When I feel that I have no control I want to kill myself

Often OCD urges us to think I. Black-and-white or either-or terms. The reality is almost always in the middle. You have SOME control. Not no control, and not total control. Leverage the control you have to make your life closer to how you want it to be (with the understanding that life will always be somewhat how we want it and somewhat how we don't)

You are worth it. You have purpose in this life

As I’ve heard from others who don’t have ocd: the reality is, no one has control over anything. That’s kinda and kinda not completely accurate but I hope you get my point. When I was suicidal I spoke with my cousin who had been this way in the past too. He said to me, if you’re gonna stay, you might as well do what you want to do in life. I share that with you within reason of course, meaning you’re not going to be destructive in what you want out of life. Also, another friend shared a YouTube video with me about a guy who tried to commit suicide at a commonly used site, and survived. He also had a mental health condition. And he said that during the moment of the act, he felt regret. He researched and found that all suicide survivors of that same site experienced the same feeling of regret in the moment. That story kept me going, plus people who love me that I don’t want to hurt, plus reality is I don’t know the other side and that’s a permanent decision that I wasn’t too eager to make. And lastly, although I’ve left Christianity, when it would get really bad, I told the suicide demon to get off of me, and it would. But, also consider that how you interpret things may be part of why it’s so rough for you right now. I can be a very pessimistic thinker, and didn’t figure that out until just about 3 years ago. So I would encourage you to open up to a therapist about how you mentally react and think about things that happen in your life. A good therapist can point it out to you. Lastly, being suicidal can be chemically based. So meds, nutrition, homeopathy, hormonal and neurotransmitter balancing, and herbs may be something worthwhile looking into. And consider calling a suicide hotline. 1-800-273-8255 that’s the national suicide prevention, they also have an online chat feature.

Also, consider that many people with ocd really want a guarantee, and really don’t like uncertainty. You feeling like you have lack of control could be feeling worse to you because of a heightened desire for control in general...maybe. When I learned I had a way of thinking, that not everyone shared, and that I wasn’t right all the time, that not everything I thought in my head was true, it lightened my load a bit. I even questioned why most people tend to stay in life despite all its hardships, and I guessed it was because their brains think differently than mine. That also helped me to hold on. Because it showed me there was some discrepancy in my thinking that perhaps could be helped. The natural remedies I’ve mentioned, I’ve also experimented with, and they helped balance me back out a bit when the ocd was wearing me out. And consider temporary in-patient/residential ocd clinics if it’s really debilitating to your life.