harm tw I just self-harmed for the first time in probably four years. I always stopped myself by remembering that my body and mind want to keep me safe but today it just didn’t work. When I tried to stop myself with that reasoning, it just made me angrier. It made me want to hurt myself more because I hate my stupid body and mind and they deserve to suffer. Now I’m miserable because in my family pretty much anyone who self-harms goes straight to the psychiatric hospital. I know I’m in a very bad mental space. I think a lot of my friends know that too because they’ve been avoiding and ignoring me. I’m in a residential hall at college and now I’m just hiding in my room. I’m scared though because my intrusive thoughts are a lot worse right now and I’m terrified that I could possible act out on them. I just feel like it’d be better if I die. I hate myself so much right now and I’m realizing my friends don’t like me much either, so I don’t see the point of sticking around.

I feel completely out of control

I don’t really know, I’m scared of doing anything. My OCD is really bad right now

@ocdsurvivorem Can you describe "really bad" in more detail?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I’m just really scared because I feel out of control. My OCD is telling me that if I can’t stop myself from self-harming, I might hurt someone else too. I don’t wanna hurt anyone but I’m so scared.

@ocdsurvivorem Is there a small thing you are willing to try in order to call OCD bluff?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie What can I do? My parents know about what happened and now they’re trying to pull me out of college. My life has gone completely downhill and I just want to give up.

@ocdsurvivorem Have you used your colleges counseling center?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Thank you for talking with me about all this. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD. I’m doing neurofeedback and taking medication. I’m so discouraged because I feel like even with ALL this treatment, I am still a disaster. My OCD has kinda taken a backseat right now and I’m just reeling from the consequences of self-harming. I don’t wanna go back home because that’ll make me feel even crazier. I just wanna stay at college with my friends. I’m supposed to graduate this semester. I’m supposed to be having fun and doing things that normal college students do. Sorry this is all a lot. My family wants me to go home so I can get intensive treatment at the Rogers OCD Center. I know that I probably need that, but I hate feeling crazy and mentally ill. I don’t know what to tell my friends. One of my closest friends in college is graduating this semester and I can’t stand the possibility of not graduating with him. I just feel like I’m crazy and a failure. I couldn’t even stop myself from messing up the one good thing I have in my life.

@ocdsurvivorem I'd at least get on the Rogers waiting list. It can take a few months to get a spot.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie If it's worth anything, Rogers was the first place I didn't feel crazy

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Really? That’s so good to hear! I’m definitely getting on the waiting list

@ocdsurvivorem Yeah. It was the first time I was in a place where people (staff and peers) understood, and the first time I had hope

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I’m looking forward to feeling the same way. If you don’t mind disclosing, which location did you go to?

@ocdsurvivorem I went to the adolescent residential about ten years ago