Raw-Dogging OCD

Raw-dogging OCD is so hard. But apparently, inaccessibility to treatment is my curse because I won't be able to access medication for my OCD until February 2027. The psychiatrists in my area are fully booked. In the meantime, I'm dealing with so many triggers at work that I'm genuinely exhausted. I recently listened to an episode of Women at Work, the Harvard Business Review podcast. One of the women discussed her experience with an insecure, tormenting manager who bullied her. She only revealed towards the end that she had OCD. I related to her experience soooooooo much I cried. I'm currently dealing with two managers whom I feel are bullying me: my immediate line manager and his manager. I'm also a lawyer, which makes navigating moral scrupulosity OCD particularly difficult. I genuinely want to be a good, ethical lawyer. I want to do my job properly, exercise sound judgment and uphold my professional responsibilities. But how do you distinguish between legitimate ethical concerns and OCD when your entire profession revolves around making judgments about what's right, wrong, lawful and ethical? I feel like I'm constantly in fear of making mistakes. I question my decisions, double-check everything and approach my work extremely cautiously. I've been criticised for working too slowly. But I was always slow 🐌 & cautious even before my ocd spiraled into work moral ocd. Q Management has introduced weekly reporting meetings where I feel increasingly scrutinised for being behind, even though my business partners haven't complained about my performance. I suspect, although I can't prove it, that management is trying to pressure me into working faster and becoming less resistant to their instructions. And I do push back. A lot. If I think something is ethically questionable, I say so. I explain my reasoning and challenge decisions I disagree with. Sometimes I genuinely cannot understand why people don't simply do the right thing. Why is it so difficult to follow the rules, do your job properly and act ethically? But here's where my OCD complicates everything. Am I maintaining legitimate professional standards, or am I being excessively rigid because of moral scrupulosity? Am I appropriately cautious, or am I compulsively checking things because I'm terrified of making a mistake? Am I standing up for myself, or am I becoming unnecessarily combative? My previous manager, who has since retired, was wonderful. He trusted my judgment, allowed me to work independently and gave me the freedom to challenge decisions. He understood how I worked. My current management team operates very differently. I feel that their priority is pleasing the business, whereas mine is ensuring that we're doing things correctly. I don't want to compromise my professional integrity. I don't want to end up involved in some Enron-type scandal because I was too afraid to question something. But I can also acknowledge that I'm probably more cautious than the average person and that my standards might sometimes be excessively high for others. The problem is that I genuinely don't know where my professional judgment ends and my OCD begins. It's exhausting. I've also been trying to get career coaching because I desperately need a healthier professional environment. Unfortunately, I paid a deposit to a career coach I met at a convention, and she hasn't responded to my subsequent emails. So now I'm wondering whether I've been scammed. 🙃 Who knew? Apparently, meeting someone at a career convention doesn't necessarily mean they're trustworthy. I'll continue following up. And then there's religion. I grew up Seventh-day Adventist, and tomorrow is the Sabbath. I'm planning to do my taxes cause of the deadline. Something as ordinary as completing my taxes on a Saturday can become another moral scrupulosity trigger. I already anticipate feeling guilty about it. But I'm also experiencing a genuine crisis of faith. My life feels so difficult right now that I find myself wondering whether God even exists. And if he does, does he even like me? I don't know anymore. And the worst part is that I already know I'll probably feel guilty for questioning his existence or whether he cares about me. My OCD therapist has helped me recognise that when my religious observance is motivated primarily by fear rather than genuine conviction, OCD may be driving it. And that's where I am. I don't currently feel any love for God because I don't feel any love from God. I'm exhausted from being afraid of doing something wrong, whether professionally, academically, morally or religiously. It's like my entire life revolves around avoiding mistakes and anticipating consequences. I want to be an ethical person without being terrified of being an unethical person. I want to be a good lawyer without obsessively questioning every professional decision. I want to be able to disagree with people without feeling compelled to investigate, confront or report them. And I want to figure out what I actually believe about religion without OCD making those decisions for me. I'm trying to practise ERP and tolerate uncertainty, but doing that while experiencing genuine workplace difficulties and struggling to access psychiatric treatment is incredibly hard. Please don't come into my comments preaching or trying to convert me. I beg. I'm trying to work through religious scrupulosity, and religious arguments or sermons are not what I need right now. I'm just exhausted.