Looking for some rOCD friends here. Been with my boyfriend for over a year and it hit almost 2 months in and hasn’t stopped.

My best friend hasn’t spoken to me in months. It triggered some symptoms that I now realize fall along the lines of ROCD. It’s making me behave in a way that chased my other friends away. I’m feeling very hopeless and guilty.

I just got out of a 4 year relationship that ended around the beginning of February. In the beginning of the 4 year relationship I had intrusive thoughts about the way I was behaving around my partner, this went on for a few months not knowing what it was or that it was ROCD. I remember it was bad and did not want to deal with what I was feeling. I defeated it and was ok for the first 3 years after that. But it just made me feel like I wasn’t being my true, authentic , funny self I wanted to be for my partner. It was horrible. Now I’m in a new relationship that has been awesome as far as the beginning goes but now I’m back to that intrusive thought and ROCD. Irs to the point where I feel like I can’t be myself and I’m not happy or excited about anything anymore I’m constantly stressed out thinking about it.

If anyone can help.. I’m suffering from ROCD.. I love my partner I do. I cry when I talk to him about this, I cry when he compliments me now, just a constant gut feeling every time I think about him or know I’m going to see him. It’s just, I cry at everything, especially when I’m with him, like I’ll be cuddling him and then I’ll think, “do you love him?” And I panic and I cry/get teary eyed. It’s just the gut feeling won’t go away. Maybe I’m in the wrong relationship? Maybe I’m upset because I’m with the amazing guy and I don’t like him anymore. I don’t know I just got upset writing this.. he is so sweet. He is my first long-term relationship. Like 2 months ago, when this started, everything before this was fine. Like literally we were about to hit our 8 month mark and then the next day he complimented me and I thought “idk if I love you anymore..” I couldn’t eat, sleep, major gut feelings. I cried and had panic attacks. Idk I know this sound pathetic but I want to love him. I don’t know if this is me seriously falling out of love or if this is ROCD. I tried getting a therapist but I can’t afford it because they don’t take my insurance. My bf is aware of EVERYTHING, And he’s been by my side the past two months since this started, but he doesn’t have ocd and doesn’t understand, so if someone could help, I would really appreciate it!!.. I just don’t know what’s going on. I miss how things were before. Quiet and happy. And now it’s just crying, gut feelings, and mess.. hopefully I don’t sound harsh and mean, im just wanting answer in what to do..