TW for mentions of illnesses, death, and attempted suicide I really, really really need help. I have a history of OCD with intrusive thoughts about my loved ones dying. I used to think, as a child, that my parents had actually died and no one could convince me otherwise. I called them repeatedly and they could basically never leave the house without me being worried sick. Lately I've been terrified because of this feeling of impending doom and the clear sensation that my dad will die sometime this year. I'm so terrified, I've been scared that saying it will make it real so I'vee been avoiding it as much as I can but something happened now and I dont know what to do. What really scares me is that a couple years ago I had this feeling, I told my therapist and a few days later she had a stroke. She survived and I'm still in her care to this day but it still happened. The same thing happened when I had the distinct underlying feeling that one day eventually I'd wake up after my brother had gone out at night, and find out he never came back. It did happen, and he was injured during a failed suicide attempt, no matter how many times I kept trying to convince myself it was just me being irrational. I'm aware of how irrational this sounds, I really do know but after that I dont know how to convince myself that it's only a thought and doesn't mean anything. I'm scared that my thoughts will reinforce future events, that this feeling means that it will really happen. I am so terrified of this I really really need help I dont know what to do anymore. My dad is a lifelong smoker and since he had the flu la month ago, he's been coughing very often even if the other symptoms are gone, but he won't stop smoking. Actually he's been smoking more than usual for the past months because he and my mom broke up. He refuses to see a doctor and doesn't care enough to stop smoking, he made this very clear. Multiple times in the past months I've had episodes of really bad intrusive thoughts about him dying soon and spent a lot of time researching symptoms. I'm really worried because I keep seeing hints of it everywhere. Many small things keep happeningg, one of my episodes were caused by randomly seeing someone mention cardiopulmonary diseases and it sent me into a hours long crisis during which I couldn't hold back from performing several compulsions like going into his room to check his breathing while he slept. I couldn't stop thinking that me seeing that thing was not a coincidence. It hit me again last night and now I'm scared again because my mom and I were watching a show together, and we usually watch 3-4 episodes every night. Tonight on the second episode there was a man dying of lung cancer and he and his wife hadn't told their son at all. After that episode she said she had to go to the bathroom and I'm paranoid that she might have gone because she was crying and afterwards she said "I think I'm tired of watching for today", with a really weird expression. I'm terrified that it's because the episode reminded her of my dad and maybe they're hiding something from me, maybe he has an illness and they're not telling me. I have to go ask her if she's ok and why was she tired of watching, if something upset her even if I really really really dont want to do it but I'll have to I'm scared im so so so so so scared and I dont know what to do with all of this. It doesn't help that I've been dealing with derealization for a few months now, and it's been really bad. I'm so scared and anyone is going to think I'm stupid for this I'm so scared I can't talk about it with anyone because I'm terrified that saying it will reinforce it. What should I do? Please help