Will someone please keep me company? I feel extremely bad because of my HOCD thoughts :(

I took a nap today and I woke up overwhelmed with thoughts of my HOCD and they felt extremely real. I couldn't get the thought out of my head telling I'm gay. I felt I was in compulsory heterosexuality, I couldn't think of anything else at all :(

@chamomile What is it about being gay that scares you? What's the worse possible thing that will come from being gay?

@Riso123 1. Ive always wanted to be with guys and it scares me I can't be with them anymore and I have to spend my life with another female, whenever I see myself with another girl in the future it just seems empty and like a dark void :(

@Riso123 I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but it is to me. I get anxiety panics and my heart palpitations go through the roof, it doesnt fe nice and my head feels heavy from all the intrusive thoughts :( It just doesn't feel natural and physically hurts my chest

@chamomile I completely get it. Just try to challenge the thought. Remind yourself, it's a thought and not true. Remember the t-rex scenario yesterday. Just because you had the thought, doesn't mean you have a fetish for dinosaur porn. You've had a thought, it's scared you and so you've added emotion to it. Try to accept, it's a thought the same ad any other. The thought doesn't make you who you are. Remember to keep breathing through it. If needs be, sit there and tell yourself out loud that you are the biggest lesbian the world had seen and your going to be munching muff till you can't do it any more. Push yourself through this and keep saying it out loud over and over until you feel suddenly that you agree simply bored of saying it and the emotional worry has gone. Give the OCD an overload of what it wants. What SHOULD happen is that your OCD gets bored and you'll be released to move on to more mundane thoughts of "what shall I have for dinner" etc. It hurts. The thoughts hurt. The thoughts, panic and pain aare unique to you. Bit also you ate powerful enough to get through this. Try what I suggested and let me know how you feel after. It works for me when I am sick in a thought process.

@Riso123 I suddenly laughed reading the t rex thing again lol but yes I'll try what you suggested and maybe let you know. Just reading that was kind of uncomfortable and trying that seems scary but I'll do it

@chamomile It's meant to be uncomfortable unfortunately. But the release you get at the end of the process is well worth it (if it works for you). I spent 40 minutes my first time crying my eyes out in front of my therapist, ask the while he kept making me do it. Just remember to keep breathing. Don't sup when you cry, keep going and going and going. If it works, you should feel like a huge weight has lifted. If you battle your mind not to think of t-rex, t-rex is hoping to keep coming back stronger. If you do nothing more than sit there and think about t-rex in all his most naughty and detailed positions, your mind will get bored and want to think about something else.

@Riso123 This is exactly what I had done when I first had HOCD but after relapsing I feel like I forgot every method to cope but I've been doing it, it's been 5 minutes and it feels weird and uncomfy but I'll get through

@chamomile Stop posting and really concentrate on every detailed aspect of your story. Be creative. Say out loud every horrible thing that will happen to you etc. Once you finish, come back and hit me up. Hope you feel better soon!

@Riso123 Ok thanks :)

Oh my!! That is definitely embarassing I suppose, I mean just crying as a grown man/woman is uncomfortable especially in front of others

hey, idk if you're there but I've been doing it for almost 45 minutes I can't go on any longer, I'm getting bored but I'm also feeling uncomfortable. Weirdly enough I didn't cry but my heart was racing and my stomach felt wierd. I feel like I've accepted being gay and I have compulsory heterosexuality still. (Simultaneously I also triggered myself with pictures of lesbians and I still didn't cry) does this mean anything?

@chamomile Ok. I would stop in that case. What's world for me obviously has a negative affect on you. I'm sorry it may have made things worse, that's not at all what I intended. The only advise I cab think of giving you at this point is to realise these are still only thoughts and not reality. I really wish I could ease your pain :(. I got a little triggered today, but honestly the last few days I've been doing well. Do you ever have times where you actually feel ok? But then you can feel in all your body that an almighty storm of anxiety is approaching?

