Question: Are y’all ever proud of your progress, but then you start to feel out of place because you can’t imagine who you’d be if you were constantly drowned by your OCD? Yeah, me too. :/

This is so confusing. I am proud that I struggle through this battle because I think it makes us smart , emotionally intelligent, & deep thinkers. And now that I see some improvement (which I have wanted for a while) I feel kinda down, like, “Oh. Well I guess here we are then...”

@Tori B :) Yeah Im proud of how I'm able to actually sometimes sit through anxiety and I'm getting confident slowly about my real and natural sexuality. But at the same time I'm super anxious, my brain says all things that literally make me cry :(. I sometimes even start believing them

@chamomile I’m here for you friend! We are all in this difficult enigma together.

@Tori B :) I'm just super anxious but I'm trying to not think but it so hard to breath sometimes, it's almost suffocating to think I'm gay/bi and I fear I fucked my sexuality up because of forcing myself to be bisexual in the past (spoiler: It didn't feel natural nor was I EVER attracted to girls)

@chamomile I’m so sorry. :( So it was just a compulsion? Or an obsession?

@Tori B :) You mean me forcing myself to be bisexual?

@chamomile Yes

@Tori B :) The thing is complicated. Would you like to listen the WHOLE story?

@chamomile I sure would if you’d like a listening ear!

@Tori B :) (1) Me identifying myself "bisexual" is kind of complicated. I always so people saying how from straight they became bisexual and my brain immediately told me "that's how you feel too, you're a bisexual". I believed this though I knew I didn't have any sexual or romantic feelings for girls prior to my puberty or during and after puberty. This thought came to me after 3 or 4 years later puberty. I identified "bisexual" though I wasn't comfortable thinking of girls in that way. Thinking that was my true sexuality I forced myself into liking and thinking of girls which progressively grew into false attraction.

@Tori B :) (2) Thoughts about girls still never came to me naturally and I would have false attractions to ONLY masculine women. I couldn't think about even them sexually or romantically either. Later at school, a girl (who I suspect is bi) would pull my face and kiss me randomly which felt weird. I'd just smile in a weirded out or awkward way. Even back then I would get this awkward feeling in my stomach when I thought of flirting with a girl and whenever I called myself bisexual.

@chamomile (3) I was still kind of set that this IS my true sexuality and I would try to remember if I had any crushes on girls. Progressively these thoughts became false memories which again falsely solidified I was "bisexual". But I was slowly kind of realising that I had always been straight from my prior real memories. But my false attraction for girls were just so strong, I still couldn't leave the habit. This IS what gave a huge rise to my HOCD. So even. I can't tell if ALL of this was me realising, or an obsession or a mere compulsion :(

@chamomile My HOCD now has gotten so severe that I can't tell if all of this was me faking and repressing myself. I've always thought and wanted to be with guys naturally but my HOCD says otherwise :(

@chamomile I feel so sad that I had thought this and I really feel I've changed my own sexuality completely. I still get anxious looking at girls and now im numb to attraction to guys. But it feels good to think of boys (extremely good) :(

@chamomile @chamomile I am sooo sorry you are facing this! I have said it many times & I will say it again: OCD is ENIGMATIC. It also appears to be one of the hardest mental illnesses to navigate. I used to fear liking my same sex (because I personally believe it is wrong) so you’re not alone in that fear. However, I never faced a struggle quite like yours. I can sympathize with you though because every theme of OCD can totally torment you. Thank you for opening up to me though! I am also here if you need help just processing. ❤️

@Anonymous can i ask how you are now?