Real event OCD is taking over me right now. I can't decide what's rational and what's irrational. I feel as though the anxiety it suitable punishment for my stupid behaviour, particularly an event from when I was 14, but I hate the effect it has on others around me. I just want to be a good person, and make people happy. I want to feel like I deserve love and friendship, but this one event is holding me back right now. It makes every kind thing I do seem worthless. I don't think I deserve anything good in life. I spend my time Googling constantly to see if anyone has experienced anything similar, but everyone else seems to have been younger when it happened to them, and I feel as though I should have known better at 14. I don't know how to carry on.

chamomilegirl

Date posted: 5y

I feel the exact same way. I obsess about the age that I was when the events took place. my memory is so foggy so my mind often twists the event in ways that make me even more guilty/panicky than usual. it’s taking over my life and I know exactly how you feel, it’s so hard to move on when you feel like these events are completely out of character especially due to your young age at the time. I wish I know how to help, all I can say is that I know you’re a good person and I forgive you.

Harleyboi

Date posted: 5y

I am so sorry to hear that you're struggling too :( I completely understand that feeling - my mind has twisted the event so much that I don't know for sure what happened anymore. I'm starting to even have doubts about when exactly it happened. I hope that you find a way of overcoming these thoughts. It is so kind of you to comment, and it shows that, no matter how you feel about yourself, you are a very thoughtful person. Good people can take wrong turns, for whatever reason, and the fact that you are giving others support as part of such a community as this shows that you are a good person with a strong moral compass! :)

chamomilegirl

Date posted: 5y

@Harleyboi thank you, that is so nice to hear! I hate to hear that anyone is going through what I am right now because sometimes it feels like there’s no way to feel better, especially when my ocd gets really bad like tonight. I wish all of the best for you. I am going to try to see a therapist soon and maybe you could too if that’s an option for you. I heard that they are particularly good at working through feelings of guilt, especially excessive guilt. I think a sign that our OCD is taking control of these events is that we are able to rationally forgive each other for what occurred when we were young but we can’t forgive ourselves.

wubwubcat

Date posted: 5y

I literally just installed this app for my obsession and honestly I could have written this exact same thing myself, down to the same age and everything. You're not alone. I don't know how old you are now but it's safe to say that you're not 14 anymore. It's important to remember that 14 year olds are still developing, they're still learning new things and, depending on how you were raised, they might be trying to do adult things without a full understanding. I don't know what your situation is but you have to recognise that you're a better person now, and the fact you care about this at all shows that you've grown and are a good person.

Harleyboi

Date posted: 5y

You have no idea how comforting this was to read, thank you. I have never spoken to anyone suffering from anything remotely similar, and it is so calming to realise that I'm not alone. I am so sorry to hear that you're having a tough time too - I really hope that we manage to find a way of rationalising the thoughts we are having.

wubwubcat

Date posted: 5y

@Harleyboi The worst part about OCD is that believe every word of what I judt said in your case but not in my own. Its amazing how much self destruction this illness causes.

Harleyboi

Date posted: 5y

@wubwubcat Exactly! I feel exactly the same. I find it so easy to rationalise someone else's situation, and to forgive other people for their wrongdoings, but I find it so difficult to do these things for myself. It's like there is no sliding scale of 'bad' things in relation to my own actions - anything that causes potential harm to another person, or isn't entirely morally or legally appropriate, is equal to the most sickening crime possible. I am so forgiving when it comes to others, but feel as though I can never extend this forgiveness to myself.

wubwubcat

Date posted: 5y

@Harleyboi You're honestly like looking into a mirror. We're exactly the same in every way.

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