I noticed I catch myself ruminating, and thinking about everything wrong or negative that has happened in the past. And it's causing me to feel so down and horrible inside. On top of that obsessing and having so much fear about my ocd topics is draining me so bad. Imatinib this point its almost like my mind is trained to keep me miserable, and trapped and feeling like there is no escape, it's torture.

I have been getting treatment and I feel like I'm sort of stuck with my ERPs. Like OCD has consumed my mind so much to the point where I find myself frozen. Like even when doing ERP, I still get intrusive thoughts my entire day. I feel like my mind is more OCD thoughts than even my own happy thoughts. I'm trying to train myself to go back to me being me, but not sure how to do that.

@isssss93 Well, rumination is a compulsion and although it can cause crazy anxiety, you don't have to follow those thoughts. But perhaps you are to the point with OCD treatment where it's time to really address some of the underlying themes and beliefs which fuel the thoughts. I've found a therapist who is doing that work with me to do self-compassion work (you don't have to love yourself right away, you just have to tolerate yourself and build up the same kindness you give to others bit by bit) and look at the roots of when and why in my life I started to feel that I was a bad person or deserve blame. I think that's going to be the part which stops the thoughts and fears coming up so much. Often the fears and rumination are worst-case-scenarios which are also worth going through to their conclusions just to find out what the root fear is (such as being helpless, dying, being judged or being a bad person) so those can be explored. And one other idea which could help is to try thought replacement of negative things from the past with good moments which counteract the feelings from those past events. Like if they make you feel helpless or victimised, replacing with times when you were strong, or if they make you feel guilt, remembering times that your flaws were seen or you made mistakes and were still given love and kindness. Hopefully you can do these things, ERP is the gold standard for OCD but I think a lot of the time there can be trauma or CPTSD or long standing negative beliefs which keep the cycle going- I'm very blessed to have the therapist I do who specialises in OCD and trauma work so she does parts therapy, EMDR, compassion work and ERP as needed. Today she had me think of 3 people who characterise wisdom, protection and nurturing for me, so that I can imagine what they might say to me at points during therapy. I already used to think of what my close and very compassionate friend would say to me at times I feel bad and didn't know how to be kind to myself and it helped a huge amount. Maybe you could try it out? Keep at it, I'm confident you're not going to be in this position forever.

@isssss93 Oh- the 3 people don't have to be real people at all. I chose Richard Feynman for wisdom, Winston Churchill for protection and Mrs Doubtfire for nurturing.