(VERY LONG POST) Earlier I was on the way to therapy for the first time in a long time and it's an urgently needed one. My only ride there turned into the office drove me there and somehow, fucking someway I couldn't stand to be I the car with them, I felt too unsafe and too anxious. We were on a similar road to it but I wasn't really sure where but felt compelled to get out the car now. Turned out to be the wrong turn but I had something telling me GET BACK IN THE CAR but I didn't and even worse, I had no way back home. I had an emotional breakdown after realizing everything, when I had to be put on the waiting list a 4th time since June because of bullshit reasons. My rituals that culminated in that time reached debilitating degrees of thought loops and rituals (notetaking and chronic rumination together.) I had no idea what was happening to me, I was scared and then I learned what OCD really was and educated myself and realized how badly I need to be seen. the idea of OCD self-sabotage was on my mind after learning about it yesterday, I had it on thought loop since and getting out the car, I thought "is this what that is?" I got home and cried til a friend of mine came over and I felt better for a while until I felt a pang of panic during "WHAT IF YOUR OCD ISNT REAL AND THIS IS ALL INSIDE YOUR HEAD" so I've been agonizing intensely over this since. What's happening to me? Why did I do it? Did I force myself into this and won't take responsibility for just giving into a childish impulse? Why do I feel compelled to write about my meaningful thoughts and memories and traumatic events in journals and leave sticky note reminders everywhere I never act upon? Why do I keep writing more because I get antsy and am paralyzed I'll forget all meaning of my life? Why does it only satisfy me for a little while? When I told my best friend, who has OCD earlier about what happened, I couldn't bring myself to tell him I got out the car. I can't now either, I'm terrified by the impossibly small likelihood that he'll download this app and find this and think I'm a self diagnosing fraud. I feel I alone and like I have nowhere to turn. I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me for so long. I'm terrified and very tired of feeling hopeless. If you're still at the end here, thank you. I feel compelled to confess to anybody here that could understand what I'm feeling. If nothing else I could get this off my chest.

Your ocd makes you talk in circles, I do that as well you aren’t alone. I think a lot of people with ocd share and share or write like you until they “feel better”.

You are not alone, and there is lots of hope out there... look at all of us here :). We are on the right side of the earth, we are trying to get our shit together the best we can and love and accept ourselves as we are.... and ocd can make that challenging. A poem by Kat “even your shit pieces just increase your uniqueness.” Ocd may be a burden in a lot of areas, but maybe it has some magical helpful areas... I feel like it allows us to feel one another’s pain and want to help them... we don’t want anyone to feel unloved or alone because sometimes it’s hard for us to even love ourselves.. But you are doing it... we all are doing it :). This app even is proof of self love however small a step is not important ❤️?.

Mynd analytics is a company that offers custom eegs/ekgs. It is something really cool if you are open to therapy and medication. The eeg/ekg will read your brain waves to help make you up with the most successful medication for your brain type... sounds like pretty neat stuff and less bouncing on different medication.

Those are really heartfelt messages ?I'll try my best to appreciate and embrace my life and all of its flaws

@Kknmyk4, I think that is fairly common feeling to want to confess your thoughts and to want to seek reassurance. Confession and reassurance seeking are all compulsions. And speaking what’s bothering you helps alleviate anxiety for the short term, but usually it’s an obsession so it returns. I’d recommend cbt/and exposure therapy. Accepting the thoughts but not attaching a meaning to it, or to your identity. Hang in there :)

You got this, don’t be afraid to reach out to professionals, people on here and friends. Your best changes from day to day, and that’s okay too. I don’t know if you do a lot of cognitive reframing but I think you might dig it.

That's comforting to know. I often feel compelled to confess many of these dark thoughts and it makes me ashamed sometimes that it's all I can talk or think about until I can feel better about it. Thank you

Im actually a big fan of cognitive functioning; it's been a real hobby since high school maybe, maybe an obsessive one too haha. I'll be sure to bring that up with my therapist when I see her next :) she probably has no idea how deep the rabbit hole goes yet, I haven't seen her since my birthday in June!

I think it’s important to find one you like and that is a specialist in ocd not just anxiety. I’ve had different therapists and didn’t think that was a big deal if they didn’t specialist in ocd but found out that it is really really helpful because they are more familiar with how to attack it, very different monster than other anxiety issues where you can do talk therapy. Obsessions don’t respond very well to talk therapy lol, because we keep talking about it which makes it worse and diving in to seek deeper roots which also makes it worse ?. Not telling you what to do but it’s a good idea to know if she’s familiar with most effective methods like cbt/exposure response therapy etc

Hey that's still helpful advice for you to give me, thank you. I'll have to think harder on chasing a specialist. I think it'd be worth it.