@Riso123 Yes, I do get that feeling a lor, a feel ok but I also feel anxious at the same time but on some days my intuition just feels something bis gonna go wrong somewhere and I feel this wave of anxiety coming :(. Today was similar, I felt ok but then after the nap everything went wrong

@chamomile I don't know why after screaming I'm a lesbian to myself for almost an hour Im almost starting to believe it but I also know I don't enjoy it. This is so confusing :(

@chamomile Like I looked at pictures of lesbians to see if I was uncomfy and I was uncomfy but I still didn't cry which really puts me in a confused position

@chamomile If OCD wasn't confusing, it wouldn't be a problem lol. I'm really sorry your having such a hard time right now :(

@Riso123 No its fine I mean almost everyday goes like this but did me not crying mean something? Does that mean I am really a lesbian? Have I been in compulsory heterosexuality this while time? :( I know all of these are super reassurance seeking but at this point I can't help. I'm so sorry :(

@chamomile It's ok. Just so long as you know I'm not going to answer those for you. You are certainly in "over analytical" mode though. Try just letting the thoughts pass by and not try to work them out. They might mean something, they might mean nothing. You won't know until you know. For now, you need to get comfortable with the uncomfortable reality of not knowing I'm afraid :(

@Riso123 It fine. I understand :(. Thank you

No for all the questions :(. I tried telling my mom but she disregarded it, she doesn't believe in stuff like mental illnesses (basically I have Karen as my mom)

I can't tell anybody at school either. They definitely wouldn't know the subset I'm talking about (heck! They wouldn't even know subsets are a thing in OCD). Most of them see OCD as only cleaning and stuff but they don't realize how big this spectrum is. Other than this app, I don't have any way I can get a therapist, can't tell my parents either (I tried telling my mother a few times and still disregards it) and I can't talk to anybody at school. Most of them know I have OCD cause they notice me cleaning and washing my hands a lot (I have cleanliness/hygiene OCD). They people around here stigmatize mental health a lot so it's almost impossible for me as a "peculiar" child to get help :(

I tried speaking with doctors too and they said "what anxiety?? You're still a teen!! You don't have anything to worry about!!" They honestly didn't give me a chance to explain and there are obvious reasons why I didn't persist and try to explain :(. It hurts so bad that nobody understands mental illness, like we almost ended a decade and still!!

My mother knows about my cleanliness OCD and she said it's common and I won't need a therapist. Truthfully soeaking, the country I live in see having mental disorders as bad and thus going to a therapist is seen badly. My mom doesn't take me because she doesn't want to ruin her public image.

@chamomile Your not in the US?

@chamomile She knew I had OCD like my dad since I was young but she exposed me to a lot of triggering places or things which helped me kind of get used to my OCD but it still doesn't help I have an obsession with cleaning and washing my hands a lot

@Riso123 No sir, I live in India

@chamomile I wondered if you might say that. That makes more sense, as the social stigma is an extra eminent for you to get through. I guess all you have really is us. We'r ate here if and when you need us :)

@Riso123 Thank you so much :). Honestly I'm grateful to the founder for creating this app, I've met a lot of great people like you who have kept me company throughout my horrible journey with this subset so far. My other subsets don't affect me too much but this one (HOCD) is almost killing me.

@chamomile In a side note. your English is exemplary!

@Riso123 Oh thank you!! ?

@Riso123 A lot of people say that around here. Apparantly my voice, English accent & pronounciations are kind of foreign like

@chamomile I certainly wouldn't have known you're Indian if you hadn't said!

@Riso123 Wait, really?? Is it that good that it actually makes people believe I'm from the US??

@chamomile I thought you where yes :)

@Riso123 Oh thank you so much!! I'm happy to know that!!

Of course I'd say welcome. Indians have a very regional accent that's sometimrs hard to understand. Sometimes even I don't understand it lol

That is so wierd! As a worker I'd be confused too. Wth, who taught them that? Another thing Indians have a lot of a abbreviations the make in English, possibly he's doing that. But he isn't supposed to make abbreviations like those in spoken English especially in a workplace

@chamomile Take what you just said, it used perfect grammar. When talking to the coder, it would clone out back to front, with extra words that agree not needed and a lot of words missing that should be there. Have you been taught in an English school or something?

@Riso123 Yes I study in a school where they teach and we speak in English all the time, but I learnt English mostly from movies and TV shows

Thank you, see you tomorrow :)