I'm so freaked out rn. I had a stressful and exhausting day and the only thing I wanted to do is to relax in my bed. I sleep in the same room with my brother and this room is the only place in the world where I feel at least a bit of SAFETY. My brother keeps talking out from the locker things that trigger my ocd. (over the years he has been noticing that I avoid "random" objects and now he wants to make fun of me I think). I have been already anxious these days bcs of the epidemic and now I'm scared af. I also feel that my head is gonna explode and oh, yeah I haven't slept well for days and I'm pretty sure this is also going to be a long night fighting my own thoughts... What should I do? : (

U've just described my life rn lol. Can u read minds or something? I can show u my notebook: It has more erase marks than letters. I was also very hard to get rid of useless stuff, keeping old pens and pencils in my pencil case etc. I've just got thrown out of highschool bcs I couldn't write anything anymore and also skipping class. Walking on the street (yes, walkin on the freaking street, fml) is so hard for me cause I'm always aware that I'm "picking up" my leg everytime I make a step. My school is about 20 mins away by foot, but it takes me more than an hour... and on the top of that I live in Germany where having ok grades in highschool is tough even for normal people. Thank u so much for understanding me

I appreciate it. To be honest, I have been to therapy only as a kid bcs I was washing my hands excessively back then. The therapist thought it's just a childish germophobia that will go away eventually. And it did. I mean the symptoms were gone after a while and ofc I didn't continue to go to therapy. Over time my ocd has been internalizing more and more and became more mental than physical if that makes any sense. Now I'm very scared to even tell anyone that I actually have ocd bcs I have been pretending, lying and faking it for so freakin long. In fact, no one knows about it. So yeah, no therapist and no medication

Those nights are always hard im so sorry:( what is the focus of your thoughts?

Thats actually interesting bc i use to have very severe rocd, scupulosity, and forbidden thoughts, and I have contamination ocd so im right there with you, and i know its not a good combination wow trust me I get it and its paralyzing. What are u having more trouble w rn or is it pretty even?

I know exactly what you mean with the typing. I used to take literally forever texting and it made me so anxious. Im not exactly sure about pronouncing some words but I used to be afraid to say certain things or really anything to people bc i was afraid of something bad happening or my bad thought being true if i had one while i was talking somebody and if i continued talking while having that bad thought then i would think that thought was true and or something bad would then happen to me or somebody else. Sometime i would just not talk to avoid it

It makes sense to me what ur describing

Like if u have a bad tought while talking to someone u hav to repeat what u said while forcing your mind to think of something good... Being scared to go in certain places... afraid that your thoughts hav an effect on the outside world...

Same professional pretender too lol:) but it would happen to me when i would talk or when i was typing, writing, and most of all it consumed my life bc i would do it every single time I would pick something up. This meant it would take me FOREVER to do anything. Picking up a pencil made me so anxious and it took so much time. Then after picking up the pencil i would have to write for my homework.. each letter made me anxious. Erase marks everywhere and it was written so light and u could barely see it. Schoolwork was so hard for me that i was failing pretty much every class and had a 1.5 gpa. I could pick up anything like clothes, remotes, literally anything. I was paralyzed, depressed, and severely anxious

I know exactly how you feel:( im with you

When I read that it breaks my heart... it makes me feel so better to hear that u understand it too. Wow when u said that u have to repeat what u say while forcing ur mi d to think of something good in order to carry out the sentence or action.. like literally the story of my life. Have you been to any sort of therapy, for how long and has it helped at all? Again thats so incredibly heartbreaking what u had to go through, u didnt deserve at ALL to have bad grades and have to drop out.. i really honestly so happy that i get to talk to u about this, iim here for u, even to listen bc ive been there with u going through that heart wrenching place

O wow yeah thats definitely way to stressful for somebody to have to deal with. Before I ever got help with those thoughts i thought i was completely crazy and didnt want anybody to know about it. My parents after so so so long decided to send me to a therapist bc of my hand washing, even tho that was NOTHING compared to the mental ocd me and u were just talking about. I think they thought that my hand washing was the why it took me so long to do anything idk to be honest. Either way they drf didnt know the extent to what i was dealing with. But i went to therapy and told my therapist how i had these crazy thoughts and i thought i sounded bizarre but she was so kind and just listened and was patient and UNDERSTOOD me,which never happened to me til then. It can be so scary thinking u have to go again, and some days youll convince urself that itll be fine u dont need to go... but once you go itll change ur life. Youll mess up bc thats expected! BBut wow u will finally get to hear somebody understand u and not treat u like ir crazy bc they know its ocd, not u. After so much pain, suffering and hurt, u owe it to urself to go