I have an honest confession to make about my HOCD: (1) I used to touch myself while looking lesbian porn. Outside of this I never had a crush on a girl nor did I desire doing those irl but ever since HOCD came I feel like thats a sign of me being lesbian....I honestly don't know what to do ?

Omg same and I'm glad our conversations helped you understand your own situation :)

Ngl I've always thought I was the only female that has a liking more lesbian porn than straight porn. Idk why but I didn't get that aroused watching straight porn cause it was always so rough. Lesbian porn aroused me more which scares me a lot now :(.

Ive read numerous articles on that too and how straight woman are more inclined to see gay porn. At that point I was like "oh its normal" but now my brain is obsessed that it is a sign of me being gay/bi.

@chamomile Actually it's because a lot of women feel that objectified watching porn because usually the woman there is displayed for the men's pleasure. While other think lesbian porn is designed specifically for women. Now I've never watched porn and I don't think I ever will but I just know it's not something you should be afraid of because a lot of people just seek out pleasure, but it's not the same as real life experience. Maybe yes you enjoyed watching it. But clearly you wouldn't want to do that in real life and that's what you should keep in mind

@notfortalk I see thanks for the support. I honestly don't want to do them, i don't like even imagining it. Could I ask you something? It isn't related to my confession but just another thought I've had...

@chamomile Yeah, go ahead don't worry

@notfortalk I also assume that you have/had HOCD too and (1) did you ever have the thoughts that you probably won't enjoy being with or doing anything sexual with boys?

@notfortalk Honestly I could ask you so many more but I dont want to disturb you :(

@chamomile Yes. This summer this was something I used to obsess over a lot. I was "what if I get a boyfriend and I don't want to be with him? What if I don't like it? “. I still do get those thoughts sometimes and I was literally thinking of it an hour ago. But then in the middle of my first hocd spike and now, I knew I wanted to be intimate with a boy. But when you're stuck into the hocd cycle you just feel like you won't, but things will start to shift and slowly but surely you'll start to go back to normal

@chamomile Don't worry you can ask me. I know how horrible it is, if it can help people feel less alone

@notfortalk Do you feel like you're forcing yourself to be straight? I know I like being intimate with them but after HOCD my natural nature feels weird to me. It has become secondary now. I feel awfully empty and my muscles get tensed when I can't think of guys

@notfortalk Thanks for the support, a lot of people don't stay around this long answering me or relating to me. Thank u for being here :)

@chamomile Yeah I used to feel like that and even now I'm scared to feel like that. But it's like, I like to think about boys, I see myself ending up with a boy and I feel weird about the idea of being with the same sex. This must mean something. I wouldn't feel so depressed about it if it was real

@chamomile No problem :)

@notfortalk Right...we would just know if we were actually gay. From a young age I've known and I was damn sure im straiggt. Now those feel like such a blur :(. I can't remember what it's like without HOCD.

@notfortalk Also do you feel anxious that you'll fall in love or date and you'll realize you're aren't straight? I'm riddled with fear and anxiety because of this whenever I talk to guys and get kind of close to them

@chamomile Yeah I definitely get that. Something that have realized recently is how ocd can turn everything into a blur. Like maybe the night before you were out with a boy and having fun and then the next day you're overwhelmed by compulsions and obsessive thoughts and it's like whatever happened before feels like another lifetime

@chamomile Yes, that's my biggest fear. I have commitment issues, I'm kind of scared of intimacy but also I crave it. And I fear of getting close to a boy and then realize I'm not into him

@notfortalk I have commitment issues though I've not been romantically involved with a guy. Do you still have attraction to guys? I lost my sex drive significantly ever since HOCD, I feel extremely bad and empty since then. I have my attraction but i get anxious at the same time

@chamomile Yes tho back when I first had hocd my sex drive went low and that was what drove me crazy. But then I went back to experience attraction in a normal way. I know I'm attracted to them but my ocd makes me question the whole attraction thing which is what is confusing. And about the attraction and anxiety thing I have that too and it makes everything 1000% harder. You said that did already experience hocd then I suppose you went back to your normal attraction which is what you have to keep in mind, everything goes back to its place

@notfortalk Yeah, I had HOCD for a month and then calmed down and I got my attraction back, everything was looking great but I got it again cause I was triggered by something.

