I'm still obsessing over the fact that I'm an immoral person for ever viewing porn on pornsites. This is a constant obsession that comes back constantly. I stopped watching porn 2 years ago after learning about how unethical it is. I keep fearing I came across unethical porn unknowingly. I keep having porn scenes play in my head. It makes me want to punish myself severly for being so naive when I was younger and consuming porn regularly. I hate myself for ever watching it and I hate it for ever existing :(

I used to watch porn every other day when I was a teenager, I would visit porn sites like every other night. It was my way to cope with stress and suppress my past sexual trauma. It made me feel better and it was my escape. It was the same as brushing my teeth almost, it became a habit/addiction from when I was 15-20. Later on when I read articles on fightthenewdrug and other things online, and I read about how unethical porn can be I completely stopped and I am disgusted by it. I just feel ashamed I ever watched it. When I read how likely it was too come across unethical porn, it really disturbed me. I cant cope with the potential of me being an immoral person because I was ignorant as a teenager and thought porn was fine and everything was ethical and consensual etc etc :(

I'm sorry, I do know that reassurance doesn't help but I cant seem to stop myself from trying to get it (it's my main compulsion) . I know when this rumination cycle subsides I'll feel less of a need to have reassurance. I'm just waiting for the wave to end. I also have zero people in my real life to speak about these things, I dont have friends or a therapist, I have my mum but I feel guilty for feeling unwell infront of her. I have no meds, nothing to stabilise me. I just need to let it out somewhere. I cant deal with it all on my own, I just want to feel comforted and not alone :(

@MJocd Find your local psychotgerapist or psychiatrist who will help you... It is not a fail but a new start for you ?

@MJocd Would having a conversation with someone about a topic you're interested in give you the connection you're craving without the reassurance component?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I'm not sure, maybe? I guess I'm seeking reassurance. I just want someone to tell me I'm still a good person. That's all I want. I'm terrified of being a bad person :(

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I used to have health OCD, I'd sell my kidneys to get the fear of obsessing over cancer again. I cant cope with obsessing over my morality, it's too personal and it's too hard. It makes me want to punish myself and I feel undeserving of love or anything good. I feel dirty and disgusting and I dont even feel like God could accept me. atleast with the cancer fear I felt close to god and felt loved and could openly talk about my fears and worries. Infact I dont even mind getting cancer itself, that would be easier to deal with feeling this unworthy and disgusting.

@MJocd I can empathize with this. Many of the fears I have left relate to "am I a bad person". The reason they're the ones I still struggle with is because they're the ones I'm least willing to experience uncertainty about

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Thankyou for sharing that, it helps me feel less alone. Yes morality based fears or any fears attached to morality are extremely difficult to deal with! Acceptance or sitting with uncertainty would probably be something like this "so what if I am a bad person?" But I cant ACCEPT that! To me bad people and good people are in two completely different spheres. They're completely separate, bad people are murders, abusers, evil people etc etc and if I accept I could be "bad" then I feel that I will get lumped in with them. Does that make sense? :(

@MJocd Your OCD is insisting on black and white thinking. Mine does too. The reality is that everyone is somewhere in between

@NOCD Advocate - Katie What themes do you suffer with? How could I work on reducing black and white thinking?

@MJocd I personally don't find "themes" helpful in my recovery. I have one problem "the OCD problem" not ten different ones based on the content of my fears. Across time I have a strong pattern of scrupulosity. Right now that looks like being afraid I'll be responsible for killing the environment. I've got obsessions about whether people think I look like a prostitute. Perfectionism and number obsessions are the other patterns

Thankyou for this ❤ My brain keeps bringing up these old memories of porn scenes I came across and telling me to go back to the sites and search for them and then flag them for the site to check if the porn is unethical or not. Its telling me that's how to make the rumination stop ?. I dont want to do that, I dont want to go back onto any pornsite. Ugh!

@MJocd This is my main theme anyway, I just want everyone and everything to be safe. This is the thing, I cant understand why that's not something I can control!