life update

Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well. It’s been a few months and I know whenever I post, it’s more of an update. But I feel like things have been changing for me at least a little, some for the better and some for worse. The new college I’m in has been keeping me busier, especially with being in classes I’m motivated to do the work for and my life has gotten more social. Both of these things keep my mind busy from spiraling fully into OCD. Even though most of my stress comes from college now, at least it feels like I don’t have time to be worrying about things that aren’t so important in the present. I’ve also stopped talking about my struggles with people, unless it’s primarily with my therapist. It’s good because I’m not airing out all my dirty laundry and draining others, but sometimes I do feel alone and tired but afraid of burdening others so I just sink in it. My cravings for reassurance has changed. It’s not reassurance for whether I’m good or if I did something wrong, but my body is starving to be held, to be hugged, or just a simple “I’m glad you’re here with us”. Apart from stress of college, the other thing I’ve been struggling with it rejection dysphoria where even in a room full of people, I feel very alone and most of the time I come home feeling dreaded of the possibility that I contributed nothing good. I even cried for the first time in a while last week because whether it’s true or not doesn’t matter; it’s the fact that I immediately feel this pain eating me and that I’ll live with it for the rest of my life. But it’s whatever, maybe I’m not meant to be liked around people, just tolerated. But I want to be there for the people I care about. A lot has changed these past few months. This summer was a mess truthfully, I pity anyone who was around me. The intrusive thoughts I got don’t appear as often, and when they do, I am either too stressed or too tired to think about it more. The breakup I had was so rough, but time has made it as if the relationship never happened. It’s bittersweet really. I guess it’s a good thing to just keep moving forward though. Anyways, I don’t care if anyone reads this or not but I felt the need to say this all. Peace for now.