grieving what ocd stole

i want to take a moment to acknowledge something that i rarely allow myself to feel. a major portion of my life was dominated by ocd and my battle with it. i went through high school incredibly depressed and unable to think of who i wanted to be in the future. i spent all my time at home, didn’t care about school or grades or colleges- as i assumed i wouldn’t even be around for that. in college i kept floating, just trying to survive when every day felt like an internal war. only toward the end of college did i actually start improving. recovery takes time and hard work, and as proud as i am for where i ended up, i can’t help but grieve what was taken from me along the way. i wanted to give space to anyone who deals with similar feelings, and to let you know that it’s okay to grieve. you are allowed to be healed and still ache for the you that was suffering. im 22 now, and incredibly well and proud. i have a circle i love, relationships, ambition, experiences, and so much more. still, remembering the dark days where i was struggling to keep myself breathing and tethered to the ground hurts like hell. and i think that’s okay! im going to allow myself to look back, to grieve, and then to look forward again and keep pushing. i encourage you to do the same :)

miavirden

Date posted: 14h

So happy you've healed and are on the other side. Literally a month ago I was praying about how grateful I was to see where I'm at 5 years after my first major flare up one I thought would end me. To see how far I've come, how happy I was, all I have accomplished ( When I truly couldn't think of my future back then. Then boom a few weeks ago l had this huge flare up and spiral. I've been healed from harm theme for 3 years, but recently had a major flare up and it's rocking my world all over again. It's like because I've felt so good for so long I totally forgot the pure agony, debilitation, discomfort, panic and torture suffering from this theme was like. To live in pure fear, panic, anxiety and to feel like I can't trust myself it's been beyond hard. It's like I forget how to help myself even though I survived when I didn't think I would 3 years ago unmedicated. I'm in ERP now and starting medication hopefully tomorrow. Praying for relief, but I truly do believe these episodes are traumatizing and cause PTSD. When you finally feel that freedom and can be unbothered and untriggered, to fully trust yourself again and be present in the moment LIVING life not just SURVING it is a blessing and I am so happy you made it to that point <3

Maya :)

Date posted: 14h

@miavirden i’m so so sorry you’re going through this again. having a major flare up after so long of feeling healed is one of the worst aspects of having ocd. i want you to know though that this does not mean your healing process was undone in any way!! healing is never linear, and even at this stage of my recovery where i feel i’ve overcome a lot, i still experience flare ups, panic about being back where i was, and having to utilize my erp tools over and over. it sucks, but it’s normal. i promise you that everything will be okay and that you will go back to feeling well and free. thank you for your kind words and i truly hope things start getting better again very soon, you’ve got this <333

miavirden

Date posted: 13h

@Maya :) - Thank you so much that means so much to me. I haven't experienced it this bad since my initial flare up 5 years ago so it's definitely been really hard to believe that it's just a flare up that will pass, but I am praying so hard that I can get it under control although I know all too well that unfortunately these spirals are not linear and can take time. I am really praying that ERP and medication helps. Are you on medication?

Maya :)

Date posted: 10h

@miavirden i completely understand, flare ups are so discouraging esp when they’re this bad, but i can promise you that it’s not permanent. i do take medication! im on sertraline and bupropion. it doesn’t make the thoughts disappear and is not a replacement for erp, but it helps me immensely in having more balanced emotions and reactions to my obsessions. it can be a really helpful tool for easing the erp process!

miavirden

Date posted: 6h

@Maya :) so happy to hear that. i am praying that the combo of ERP and medication is what i need to nip this all and get some peace and under control. thanks so much for all of your advice and kind words ♥️ i’m so happy for you feeling better there is nothing better than feeling like your best self consumed but the things you love, not your fears. sending sm love ♥️🙏🏼

tryingtoheal7

Date posted: 22h

I’m the same way I’m about to go to college at 21 and it’s still really hard:( can you view my recent post

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