What’s the point in trying? If people say you can’t be 100% free of ocd you can only “manage” it, seriously tell me what’s the fucking point? I’m not up for dealing with a broken brain for the rest of my fucking life

Well done getting better Erp irritates me. Ocd is the only illness where you have to behave like you don’t have it in order to not have it. I feel like it’s like telling a depressed person they have to behave like they’re happy to be happy it’s such a paradox

@uwotm8 Yes, they do. It's called behavior activation. People with social anxiety need to socialize to recover. People with eating disorders need to practice eating normally. People with selective mutism need to gradually talk more and more. People with addictions need to stop using substances DBT teaches "opposite action" as a core skill. Almost all effective treatment involves a behavioral component.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I just think well, if I could stop I would? Or it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place? Like I feel like I’m being told to stop going the things I already wish I didn’t do

@uwotm8 If you could do it without distress, of course you would. All of us would. In ERP, we say "I'm willing to feel a while bunch of distress now so that later in I feel better".

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I don’t believe it will though it seems like putting your hand in fire and expecting it not to burn

@NOCD Advocate - Katie The best I can come up with is “if the thing happens I’ll have kill myself so I don’t have to deal with it”

@uwotm8 Perhaps reading some recovery memoirs would help you to feel willing to try it. Until then, I don't think it's reasonable to complain about ERP. It's your prerogative to choose not to do it, but if you choose not to, you don't have an informed opinion yet

@uwotm8 I physically *cant* accept uncertainty. When I say I can’t, I mean I genuinely fucking can’t and I won’t either. I was abandoned once without warning I won’t do it again

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Defensive just because I’m unsure if it I see

@uwotm8 Do you go onto second floors of buildings? Do you ride in or drive a car?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I’m not the only person to be sceptical. I’ve seen many people complain about the concept. I bet you even did too.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yeah of course

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Or send important information or letters by mail?

@uwotm8 Then that is proof that you CAN accept uncertainty.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yeah but I don’t see what that has to do with anything

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Well no cuz they’re not gonna leave me without warning are they

@NOCD Advocate - Katie You accept the uncertainty that the floor might collapse at any moment. You accept the uncertainty that you might get into a serious car accident, or that you get pulled over and written a ticket. You accept the uncertainty that your letter could get list in the mail and never arrive

@uwotm8 I’ll seriously lose my fucking mind if it happens again My ex of ten years kicked me out with no reason or warning so people don’t know how brutal that is

@NOCD Advocate - Katie The issue is not accepting uncertainty in general. You can do that. It's that your OCD has decided that you WON'T accept uncertainty about this one thing. And that is something you can change if you want to. Right now you are deciding that you want the false security that your OCD provides more than you want recovery

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Nah I really can’t deal with being left again, seriously it was the worst most dark time in my life I was kicked out of the house, he cheated on me, took my money, I had no place to move and no car etc Seriously no one ever gets how brutal it is. I lost 10 lbs in a week and considered killing myself I was so shocked and I can’t have that again

@uwotm8 There were no signs either he slept with me and said he loved me the day before he booted me out too

@uwotm8 May i be honest?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yeah

@uwotm8 From reading your posts, the impression I've gathered is that you can't deal with it now. The "can't deal if it happens again" reflects that you haven't dealt with the first abandonment. What happened to you was horrible. Of course you're hurting. Anybody would be. Allowing OCD to trample all over you isn't making it any better. It's just distracting you from the healing you need to do after such a big betrayal

@NOCD Advocate - Katie @NOCD Advocate - Katie Well I’m not bothered by the ex I’m terrified of my partner leaving me now cuz he’s about a thousand times better than my ex in every way possible- and also I feel like I’m not good enough for him too. I’m glad the first guy left me. I’m just scared that we’ll, clearly my experience proves it possible for people to lie and say they love you when they don’t so why wouldn’t someone who is BETTER than me leave me too?

@uwotm8 You can be glad that your ex left and still be feeling from the shock of it. Those two things aren't mutually exclusive. It's like you've taken the trauma from the first abandonment and are placing it in the context of the new relationship

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Well yeah cuz clearly I’m replaceable aren’t I

@NOCD Advocate - Katie *Reeling* not feeling

@uwotm8 I don't think that's the only interpretation of what happened

@NOCD Advocate - Katie What do you mean?

@uwotm8 Someone you trusted abandoned you. You came to the conclusion that you're replaceable. I think there are other conclusions that you could draw. Like that he was a jerk. Or that he didn't deserve your trust. I think his actions are a reflection of his problems, not yours

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yeah that’s true ? I know that too I do think he’s an awful person but I still somehow think well I must have deserved it or something (even though I was a good girlfriend)

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Thankyou I’m sorry I’m such hard work on this app I’m so frustrated

@uwotm8 You don't need to apologise. I'm in this conversation because I want to be. I do wonder whether a trauma therapist might help in the meantime before you're ready to tackle the OCD

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Thankyou

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I’m sorry for being harsh too when I get panicky I am not very nice I’m so sorry

Well o don’t want them though that’s my point I don’t want this stupid fucking brain it’s a cunt Why can’t I just be normal? I don’t wanna have to work hard to be normal. Normal people are normal I want that naturally

