I cant believe pocd flared up

I have OCD, particularly POCD, and something recently happened that made me feel anxious and confused. I’m generally attracted to feminine guys around my own age. I also read fanfiction about a fictional male character who is feminine and whom I’m attracted to. Over time, I’ve developed an association between femininity and this character. Sometimes, when I see a boy behaving in a feminine way, such as speaking or moving femininely, my mind immediately associates that behavior with the character I like. Sometimes people make jokes about boys being gay because of their feminine behavior, and I notice that I have a similar reaction in those situations. Recently, I saw a younger boy who was a ballet dancer stretching. His movements seemed feminine to me, and I experienced a feeling that I couldn’t quite explain. I became frightened because he was younger than me, and I started questioning what that feeling meant. Part of me thinks that I was responding to the femininity or associating his behavior with the fictional character I like. Another part of me worries that the feeling meant something else. I keep trying to understand exactly what happened and why I reacted that way. Before i also used to be scared of i have a gay fetish or that im fetishizing gay man and im scared that thats it but if it is fetish why is it on younger guys I have experienced similar moments before, and I think my OCD may be making me focus on these reactions and analyze them repeatedly. I want to understand how to handle these thoughts and feelings without getting stuck in a cycle of fear, checking, and reassurance-seeking. I would like help understanding the difference between noticing a characteristic, making an association, experiencing a feeling, and interpreting that feeling as evidence of something about myself. Most importantly, I want to learn how to tolerate uncertainty without constantly analyzing my reactions or needing to prove what they mean. I want to manage my OCD in a healthy way instead of letting these moments cause me so much distress.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15h

Hey Lelaa, I totally understand how you feel, you’re not alone! I struggled with OCD for years until I finally tried ERP. You mentioned that you want to learn how to tolerate uncertainty without constantly analyzing your reactions, and I think I may be able to help you! I am not a clinician, nor do I have the credentials to properly provide therapy, but I do have advice that may be helpful to you. In order to tolerate uncertainty, the best thing to do is to lean into it. Our brain naturally wants to engage in certain behaviors(compulsions) when we begin to feel anxious and afraid. These behaviors can be things like avoidance, or reassurance. In your case, I would try to embrace the uncertainty as much as possible. For the anxiety regarding the ballet dancer, you can try saying things like “maybe that feeling meant something, maybe it didn’t mean something.” You may feel subsequent anxiety from saying that, and that is okay! Continue to say it, repeat it over and over and ride the wave. I can’t say how long it will take, every wave is different. The important part is that you remain in the moment and allow the anxiety to be there. What really helped me was incorporating mindfulness techniques. You can try saying things like “I notice some anxiety when I say that” or “I’m noticing some anxiety in my chest, I am being mindful.” Your brain may want to avoid, it may want to reassure you that everything is okay. When you feel the urge to do those, that’s when you can use mindfulness. “I notice my brain wants me to rationalize or think about the situation, and I don’t have to do that.” It’s not easy, but it is possible and I fully believe in you. You can do this!

Lelaa

Date posted: 14h

@Anonymous Thank you!

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