Also: was trying to help my friend with rocd, and he kept saying but mine could really happen, we could break up. And I started to doubt myself with HOCD. I know anything is possible, and I recommended this app to him.

I didn’t reassure him by saying it was in fact OCD. What I told him was to address his ocd first and worry about the relationship later.

Also, to be clear, I haven’t seen anywhere that a truly gay person can have ocd where they fear they are gay. That doesn’t stop me from trying to fight my fear of uncertainty, but I don’t think that point is valid

@Immorethanocd Ok so what was it that you meant when you say you "started to doubt your HOCD"? You started to doubt whether you have it or are gay and in denial again? Because thats the fear where you need to accept the possibility that it's true and move on from, rather than deciding for a while that you're straight so you stop obsessing until something happens or you remember something which hooks you back into worrying again. It's good if you don't give a fuck if it's true or not. And it's good if you were able to have the worry and then you didn't obsess about it. Really good actually. Any fear can be true though. Somebody with an OCD fear of having left the stove on might have actually left the stove on, somebody with a fear whenever they drink that they said something rude when they were drunk might actually say something rude while they're drunk. A gay person who doesn't want to be gay could get OCD trying to work out for sure whether he is or isn't gay. If it's a fear, it can become OCD.

@Immorethanocd Internet: "The common element that unites these seemingly opposite sexual obsessions is the fear of being attracted to something unwanted, taboo, or “unacceptable” based on one’s particular worldview.". So long as there is a reason to fear it, it can become OCD.

@Louw I agree with you, but I also have to disagree in terms of contents of the thoughts. Maybe I’ve just reached some clarity with mine where I no longer feel like it’s close to questioning or what, but I don’t think the obsessive thoughts would look the same. You are right though, I’m sure it’s happened before, but I’ve found my own way to sort through mine vs ocd of a gay person afraid to be gay. I’m starting to not care, it is nice! This all happened because my ocd friend basically used him case to try to prove to me mine was real and as much as I want to say I’m healed and it’s great and my relationship is business as usual, I guess this was a good test to see that to some extent there is still a trigger there. I’m trying to fight it. Is it a compulsion if I say to myself even if you’re gay you can still stay with your boyfriend?

@Immorethanocd The obsessive thoughts would look the same. A gay person who doesn't want to be gay and gets OCD about trying to figure it out because he is afraid of that outcome is going to have the same obsessive thoughts and compulsions as a straight person in the same situation. Unfortunately queerness might come with dress sense but it doesn't come with immunity to getting OCD about something you fear. Hence, unwise to "find my own way to sort through mine Vs OCD of a gay person afraid to be gay". That's trying to cure OCD with self-reassurance. Not acceptance. I'm not sure about whether saying that to yourself is a compulsion, actually. It's probably pretty healthy to remind yourself that whatever fears might or might not be true, your life and your decisions are yours to control and if you enjoy being with your boyfriend and you want to stay with him then you can. No amount of worries or feelings can take away your right and ability to choose what you want for your life. I think if that helps you and makes the "consequences" of the fear less so that you can function better, you should stick with it. I reassure myself about consequences using stoicism which talks a lot about how if everything goes wrong and is taken away from you, you'll still have certain things like control of how you treat others and you would survive. It's very comforting.

@Louw I see your point. I guess I thought I was helping myself but the intense anxiety i feel reading what you wrote and the sudden anger I feel definitely says otherwise. Weird to think I was just feeling so much progress. Do you ever feel like with your own ocd that if you stop worrying it will come true? I get what you’re saying, my obsessions have always revolves around losing my boyfriend (HOCD, ROCD, cheating), and you’re right, I 100% could break up with him. And I guess that’s what I should be fighting against. Not sexual fluidity or whatever I truly “am”. Especially with how fucked the world is right now, I wish this could go away so I could enjoy this relationships

@Immorethanocd I don’t want to teeter on reassurance but I do want to say this: I think it is important to recognize sexuality as a spectrum is a thing for HOCD sufferers content with believing in black and white sexuality-however, it’s definitely been useful for me to ride that gray area and work on not defining rather than trying to fight my thoughts by saying I am gay

@Immorethanocd To be honest I was deliberately triggering you, even though what I said is true, in the hopes that you'd say what you just did. Your awareness of your own emotions is really excellent to notice how you felt and not immediately take your doubt as meaning the fear is true either. I've done the exact same thing more times than I can count of settling on a conclusion about my fears and then refusing to think about it and referring all my triggers back to it saying to myself "I already figured this out and I'm not going to go over it again". It does actually work to an extent, it really cuts down on the ruminating and gives me some distance from the topic. But I know from experience that the relief from it doesn't last forever. However, it can be a place to start from so long as I keep working on acceptance afterwards. It reduces compulsions and then as I get distance from it I start to realise the fear wasn't so important and that I could handle it either way so maybe I don't need to know, I just need to live. I ALWAYS have the fear that if I stop worrying it will come true. It feels like my rumination keeps me safe and equips me better to prevent bad things from happening. Again, getting time away from the ruminating and analysing can give me the distance at least to begin to see that it didnt happen or come true while I was taking that break from worrying. It seems like you getting a break as done that for you, too. You're already more clearly able to see that what you "are" or aren't doesn't have to dictate your choices. You realised that on your own, I think. Keep it up.

@Immorethanocd Sexuality is, as you said, a fluid thing, with a lot of grey areas. It changes over time, hell it even changes a lot for women based on their ovulation. In Roman times there wasn't even such things as a defined sexuality, which suggests that it's a societal construct. I have friends who identify as pansexual in recognition of that and they simply date whoever they want and live their lives.

@Louw Thank you, sometimes honestly it takes tough love to really lean in to actively working against thoughts. I think it’s really easy to be content with constantly reassuring yourself, and I’m thankful for your help

@Louw Agreed with the sexuality thing. My therapist kept noticing how when I talked about my fears I kept saying things like “I like men but I can be turned on by boobs” and she was like okay replace all the buts in your statement with and and honestly that’s been really inspiring me

@Immorethanocd Leaning in is such a great way to describe it, I can see you're well on your way. Well don't mention it! I actually put it in my profile that I can be extremely blunt and tough-love-y. If I step out of line, I won't get mad at you if you tell me

@Louw No, this was great! I’m about to have movie night with my boyfriend and I needed a reminder to keep fighting