It miraculously came on so it better miraculously fuck off cuz I will end my shit

@uwotm8 Normal brains DO have these thoughts. They just don't think they are meaningful

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Alright well I want that brain then not the one that can’t function without being tested at the clinic 16 times a gear

Trauma seems like an extreme word to me for a breakup? My friends have always said too that I have to stop blaming my ex for my issues now too so I’m just thinking well yeah it IS all me then

@uwotm8 What if it isn't all or none?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie What do you mean

I did fuck all though I was literally kicked out at random while he planned a holiday and still fucking knew he was leaving me

@uwotm8 So you're not responsible for the breakup. That's on him. You are responsible for how you've coped or not coped in the aftermath. The trauma was caused by him. The OCD is being maintained by you

@NOCD Advocate - Katie So it is all my fault then. I didn’t want to be put in the situation in the first place where I HAD to take responsibility for a breakup where he literally purposefully hid the signs from me so I didn’t see it coming

@uwotm8 Cruel cunt I fucking hate his guts

@uwotm8 You are twisting my words

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Well if it’s my responsibility to handle something I didn’t want or expect how else is it not my fault? I’m obviously not good enough for fucking f anything

@NOCD Advocate - Katie My current partner will probably leave me too I obviously wasn’t worth being honest with when my first ex left me so it’s obviously me I’m just not worthy of fuck all I’m not like other women

@uwotm8 I feel panicky and I can’t think straight I have tunnel vision im expecting to be kicked out again if I officially move in with my partner now and I really won’t cope again if bay happens again I am cracking the fuck up I’ll lose my fucking g mind

@uwotm8 I do t wanna die but I feel the only way I can “accept uncertainty” is to kill myself if the bad thing happens but I don’t wanna die either

@uwotm8 Hey there. The analyzing that you are doing on this thread, trying to assign fault or responsibility, is practicing OCD. As painful as it is to hear, you will never 100 percent know if this is your fault or his. You brain, like mine and others, wants certainty and thinks in extremes. All or none. My fault or his fault. Etc. OCD has attacked break ups in my life and it is horrific. OCD later attacked my marriage and that was horrific. A huge roadblock for me was self loathing - not being enough. Therapy helped me realize that I am enough, that I deserve compassion, that my lifetime of ocd experiences is trauma, and that life is not black and white. You are not alone in the pain you feel. You are worthy of a good relationship but it’s more important right now you seek treatment. Therapy works!

@DCM ∆∆∆∆well said

@uwotm8 I'm gonna now out of this conversation because I'm getting frustrated giving the same responses again and again

@DCM Well it os his failt mainly cuz of the way he handled it but I also feel like I must just be defective for him to WANT to have ducked my head up this way in the first place? Or why else would he have treated me that way??? I was with him from age 14-24. We moved in together got a dog and he continued to tell me he loved me, carried on sleeping with me, planned a holiday and when we returned he went cold said “I don’t want you anymore you need to leave” so I thought he was joking, but he wasn’t. He knew he was leaving me BEFORE the holiday and still carried on being intimate despite his plans to kick me out when we returned. I moved to my parents in a box room had to store my things in a caravan and quickly find somewhere and a new car. Never been alone before as an adult and had NO FUCKING WARNIG and he cheated too. I had girls message me saying he shagged someone else. He took my rent money (which I paid to him every month) as I carried on paying it thinking he was having a breakdown. But then he ducked off on holiday again with it to avoid me. He sublet to two others so had even more people paying rent, and he didn’t tell me. I went to collect my belongings and THATS now I found out. They then threatened me with police because I came to take my stuff away and they wanted to keep it.

@uwotm8 Like what did I do to deserve that ?

@uwotm8 And like he wouldn’t answer any of my questions either so to this fucking DAY I still don’t know why. Like I see signs of being abandoned EVERYWHERE now because they are all potential signs in my mind I have to be more vigilant to prepare myself

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Okay well You’re gonna be frustrated a lot then, cuz there’s gonna be loads of other people like me let’s be honest ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

@uwotm8 Hey. Let’s all be kind to one another. We all suffer. And Katie is giving her time to try and help. This disorder sucks but let’s be thankful we have each other! I believe in you and I know you can get better!

@DCM Well she could have just chosen to not respond, that’s completely fine, but to make me aware I’m pissing her off well, I’ll react then

@DCM She told an ocd sufferer they’re frustrating her. Case Closed

@uwotm8 Would you have ? happier if I said that I was stepping out of the conversation because I don't want to participate in your reassurance seeking rituals? I owned my feelings. I didn't blame you for them. You chose to interpret my feelings as controlled by you. I let you know why I was leaving so that you did not interpret it as me abandoning the conversation or ignoring you. I can handle if you're mad at me. Being helpful often involves doing things that other people don't like in the moment.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I did not mean the wasp picture. I tried to say "be"

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Whatever helps you sleep at night. You told an ocd sufferer they’re annoying you end of story

@uwotm8 Ok. If that's how you choose to look at it, I'm not going to argue with you

