This is my first post. I have HOCD and I’ve had it for 13+ years. It started when I was watching a tv show and a girl accused her boyfriend of watching animal sex porn. I stopped and became frightened that I could be attracted to animals. Why? Don’t know. I never ever thought about such things. But I had a huge since of dread. Then I was able to shake that thought. But then I immediately thought what if you are gay. Then boom, years were lost because of this thought. During that time I also got caught locking doors repeatedly, but that passed and HOCD remained. Now I am married with a child. I love my husband and child. Once POCD popped up but it passed as well. Mostly I live in a state where ocd plays on a loop in my mind. I feel like a liar and fraud. I can remember being able to enjoy life before this. But now, I’m lost. Depression has kicked in and I can’t shake it.

True. If I was gay I wouldn’t have anxiety about it and the fear of losing interests in guys

I bawled my eyes out for nights until I learned I had hocd it's still horrible and everytime I think about being gay I just want to die it's the worst feeling ever. I sometimes feel like I'm just actually gay too it's awful.

I don’t even know if I believe I have ocd anymore?

That's exactly how I feel I always worry that I'm just in denial

Hey @MellyOCD1985 I have dealt with fear of bestiality, POCD, and HOCD so I completely understand what you are experiencing. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Also I completely understand the whole “feeling gay” @Cat28 I only want to be with a man but OCD sure does like to convince me otherwise. I don’t want to reassure you because I know that can be a compulsion but please know that those who are actually gay find joy in being gay. The fact that we hate these thoughts and feelings show this is OCD!

That's how I feel I hate talking to girls it makes me feel like I actually am gay

I promise you aren’t alone in feeling that way! I can relate! Just remember that if we were really gay, we would enjoy these thoughts and feelings!

I’ve have been dealing with this for years as well. It coming and going. I’m in a pretty calm spot at the moment, but not long ago, I went through another relapse. It’s an on going battle. So I feel you. All of these themes are extremely distressing.

I’m sorry you have depression. How’d you beat HOCD I’m curious and happy that you did

I didn’t beat it. It’s beating me.

It only subsided when another obsession topples it. Like health issues or harm.

I doubt I have HOCD even though I do. I just feel gay and I don’t want to

Reese I just get so anxious at the thought of me being gay. Sometimes I feel like I am. And then other times I start crying at the thought of being gay and get anxiety attacks. On the inside I know it’s HOCD although it’s hard to tell. Can you relate?

It’s really terrible. Even typing this I feel like I’m gay and lying to you guys

I hate this. I’ll never be happy in any relationship with this going on.

I’m trying to do exposures so please give me some ideas