HOCD How do you tell people about your condition without starting to cry? I'm so affraid to talk to a therapist because: 1) I won't be able to talk because I'll just cry 2) I'm affraid of the answer - do I really have hocd or it's denial? Besides, I saw a Ted talk about a girl who has schizophrenia and that trigged me so much!!! Any tips? ?

I thought on writing a letter and taking it with me, because when I cry, I can't barely talk ? the only person who knows about my hocd is my boyfriend because I can't tell anyone else. Do you also have hocd?

@Itsme That’s a great idea. Eventually you won’t cry and that’s ok too. It’s so difficult when beginning recovery and I know you can do it. All of us are stronger than we know. I don’t have hocd but I deal/dealt with damn near every other theme you can think of so I choose to just call it ocd now. Themes stopped mattering when my brain didn’t stick to one.

@lulu23 I also had some other ocd themes, the worst ones were about my father's death and washing hands. But this one I'm dealing now is so hard because it seems very real

How is it going with the therapist? I have an appointment next week and I'm so nervous because I've been having hocd for 3 years already

@Itsme I see an OCD specialist, and I think it’s going ok. It’s been 4 months, and I’m not totally better, but I’ve improved. Things are hard now, but deep down, I have hope.

@ginac Yes don't lose your hope ?? it's terrible to think about ocd and how much time you waste with it. Are you taking any medication?

@Itsme Nope, no medication. I’d be open to it if i majorly relapsed, or was having a hard time functioning, though.

@ginac I hope I won't need medication as well...

@Itsme It’s ok if you do! It’s not so bad, I’ve taken it before.

Me too!!

@Itsme How do you handle it with being in a relationship? I feel so much guilt with my bf and so much FEAR that I’ll leave him for a girl or hurt him or something or lose feelings for him

@Ocdandme123 Well, it was REALLY hard sometimes!! The first time I told him was 2 years ago because I couldn't handle my tears anymore, it was one of those days that you can't even talk without wanting to cry so I just had to. There are some days in which I feel terrible because I feel like I'm not being honest and that there's this thing that doesn't allow me to be happy. It pisses me off because I know I love him, and altought I'm with him, I still feel attraction to other men lol. But then I have this idea of hocd in which I also get a very weird feeling with girls, but not the same one I get with boys, because when I think of me with a girl it's so disturbing, I get very anxious and uncomfortable... I know I don't want a woman, I just see women as friends, but why can't my mind shut down?!

@Itsme I’ve been with my bf for a year today actually and I told him over 3 months ago right when it came on to me cuz I was absolutely sickly depressed. And I feel the same. I’m scared I’m not truly happy or I’m lying to myself and trying to force myself to be with him or a guy in general. I feel so weird around girls now cuz it’s like all I notice and the groinal s suck and intrusive thoughts of being with girls (especially during sex) mind fuck me so bad. Cuz I’m like I don’t think I’d want to be with a girl but WHAT IF I do and I’m just lying to myself. False attraction and feelings is so tough for me. It feels so damn real for me. It’s really tough that’s for sure

@Ocdandme123 Aww congrats for the anniversary ? yess same, I can relate, it's very disturbing to have the thoughts during sex... I was convinced that my depression and anxiety would be due to my birth pills so I quit it for months and nothing changed ??‍♀️ but with me it was the same as you, my hocd also started just some months after I started dating my bf. How did yours start?

@Itsme Oh man. A couple things happened. Basically, a couple months before it hit full force, I had been seeing just you know random lesbian couples on my ig timeline and one of them was really pretty so I was like huh wow interesting and stalked her page and came across her coming out story which was her dating her bf of 5 years and then just left him for girls and the comments on it were a bunch of girls saying they left their husbands and boyfriends and o was just instantly scared and started looking into more lesbian couples trying to find their coming out stories on ig. And then a little after that, I had my coworkers ex bf make a joke about how he think we’d be lesbian together and it made me uncomfortable and then I had my friend stay over and I had the thought hm I wonder if I could be okay with a girl being in my bed. And the next day after that, I went and got laser hair removal done on my vagina and it was a girl and I got so sweaty and anxious and just bam the thought wtf am I gay camenin and has not left and it’s been hell since. And my coworker is the biggest trigger I have and I have thoughts about if I actually could be with her and would I want that blah blah and I HATE IT. It feels fucking real sometimes like it’s a real crush or something. My intrusive thoughts suck. I have ocd about my relationship cuz I’m so worried and cry all the time trying to figure out what these thoughts mean and if I really am gay and I’m just in denial or if this is just a fucked up crisis. I truly can not tell and it’s terrifying. I want a family and a husband. I have always thought girls were pretty, hot, boobs are pretty cool. Ya know all that stuff. I admire women and their beauty and their bodies. But never did I think I could be with one in a lesbian way before all of this and it’s just pure anxiety. I think I cry everyday. Haha sorry that’s long. Basically it was a bunch of little things that led up to the point of the thought just setting in my brain out of nowhere. What about you?

@Ocdandme123 Ahhh we talked before, I remember your story ?? for me it was when I discovered that a friend of mine was bi and I thought "how do you know you like both genders?" grrrr Well I'm super affraid of those coming out stories as well because a girl that used to be my friend also had a boyfriend for years, she always liked boys (we used to talk about boys we liked) and now she has a girlfriend. And then I also had a girl at my school that her father was gay, after being married, having kids, etc.... These things drive me crazy. I know I feel attracted to boys and like them, but then these thoughts ruin my life. I can never tell if it's a real crush or attraction or if it's me being affraid. ? Besides, as you said, I also think about getting married and being a mum. One day I was freaking out thinking "what if I accidentally get pregnant now?" because I could never get a child with this thoughts ??? It's very sad because I feel others think that I have a perfect life but deep down I feel shit

@Itsme My thoughts are so strong that sometimes I have the thought "you're attracted to her" without even seeing the person face, just the overall shape ? I can't be in a place without having a thought with at least one person and you? How does it happen to you?

Yessss suffer in silence is the wright way to define it!! And don't you also get the idea of how time makes it worse? For example "it's been three years and how am I telling people that I've been depressed all these years and looked happy?"

@Itsme I can completely relate when I tell my girlfriend how bad it's been she's in complete shock cause she can never tell how upset I am.

@Reclaimer Same with my boyfriend, he doesn't realize that the thoughts are on my head every minute. It's a very sensitive topic

Maybe I'll write, just in case I can't talk ?? thank you

I can imagine ? have you seen any therapist since then?