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I mean to be fair, you commented on *my* post about *my* issues, then told me it annoyed you in the name of “not making me feel Abandoned” (which felt really cheap to comment just to give yourself permission to tell me I’m frustrating YOU) when you didn’t have to reply in the first place. Then you made it about YOUR feelings. If you don’t like confrontation, you picked the wrong person cuz I might have low self esteem, but I’m also feisty when I have to be. I thought you were bowing out anyway. What happened to that then?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Actually, now you have commented again, I want to directly ask you - What made you think it was a good idea, to tell an OCD sufferer with abandonment issues from past trauma that they’re frustrating? Genuinely curious how that is meant to be helpful, yknow. And coming from an “advocate” who also has ocd? How does that help me please and Thankyou

@uwotm8 I did not tell you that you were frustrating. I said that I felt frustrated. Those are two entirely different statements

@NOCD Advocate - Katie And I never mentioned any version of the word "annoying".

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I came back to the conversation because my emotion passed and I was ready to respond again

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Frustrating definition adjective: causing annoyance or upset

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Just admit you shouldn’t have told someone already struggling with self esteem, abandonment issues and worried people hate them etc, that you shouldn’t have said that they’re frustrating and reinforcing the issues and leave me alone.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Why did you *feel the need* to tell me if frustrated you? Aka I’m frustrating?

@uwotm8 I did not say you frustrated me. I said that I felt frustrated. Parts of that feeling had to do with things in my real life. Parts had to do with not sleeping well.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie If I had wanted to say that you were frustrating and annoying, I would have said "you are frustrating and annoying". I didn't say that because that's not what I was thinking

I feel like I’m about to die from panic

@uwotm8 I’ve been there. Quick tip. Stop resisting the panic and anxiety. Let it be there for a few minutes. Notice it. Bring yourself back to the present moment. Is it cold in your room? What are your five senses noticing right now?

@DCM I notice I can’t bloody breathe like a normal person I don’t know what else you mean though I can’t think straight I get worse at work too I’m in a job that bullies me and I only accepted that job for my ex when I was with him at the time too cuz he wanted more money then he left me suddenly so I struggle everyday just functioning because I hate it here too

@DCM I’ve felt exactly how you felt before. What you describe happening with the end of your relationship is trauma and would be difficult for anyone. But it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. For me, I would be so busy in a relationship trying to prove that I am good enough or freaking out that this person would leave me, that I wasn’t very present in the relationship. I could be 25 in a good relationship and obsessing over a one night stand when I was 18. My black and white brain would say either everyone should want me or no one will want me. I get it. Here’s the thing. That’s BS. Please take comfort in knowing that you can relaim your life. I’m 32 with two kids and a pregnant wife, and I’m in recovery from ocd. There have been many many times before now that I thiugh death was my best option. It’s not. You can live the life you want to live. Get ERP therapy. Make that your number one priority.

@DCM For me I just think it happened unexpectedly so I must expect it all the time. Doesn’t help my partner’s ex is a fucking narcissistic cunt and tried to interfere too. Which resulted in my partner trying to call it off between us out of “fairness”

@uwotm8 All I want is to know he won’t leave me. that’s it. I’d be fine then. Just don’t fucking leave ke

all while women my age are getting married ?

I’ll fucking lose my mind

I want him I love him so so much I won’t be able to watch him be with anyone else I’d rather die

@uwotm8 What if you got dumped and you continued to live a long life. What would happen?

@DCM I really can’t see that happening. I wonder sometimes if I gave bpd or at least tendencies of it

@DCM To put it into context, I’m more afraid of being abandoned than I am of dying. Infact, I was diagnosed with high risk hpv ages ago and my only panic was “holy FUCK what if I give him warts? He will think I cheated and leave me” So I called FRANTIC l, but found out it’s only the high risk kind they test for in smear tests which is what causes cervical cancer, not warts and I actually breathed a sigh of relief I’m ashamed to say

@uwotm8 Regardless of your disorder, we all experience similar stuff. 24 year old me was a drunk compulsive sex addict who hated himself. I’m so glad I didn’t give up on life and that I found therapy. I’ve always known I was enough, but my brain would tell me I was wrong. Therapy reprograms your brain.

@uwotm8 HPV is super common. I’ve obsessed over that and any other number of possible STDs/STIs before.

@DCM Yeah, I know. My point is, I’m more scared of him leaving me because of how I thought it would provide him a reason to leave me - I saw a breakup sign in that hpv, and that was more of a concern to me than me potentially having cervical cancer from the hpv

@uwotm8 Which I still need checking this year actually but I’m still only concerned still with what if I have always had STDs from before him and then he thinks I cheated and leaves me I am anxious to get my next smear test just so I can get more STD tests again

@uwotm8 Everything you are talking about here is treatable with ERP specialist. Have you reached out to a therapist?

@DCM I tried to through my gp but when I got to therapy realised it’s just counselling

I don’t unfortunately

@uwotm8 https://iocdf.org/ocd-finding-help/find-help/

I’m not from America but Thankyou for your recommendations anyway

Thank you I feel beyond help at this point but I don’t want to feel like that