Hi i'm new here (30yo male). I suffer from pocd. I stumbled over child porn when i was 14 my life is ruined ever since and i can't wait for God to end it and take me home.

I fear I may have POCD, I am terrified of being a pedophile. my symptoms were initially strong surges of anxiety. I made the mistake of looking up what pedophilia is about and now I fear I am one. I have a bad masturbation problem and that didnt help, as now I feel a weird feeling down below and its distressing me. I'm only 20, this never happened to me before and now I only feel confusion and doubt, Ive cried like never before cause of this.

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

Bruh today I was on insta and I saw a vid of a 11 yo, it caused me to feel what I hope is false attraction and groinal response, I got worried I was a p, and I couldn’t resist doing compulsions. I haven’t gotten a diagnosis for pocd yet, but i hope it is pocd and that I’m not an actual p. This stuff that keeps happening basically convinces me that I’m a p :( so yeah, my days ruined, idk what to do now. Comment anything y’all want.