so i’m 17, and i have a friend who’s 14. we’ve become really close throughout the past few months, and we both like girls so when we first met, we had a bit of a crush on each other. i was 16 then, but when i found out she was 14 i didn’t feel interested anymore because i thought that she was too young to date. for a bit of back story, i went through severe childhood sexual abuse when i was younger which causes me to not let anyone to touch me even today. i haven’t held my own mother in a long time, i’ve never kissed anyone or cuddled, done anything sexual, etc. we’ve been trying to help each other through our own traumas, and she suggested that i let her start trying to touch me more, which i was apprehensive about but i thought maybe it would be good. she started holding my hand when we walked down the hall, hugging me, and we cuddled with each other both of the two times we hung out. i felt fine about it, but the second time we cuddled just felt off, and i think she was thinking of it as a romantic thing and it made me uncomfortable. in the middle i told her i didn’t want to do it anymore and she got mad at me which prompted me to just deal with it and let her cuddle me again. i feel upset about this, because i was uncomfortable, but also because i feel like i’ve made her feel romantically toward me by allowing her to do this and i’m the older one so i should’ve told her no ? it’s been bothering me obsessively, i’m scared that i led her on and the age difference in general makes me uncomfortable

Kaycee86

Date posted: 5y

After dealing with trauma like that you cant help what you feel. You could try talking with her but at the same be caring about the conversation. If she isnt able to understand how you feel then you may need to focus on you first. Dont feel guilty for trying to better yourself. You were trying to over come an obsticle and that is a big step. As she gets older she with try to over come her own and may be able to understand then what you are going through now. The fact that you seem concerned for her feelings shows that you care for her as a person. Find the positives in your situation and follow through with that.

Sarah33

Date posted: 5y

thank you very much. i’m going to continue to try and better myself but maybe in other, healthier ways ?

violet chana

Date posted: 5y

Seconded, and... while it’s definitely true that older teenagers have more power than younger ones it seems like you’re very conscious of that, and it’s important to remember that your discomfort matters too. You have the right to set whatever boundaries you want without having to justify it, especially as a traumatized person. The situation you’re in is definitely tricky but it’s pretty common for wlw since our friendship pool is so small, and so many of us have been abused. You’re definitely not alone

Sarah33

Date posted: 5y

thank you so much for telling me that my discomfort matters too. i just thought it was dumb to feel uncomfortable since she’s younger than i am. i’m trying to set boundaries, she’s kind of pushy about things and i’m very much a “let it happen” person, but i think it’s important to set them here. i’m so scared to feel like i’m taking advantage of her, especially when she started kind of acting romantically toward me

violet chana

Date posted: 5y

@sarahj91 Your discomfort always matters! Tbh speaking as someone who’s been on both sides of situations very similar to this one, it was honestly worse to be the older person and be thrown a ton of unwanted responsibility over someone younger, than just having an unreciprocated crush. As long as you know you don’t want or intend to take advantage of her you’re doing the right thing, and you don’t owe anything in exchange for not giving her what she thinks she wants. You always have the right to enforce your boundaries, no matter what.

Sarah33

Date posted: 5y

@violet chana god i feeeeel you with the whole “being thrown a ton of unwanted responsibility”, it’s so tiring. she keeps telling me that we’re at the same mental age and making me feel bad on the daily now for not being extremely touchy. i think i’ll be setting touching boundaries with her later tonight

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond