Hi can somebody just keep me company? I'm just in so much pain and doubt :(

I was drawing for an hour and really it didn't help, even then I was just thinking and doubting about stuff :(

*Give virtual hug back* Thank you :(

Thanks for the heart ❤️

I agree, exercising helps to release or clear your mind.

Maybe I'll do it tomorrow it's 11 pm at night

❤️ hope you'll get through, I honestly vreel like crying because of my HOCD :(

@chamomile We’re in it together.

@Marisa_ Hope so, I'm so distressed :(

My HOCD! I was doing pretty fine in the morning, ever since it was evening I started to feel bad. I was just sitting and eating and even then I couldn't get the intrusive thoughts out of my head. So I searched up about HOCD on Google, and while reading a post, I saw a comment where a girl went through "phases" like "straight phase" and "bi phase" and now I'm scared that I'm actually going through a phase and I am really a lesbian deep down. Tears fell out of eyes on their own as I was reading her cpmment, its now paining my chest so bad :(

@chamomile The thing that scares me the most is that I went through a "bi phase" for almost a year but I never felt bi nor was I attracted to girls (sexually and romantically). Some girls were actually obsessed with me and would kiss me randomly and those kisses always felt weird to me like id never enjoy any of them :(.

@chamomile But now my brain is obsessed that I did enjoy their kisses and that those memories were fake but I know they had happened :( And now this is making me restless.

@chamomile You're believing on your feelings rather than the actual facts. The things you mentioned are not sure to take place. Focus on positive things as well that make you grow, the times here needed to be viewed from a bigger picture because sometimes we're too lost into our problems that we don't value the other things in life.

@Believe I had a whole epiphany yesterday about my HOCD, and I was confident that I was completely straight and no matter what HOCD can't change me into being gay but now I'm scared that what if I was always going through a "straight phase" and I really don't like guys. Ice always enjoyed their company and the sexual and romantic feelings I developed about them (fact) but my brain has altered it so much!! I don't know what to believe anymore!!

@Believe Another thing that scares me is my is my age, I'm just 14. I never had sexual or romantic feelings when I was going through puberty at the age of 9. Why am I going through this now???

@chamomile I mean sexual and romantic feelings about girls. I don't go through them now either and I can bet you I won't when I'm grown up either but it scares me that I'll become gay in the future.

@chamomile Are you seeing a therapist?

@Believe No

@chamomile Why?

@Believe My country stigmatizes it (& all other mental disorders). I spoke to my mother about my HOCD and she told me she didn't want to ruin her public image and get a therapist for me and I'll be fine (she's basically a Karen). I spoke to doctors about anxiety and their response is always "what anxiety?? You're still a teen! You dont have any worries in life! ?" And that hurt me a lot.

@chamomile That's really tough to heal when situations like these arises. I can understand. Did you tried ERP or CBT by yourself?

@Believe I tried and initially I was successful but I relapsed and now it's kind of impossible to do it without having the fear of turning gay :(

@chamomile You should keep doing it! It's life changing for OCD people. The illusions that obsessions have can be turned down by ERP. This app is good for doing it. And for CBT there's an app Mindshift which you'll find easier to begin with. Don't lose hope and believe in yourself as these are one of the most important things that are available here and now...

@Believe Will it turn me into my worst fear? I don't want to turn into something that has never felt natural to me :(

@chamomile That I can't tell you but living in constant fear is okay for you? Is this natural for you? You have to stand up rather than constantly letting you wishes be just wishes because something which can be controlled is now controlling you.

@Believe Honestly saying I'd rather live with my HOCD than actually turning gay because if ERP. I know it seems like I'm dumb but living in the fear seems actually living it

@chamomile You're feeling like you should live like this is because of OCD only. Again, like any other obsession, this is also an obsession where you feel you should "stay" in this condition rather than doing ERP and know the truth.

@Believe Does OCD reflect our true desires or is it false? Im scared of doing ERP in fear that I'll come to know I don't like guys and I've always forced them. Does forcing something on ourselves feel good? It shouldn't right? :(

@chamomile Just the thought of not ACTUALLY liking guys and that I've always forced myself distresses me. I feel this weird feeling in my chest, heavy breathing and i get sad (almost feel like crying)

@chamomile OCD makes false desire of the original one. For example:- You might be liking someone but actually you aren't. And for the last question, this is reassurance seeking that I can't answer.

@Believe Wait, I like a guy currently and I've liked him before my HOCD started taking control, does that mean I'm not actually into him??! Or did you use it just as an example?? Or maybe you could rephrase better??? I'm sorry, I'm panicking

@chamomile I just used that as an example.

@Believe Ok could you rephrase the example? I'm sorry I know I'm acting stupid but I just had a hard time understanding the example :(

@chamomile Example:- Due to false feelings that are generated by obsessions, you might feel you like someone but those obsessions might not be true.

@Believe Oh ok I get it thanks :)