It must be true that there are people using HOCD as denial. There’s no way everyone who thinks they have HOCD actually has it. This is what my mind tells me when I think of HOCD, which reinforces my loop. I try to just put all the HOCD shit to the side and just confront it head on without leaning too far to either side (denial or HOCD). The problem is when I do this, if I come to the conclusion that I’m straight I don’t feel satisfied with it. It feels like I’m just saying that because that’s what I want to be, but if I come to the conclusion that I’m Bi or Gay, it feels like I’m saying it but not really accepting it within, which convinces me that I’m in denial. I’m just so angry because this all became so trivialized. I’ve brought myself to the point of telling myself that I’m gay or bi so I can move forward and not be stuck like this. Also, looking into my past sucks now because I can’t tell if I’m remembering my memories correctly or through a “your gay” lens on. I question things, I never used to give a second thought. Whatever I’m going through has brought me too my knees and has torn my self esteem and life apart. my life is now consumed with these thoughts. I feel like I’m being stripped of who I am and being replaced with a scared pussy. I feel like a scared pussy because I’m scared of myself, all this fear of what I could be has stopped me from just being and not giving a fuck.

How’s you get over the fear of being bi/gay

@Dre249 I didn’t have an OCD specialist back then, but looking back I now recognize that I basically practiced ERP on my own. I accepted the possibility of my thoughts being true and the uncertainty that caused me. I challenged myself to be friends with gay people, go out to gay bars, peruse gay dating sites, and eventually it all stopped triggering me. At the time I simply decided “whoever I am, I will accept myself as this.” And just wanted to find peace, so I kind of jumped in the deep end rather than running away anymore. But now I see that I was actually practicing ERP without even realizing it. It’s been years now since I had that theme. And looking back, it feels silly. I don’t ever worry about my sexuality anymore. Recovery is totally possible.

@pureolife I hope it’s possible but did you ever fully feel convinced that you were “bi” but then knew you weren’t??

@Dre249 Yes. I even ended a relationship because I thought it was unfair to my ex bf. The thoughts were so strong and so frequent I thought they MUST be true and I was in denial. Even though I was in a long term, heterosexual relationship, and in love, and hated losing him.

@pureolife But your hetro right

@pureolife Do I sound hetro with HOCD or bi indenial??

@Dre249 I don’t want to keep giving you reassurance. I just want you to know you’re not alone. And that others have been through this and come out the other end. I could keep answering questions, but I know you’re just using it to check against your own experience for reassurance and that that’s not great for your OCD. Accept the uncertainty as best you can. Don’t fight the thoughts. Do the opposite of what your fears tell you (don’t avoid gay people, places, events, media, etc.) and eventually it will stop triggering you. Clarity doesn’t come until after it’s over.

@pureolife How long was your HOCD experience, and from when you did the erp to “back to normal” how long did that take?

@pureolife Did you get back with him after HOCD