SERIOUS trigger warning. am the worst person alive and feel like I’ve fooled everybody into thinking I’m better than I actually am as a person. My friend is also struggling with depression and anxiety and other life issues and he’s dumped on me a LOT in unhealthy ways over and over again. We have moved past that but he relies on a lot of other people when he shouldn’t, because people aren’t reliable. When he has some annoying behavior that’s not his fault and today I saw that he was in the ER last night. My mind went to “Was it a sicde thing?” Or “is he being dramatic again?” Or “Was it a panic attack that got really bad?” Keep in mind that I’ve struggled with sicde, being dramatic, and having panic attacks for much of my teen years. And I felt like I was disappointed when I was told it was just an elbow injury. Like I hoped he’d hurt himself because he annoys me. It didn’t feel like an intrusive thought but I believe that when this first started weeks ago it was intrusive thoughts that I was getting. Now my brain is like “Tell him your thought.” But I COULDNT tell him that!!? He’d actually spiral down and I’d break him and ruin his life and he might actually end his life!! I freaking HATE myself right now and like a phony. I don’t want him to die, but I’m struggling with being annoyed. And I try to avoid being annoyed because I have intrusive thoughts of harm. So what I’m saying is that when he first started annoying me, the thoughts were intrusive. But now I feel like I actually enjoy the thoughts and that they reflect a true desire of my heart. I don’t want to cause him that pain. And now I’m obsessing and thinking about people who bully and tell others to end their lives, etc. what the heck is wrong with me. The only thing in his control is his behavior and he’s not really working on it that much I don’t think and his mental condition is not his fault!!! What is WRONG WITH MY BRAIN?!?! How can God ever forgive me? I’ve had these thoughts before.

hilaly

Date posted: 5y

telling him at this stage would not benefit either of you, we also have a responsibility to mental health of close others, also if your ocd is trying to tell you to do something you probably should not do it and that it was an intrusive thought

Unknown50

Date posted: 5y

I feel like such a horrible person and I believe that I am. I will not tell him. He’s already broken...I can’t break him any further. Is my responsibility his mental health (because I have no control over that)? I know that my responsibility is to be supportive. And I supported him last night before his accident (it happened while I was sleeping). I should start seeing intrusive thoughts more that way: something you don’t want to do but that your brain is telling you to do. That could help me get past this last year of mental torture.

hilaly

Date posted: 5y

no of course it is his responsibility, yours is to be supportive and not tell him which you already do exactly, or it telling you "well, can you imagine feeling that or thinking that?" which brings the attention to the topic and you think" wait did I just wish I had done that" in reality you didnt, its just the ocd

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

I agree that you shouldn't tell him. But seriously, you think you're the worst person in the world because of a thought? That sounds like OCD pulling your leg. If anything, the fact that you haven't told him indicates that some parts of you are really selfless and caring

Unknown50

Date posted: 5y

I’m so upset. I don’t even know if this was OCD. I feel like it wasn’t a thought, but rather a desire. I feel evil.

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@Lizard2 Ok. I hear you. I've been there before too. We have to separate feelings from facts though. The feeling is real, but not necessarily accurate. I can feel certain my hair is green, but that feeling doesn't change the fact that my hair is auburn. My OCD makes me feel like my teeth are loose. They're not. Not even when the feeling is overwhelming.

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