Please help me figure this out I remember when I was in 11th grade I had my first crush on a girl. I would say she was my first crush. because I would always love to go to school just to see her face lol . I always was so nervous on the bus ride to school. because I knew she rode the bus just like me . I would want to go to school just to see her . Long story short I never got the chance to tell her how I felt about her because my social anxiety. I start watching Porn a lot in that's when I got this Sexual Orientation Ocd . I don't really know what I want right know .when I did have that crush on the girl I just was attracted to women and girls . Now that I've got this SOCD stuff I fine man attractive but I don't wanna do anything sexual with them I just find them. P.S I'm a girl

It's not about hocd but can someone help me with my sexuality. Okay so i was in an all girls school and an all girls college. I rarely got the chance to interact with boys except for my coaching classes. It's like in the past i had dozens of girl crushes and a very few guy crushes but if i ever had to imagine myself being intimate with,it was mostly boys. It's like i clearly remember that i fantasized about boys but i don't actually remember if i ever fantasized about girls. My mind is telling me i had. I had a very few guy friends so whenever we had a meet over i always wanted the guy's attention and not those girls. I don't know what kind of crushes or attraction i had for those girls but i always considered myself straight because even if i had a few guy crushes like 2-3 it was only them i mostly fantasized about. Also i have never been interested in lesbian related stuffs. I have watched kdramas and have mostly got male celebrity crushes. My mind has constantly been telling me i am a lesbian cause i mean i did not have hocd when i had those girl crushes but if today i imagine myself getting intimate with a girl to check if it affects me i get anxious.

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?