Past porn addiction and moral scrupulosity. I REALLY need someone to advise me with this. When I was young I was exposed to porn on the internet, I wish I had never found porn websites but all through my teen years I viewed porn on the internet and developed an addiction to it but I was young and naive back then about porn. When I started learning about porn, reading online articles etc (on fightthenewdrug website/nofap etc) and I learnt about how immoral and unethical porn is I stopped viewing porn completely. I have a huge distaste for it and I'm disgusted by it. I've not watched porn in 2 years, I never will again. I'm glad the addiction to it has completely vanished but in place of it is shame. So much shame and guilt, and combined with my obsessive personality I have severe moral scrupulosity over it. I constantly feel immoral for ever watching it, I randomly remember porn videos from years ago that I came across and I have constant "what ifs?". "What if I should go back to that site, find the video and report it to the site to makesure everything was ethical and safe, consensual?". The thing my brain isnt understanding is that yes that side of porn does exist (the unethical side) but it's not that clear where and if and so you cant be sure or save anybody or anything. But I feel hyper responsible for some reason. This is a constant thing. I only viewed porn on the usual popular safe websites and as far as I know they comply with the law and regulate their sites but how can they be sure everyone and everything was and is safe? I just cant and idk how to accept this. I just dont know how to get rid of the memory of that part of my life. Most people feel so proud and happy they've kicked a porn addiction out of their life, I feel constant regret, shame and immoralness for ever even going onto pornwebsites in the first place and forming an addiction. It feels worse that I'm a girl as most people think only boys can get addicted to porn.

Carl Cornett

Date posted: 5y

Well, the thing is addictions take many forms. People can be addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, food. The mechanisms behind them are somewhat similar, but we know environmental and genetic factors play a role. It’s my sincere doubt many people wake up going, ah yes! ‘‘Tis my goal today to be an addict! OCD attaches itself to things that are egodystonic. Consent and respect for human autonomy are important to you. So any action that may introduce the uncertainty that you contributed to it bothers you. At some point the thought about your past porn consumption caused you discomfort, and that sense of risk/danger fused together to create the illusion of value and importance. Uncertainty is the name of the game. There is no way to be certain that you didn’t harm some one. So you have to lean into the disorder. Think of OCD as a loud, drunk guy who just got on the bus you’re driving. He’s making a scene and doing ridiculous shit, and generally being an annoyance. You, as the bus driver, could turn around and confront him. You could stew in your seat and wonder why he’s being that way. Or you could think, well, the next stop he’s getting off and talking to a drunk person never works anyway. OCD is the drunk asshole on the bus. You can acknowledge he’s there, and you can’t make him go away, but he doesn’t stay on the bus forever. You just have to lean into it and focus on your reaction.

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

You're not going to get rid of the memory. You can lessen the shame by actively changing your self talk

MJocd

Date posted: 5y

How do I do that?

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@MJocd I imagine what I would say to a friend, and then say that to myself. And do other activities that build my self worth. Getting out of my head and into the world helps a ton

FOCD123

Date posted: 5y

Im similar to you but trying to not feel shame and guilt as watching porn of any kind (gay/bi/straight/rough etc) is perfectly fine and good to fantasise in my eyes.

MJocd

Date posted: 5y

So you dont think I'm a bad person for having a porn addiction in the past?

FOCD123

Date posted: 5y

@MJocd I had a porn addiction and don’t think I’m a bad person, I used to think I was and especially as my Girl friend didn’t like it at all it made me feel even worst but now we both view it differently.

MJocd

Date posted: 5y

@FOCD123 Do you still view porn? After reading about it I cant get rid of the shame. I dont think I could ever view porn again because I worry about the ethics of it so much.

FOCD123

Date posted: 5y

@MJocd Yes I watch it alone and masturbate and watch it with my partner

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