I have very disturbing thoughts and I'm not sure what my compulsion is or if I even have ocd but I feel very avoidant because of it. My friend passed away on Christmas, My dad passed away when I was 8 months old, another friend passed away January, Kobe Bryant and his daughter died and they were great people. More people died.... I had never been so exposed to death as I have this year. I had never lost anyone close to me that I knew well. However, sometimes I'm laying in bed and all I could think about is blackness. Your brain just shutting down. Oblivion. Then other thoughts start to come in as well about how I could go to hell because I don't have enough faith in heaven. I was so religious as a child all throughout highschool until I hit 16. I crashed and started having panic attacks. I feel like I've lost who I was. I cant pray without feeling like a hypocrite. I can't pray without feeling like an evil person. I dont even know how to start. When I was 16 I liked music but I didnt know much about ocd and i thought about how famous people supposedly traded their souls to the devil and then i said oh what if i trade my soul and idk wtf i was playing at it was like a joke but then i got so caught in it i started crying and praying thousands of times. I'd look up the unforgivable sin and such things. The case Is I woke up believing I couldnt feel anymore. I didn't recognize my body sensations I felt like an empty shell I forgot what it was like to feel human. (I never changed) but I was very disoriented. I would vomit and shake. There was a night that I was trembling badly I ended up going to a crisis center because I believed my something was wrong with me. I'd observe my thoughts believing that they were automatic even though they arent. I even thought reading was automatic (like I'd look at a sign to see if the word would just pop up) I was very lost in my head. Anyways i recovered from that crisis. The therapist said I only had anxiety no medication needed. So I moved on. Now I struggle because I worry about my feelings. I worry that I may not be reacting normal. Like if my bf laughs at a funny video I will obsess inside about why I didnt laugh why I dont find things funny like he did. I do this with movies too or anything in general that makes me question whether I'm okay emotionally. Am I in love? Am i a bad person? Am i hateful? Am I toxic? Several things that I cant identify sometimes. And sometimes I try to connect emotions to body sensations to make sure I'm okay but not all emotions come with sensations. They do but it's not very specific. Love Is the worst because love is so abstract. I think to myself why am I not feeling butterflies... but forget love is also a choice but I also fear that maybe I'm truly not in love and forcing myself to feel it. But at the same time I feel happy around my boyfriend I like to take care of him I like to kiss and hug him and hes annoying sometimes but I also learn to put my rudeness aside I have learned to be a better person because of him. However I do get a lot of obsessive thoughts with him as well. Death is usually the biggest, what if he dies how will I react ? Am I a psycho for imagining this? What if I die before my birthday? Etc... I'm scared to fall asleep in the car always imagining we could crash. I get a lot of obsession thoughts over love. Am I a good person I dont think I love my mom. But I do love her and its not grand because she mistreated me so badly as a child. She hit us a lot and was always verbally abusive and I feel detached from her but back then I loved her so much and maybe because I was a child. I loved her smell I loved praying with her when I had anxiety attacks. One of the reasons I stopped praying is because I realised it was a compulsion I always thought my ocd attacks existential crisis or death anxiety was a demon or a spirit I had caught. So I would pray and cry and shake. I stopped believing in everything all together. But now I just want to know God I want to learn what it's like to feel safe what it's like to know a loving God what it's like to put your feelings aside and help others to be selfless but now that is also turning into a compulsion j feel a need to feel clean to feel like I'm a good person. I've been planning on going to church as a start. But it feels more like a compuksion and I want to be a real desire. Idek