Genuinely think I might have undiagnosed BPD I just don’t want that label because it sounds FUCKIN insane “Personality disorder” haha nope I don’t wanna be abandoned as it is, the label would ironically leave me vulnerable to people leaving for having no personality yknow, unless it’s considered a fucking DISORDER

Other than the supposed OCD, I also feel like I may have BPD, which wouldn’t be all that surprising considering the people that conceived me are undoubtedly OCD and BPD asf but I feel problematic to self diagnose. The symptoms are eerily relatable and on Reddit I’ve seen people with diagnosed BPD talking about a “favorite person” that they obsess over and rely on for their “happiness”. Perhaps that’s why when I gain overly obsessive and attached crushes on guys it’s legit ALL I can think about 24/7. Not just the positive dreamy stuff, but also the scary negative stuff that I start making outlandish conclusions about them. Is that a thing for people with BPD, where they dread that their favorite person will give them a reason to no longer be their favorite person? Other than that, my mood and state of mind is terribly unregulated. It’s like my emotions cloud any logic and reasoning (which I guess can also be the OCD) that only increases my anxiety and depression and rumination. Caffeine obviously makes it worse but before I get anxious asf I feel excited and happy. Not to mention my impulsivity. I make a lot of self destructive choices and always find myself regretting them, but I still keep making them. When I eat I have to have something terribly unhealthy, and then I start binge eating. I also have a spending problem but that was last year so I’ve kind of moved away from that. I also feel DEEPLY insecure and always do my best to escape and avoid reality for my own sanity. And when I make plans with my friends I always feel anxious that it won’t go as planned. There’s also something I noticed when I get in a depressive mood, I start fantasizing about how everyone around me would react to my death. Not because I want to see them in pain but i like to think about how they’d feel or won’t feel about my passing. There’s probably a lot more to me that screams BPD, but at the same time there’s a chance that maybe I’m reaching.

I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I relate so much to what people here are going through. I used to think it was just anxiety, and I felt like I could handle that. But lately I’ve been spiraling—constantly afraid that what I’m feeling is something worse, like psychosis or losing control of my mind. I feel so detached and scared, and I just want peace again. I have anxiety doing the smallest things, like the thought of waking up everyday and even eating give me straight up panic. I am afraid all the time, it’s paralyzing. And a lot of people say someone with psychosis wouldn’t worry that they’re in it, but then I convince myself I’ve been in it this whole time, and haven’t known, and that maybe I’ve been doing weird stuff. Idk. I also get really scared of labels. Even the idea of OCD makes me feel like I’ll never get better or like I’ll be stuck like this forever. I just want to be okay. If anyone has felt this way—confused, overwhelmed, or scared of what’s happening in their mind—I’d really appreciate any support or encouragement.

Hey, so idk if I have ocd, I would like to think I’m a very self aware person but I don’t wanna self diagnose at all, lmk what you guys think. So pretty much my whole life since I was young I remember having irrational fears im sure it was all trauma induced but when I was a kid I thought my father was poisoning me until I asked him, he started crying and was so shocked that I could ever even think that, my parents broke up when I was legit fresh out the womb, mom worked two jobs and disciplined me, dad let me do whatever on the weekends and got me snacks so I was obsessed with him so obsessed that it was mandatory for me to kiss his picture 20x everyday before school. Growing up I always felt followed by cameras or like someone out there was recording me waiting for me to do something embarrassing to expose me in front of the whole world and my life was over 🤣🤣 I thought my abusive ex bf was stalking me through my I phone camera after we broke up and it would truly stress me out, it made me believe that it was the reason he never reached out again bc I probably looked ugly in the camera he was stalking me through. If I fall out with a friend Ill over analyze everything to see if I did anything wrong and god forbid while I’m self reflecting I realize I did something wrong I feel like an evil person, verbatim the people I fall out with is bc they’ve done me wrong in some way and it has to b something hurtful or repeated mistakes for me to really stay away for good, so I’ll beat myself up for making mistakes with another person who’s made the same amount of mistakes if not more and in most cases I always fall short, and this when I question if it’s ocd or I’m just to self aware and see the ugly in me bc I’m not perfect and it’s just makes me feel so unsettled but again that’s a normal feeling and the next step is to forgive yourself and do better moving forward, not obsess over it like your trying to convince yourself you’re a good person. I’m also hot tempered and will say hurtful things when I’m mad I’m definitely a crash out in the way, you push my bottoms way too many times and I will shred you, and I’ll say things ik will hurt you and that’s just so low, then the anger goes away and I have to face the guilt, which makes my “ocd” 100x worse, it almost feels like I have to do everything right to not trigger it yet again I don’t have the self control to do it all right, I actually have a lot bpd tendencies again not diagnosing but I’m just trying to understand my brain. I worry about dying, getting a terminal illness. uti turning into kidney infection then into cancer kind of thing, knowing that life in general can b tragic is so scary to me, like what will be my story? What will be my life experience?. I believe that people see right through me and discuss it amongst each other, I always tell myself I am not that important but I can’t seem to shake it off sometimes. When I would break up with my ex I would have pre written paragraphs ready to b send if he ever decided to reach back and I would do this to make sure I didn’t forget a single thought, that every point i felt I need to prove was there, and that bothers me bc do I want win an argument or fix the issue. All of these feelings make me feel so pathetic and embarrassed people move on with their lives and I’m still stuck on something that happened 3 yrs ago. Then I’ll get manic get a tattoo, change my hair, go out clubbing do what I can to b the sexy young girl that I am and it helps in the moment but it worsens my mental after the euphoria is gone. I’m currently staying home, not going out, have only 1 friend so I feel like ocd progressively got worse now, I don’t remember it getting this bad in a while. lmk what you guys think don’t judge or think I’m embarrassing I’m actually so cool and if have to convince you I’m cool I will LMFAOO no but fr help