@chamomile If you don't mind me asking, what triggered you? Because mine spiked up all of the sudden tho I too had some triggers

@notfortalk I also fear I'll not get an orgasm if I have sexual relationship with a guy after HOCD. It's embarrassing but I remember not being that aroused durinh straight porn like I was during lesbian porn. I guess that's because straight porn is super rough and non-realistic. I was pretty sure I'd get an orgasm from a guy before HOCD but now I'm so doubtful and it scares me.

@chamomile Yeah I fear the same thing but also I'm trying to adress all this fear to anxiety when you'll be in the moment you'll know. Actually after my hocd went away I experienced genuine attraction towards guys and that thought didn't bother me anymore, but as of right now it still scares me. But also keep in mind that for women having orgasm is not easy

@notfortalk Mine came up suddenly too but the biggest trigger was social media like TikTok and insta, all the pretty girls made me think "what ifs?" And my attraction was starting to decrease again :(

@notfortalk Same as you, I just try not to think cause there's still time but then my mind is worried I'm gonna be stuck like this and yeah, having orgasm isn't easy for us, like we can orgasm in every possible way. I have a really weird type of orgasm too which makes me scared

@chamomile Yeah that might be triggering actually I found I wanted to look like most of the girls on there but now my mind is like "NO THAT'S NOT TRUE". Don't avoid these social media but also keep it in mind to not force your attraction that will come along naturally. Try to act as you would normally do as much as you can and that's what will bring things to its place. Also ocd goes in cycle today you may be obsessing on this, tomorrow it will be another. It's the same dance

@chamomile Yeah definitely the fear of always being stuck in this cycle and never breaking free. But you will get older and you will get different experiences who will also change the way you view your mental illness. We're young but we are also learning as we go. And that's already a lot of experience

@notfortalk Honestly youre right, I tried not to avoid but my HOCD started spiking really bad I deleted them in a panic. I'm thinking of getting back on it. I'm don't force my attraction but when I do get attracted my brains like "no, you're forcing" and that confuses me so much. I don't force but my mind tells me I AM forcing it

@notfortalk Yeah but I just really hope I don't grow up and realize I'm not straight, i don't want my sexuality to change in any way. I desire and want to end up with a guy :(

@chamomile Mine does the same too. I would be like oh he's very cute and my brain would be like no you're faking being straight

@chamomile We're born with our sexuality. I'm happy being straight and I enjoy getting crushes on guys but I don't want the same for girls. It's just not who I am. There are so many lgbt poeple with soocd too who are afraid to be straight and that already explains so much about our ocd

@notfortalk Yeah we are but you know how some people say "sexuality is fluid". This phrase scares me to death like my sexuality can't change just like that after 4 years of puberty, can it?!!

@chamomile No no, sexuality is not fluid as in "I'm gonna spend 10 years of my life straight and then become gay". For example bi/pan people have a fluid sexuality. But people who are straight or gay don't. Like maybe they can find sometimes people of the same/different sex attractive but it's one person not the entire sex

@notfortalk Omg I'm glad because I always found girls pretty and wanted to be like them taking inspirations from them, I never found the the whole sex attractive but my HOCD now makes me believe I do and it feels weird af

@chamomile Yeah I've always wanted to look like them too but when you look at that from the outside you're just admiring. Like I can say that Beyoncé is insanely gorgeous but I would like to be her or to have her voice. When I say that Justin Bieber is hot is because I'm attracted to him.

@notfortalk Yeah, but another that really concerns me is that I was never a really girly girl, I would wear girly clothes but I was never into makeup much and I was never extremely boy crazy, I was kept it chill and mild. Could that mean something? My HOCD takes this as an example and says I'm gay

@chamomile Absolutely not, I was never boy crazy growing up but I still had crushes. I'm not much into makeup either but that's just a personal preference. That's all stereotypes society has on straight and gay women

@notfortalk My brain also obsesses on how I do some gay stereotypes, and most of these were said my gay people too and my HOCD again uses that as an example

@notfortalk Do you ever have this though that you're faking your OCD and just being dramatic and denying everything? This thought messes me up really badly

@chamomile Yeah I do but it's part ocd too. Like there are so many things that can make me obsess but whether we do them or not doesn't change the fact. If you didn't have ocd you wouldn't have wasted all this time. Who would want to spend their time obsessing and depresses

@notfortalk Yeah OCD just makes you doubt even the simplest things that you never questioned :(. I hate this disorder