Can someone please talk with me I'm spiraling

I have hocd and I was watching a movie and saw this girl and all of a sudden I got this thought am I attracted to her? Then I got weird feelings in my chest and whenever I saw her they kept on happening. Then I couldn't take how real it felt so I checked and now I can't stop checking and it feels like I'm aroused and like it and want to think of her even though I don't! I'm so angry and frustrated and sad all at the same time. I just want to sob. I want it to stop i don't want to think of women only guys but that won't ever happen. I don't want to be bisexual. I just want it all to end but it never will.

@Lina Ok so trigger: attractive girl, intrusive thought: am I attracted to her?, compulsions: checking the feelings in your body and interpreting anxiety as arousal. You're right that you're not going to ever be able to control having thoughts like "she looks good" or "am I attracted to her" (although these reduce once OCD is treated). All you're ever going to be able to control is your checking compulsions, so I think a good idea for you could be to do some research about ways to sit with and cope with questions and anxieties without checking or analysing or trying to get rid of them. Another thing I would recommend looking at, because ihateocd seems to have made some great progress with it, is your black and white feelings around sexuality. That would include: recognising that one of the reasons you're never going to get a 100% answer about your sexuality is because sexuality is a construct (didn't even exist as a concept in Roman times, people just had sex with whoever they fancied, so there's no reason that attraction to a female would have to be some sort of catastrophe if you had some), and noticing that if you have pieces of evidence for the "gay" side and the "straight" side then in order to accept one side as ultimate truth you'd have to somehow make the other side meaningless and good luck with THAT lol, as well as drawing the distinction between "what you are" and the choices you make (aka, it doesn't matter if a girl looks good to you sometimes, you can still date guys, you're in charge of your own life). She described that one idea which has really started to change her black and white thinking about HOCD was that instead of saying "I'm attracted to men but sometimes boobs turn me on" and letting that turn into a mental disaster, saying "I'm attracted to men AND sometimes boobs turn me on". One part doesn't have to mean the other part is wrong, liking boobs sometimes doesn't mean you can't date or marry men. Unless you have been raised in an environment which is extremely intolerant of homosexuality and you actually believe that stuff, your reaction of needing to push away and react to any suggestion of the possibility of finding any women attractive ever, is kind of overkill. Having an attraction to someone the same sex or noticing attractive things about them doesn't "make you gay". You say you want to think of her (OCD wants to think of her in order to try to find answers from it) but you don't actually want to. If you can give up the need for an answer because you no longer think that an attraction would say something about your sexuality and therefore somehow about your entire life and identity, then you won't have the distressing urges to think about women and think of memories and go over it in your head when the truth is you would rather just get on with your life. It would probably be helpful for you if you can explore all the consequences and things you are attaching to the idea of having any attraction to a woman or any lesbian activities. You could make a list. Like for example: If I genuinely found the girl on TV attractive then that would mean: I'm definitely gay or bisexual I won't get to marry a man or get the social status which comes with being a perfect Instagram couple Some of my friends or family will hate me or talk about me or laugh at me I'll have to "come out" even though I hate attention I could be bullied or discriminated against I'll get depressed I'll lose my family and friends I'll lose my job I'll die alone in a hole Well, if I was going to die alone in a hole if I found a girl on TV attractive, I'd be panicking and always on the lookout to reassure myself too. Hopefully you can see from this that you are attaching way way WAY too much meaning to small things, when the reality is that if you just noticed the girl looks nice and didn't check for feelings or do the other compulsions which are responding to your fear and shame, you would be able to just carry on living whatever life you want. Sometimes when we really work out where our OCD fears are going, they really can get as silly as that list. Sometimes I think I'm inevitably going to go to jail for chrissakes. It can be helpful to see what horrible dark depths your fear is really leading to you, because then you can work on assessing both the way that your list of consequences isn't realistic, and looking at those core fears and seeing if they are actually at all likely, and also whether you actually might be able to handle them. There may also be trauma attached in there, like if you had an experience of being accused of being gay, or if you did homosexual stuff as a child and were afraid of being found out because you knew you weren't supposed to and that shame and fear has taken hold of you. I'm not SAYING that you aren't straight as a rod. I'm not you, I can't even guess at it. But you can reduce the importance of the thoughts by working out where your logic is flawed in all these places: the unrealisticness of your list of dire consequences, black and white ideas that a gay feeling would mean you lose your ability to make choices about your life, and the idea that if you can't control your passing thoughts or feelings then you can't control your actions or your life. Why all this emphasis on "being" something when it's what you DO which decides what your life looks like?

@Louw And right now what you're doing is crying because you saw an attractive girl on TV. That's not a life. You're in charge of your life, not whatever OCD tells you about your sexuality. You can like the TV girl's boobs without it meaning you're going to grab all your female friends' boobs. Nothing's going to happen. It's just a thought, it doesn't say anything about you. You're in charge.

@Louw Sorry actually the user with good progress from relaxing her black and white thinking in HOCD was called "immorethanocd".

@Louw I appreciate all this advice. The problem is I don't know why it would bother me so much if I was bi. Maybe many reasons, maybe a few. I wish I knew. I can't get therapy right now cause the therapist hasn't gotten back with me and I don't even know if I be able to see for a while cuz of this whole coronavirus thing. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual I know that. My sister is pansexual and I love her completely. My parents and family are supportive of gay rights except a few but I rarely if ever see them so it doesn't matter to me what they think. It is upsetting to me cause all I want to do is date a guy not a girl. I don't want to be attracted to women. I don't want to be with a women. But if I'm having these thoughts, feelings, sensations, etc. Then that must mean I do. Also, I did things in my past (homosexual things), that I feel I have no choice but to be bisexual cause there is no explanation for it. Living a life knowing in my future, I could fall for a woman is fucking terrifying I don't want that but it could happen either way. I'm not trying to be alarming but it truly makes me not want to live anymore. I'm sick of this everyday. I'm sick of all of it. Please don't report me I won't do it cause I couldn't do that to my family. But who knows, maybe there will be no way out and I will. Like I'll hit a breaking point and there is no way to turn back. I hope that doesnt happen but the future doesn't look exciting it looks fucking miserable. I wish I could go back to my harm theme because at least then I knew I wouldn't harm myself or others. The very fact of that proves I'm bisexual as I don't know if I am or not. I just force myself to think of women sexually cuz it is better than not knowing at all.