Advice corner: how can I get rid of the feeling that I’m betraying my boyfriend by being gay in denial HOCD, and just enjoy the relationship

Thank you. It really hurts too because these thoughts are making my fears a reality. I don’t like sex with my boyfriend because of how anxious I get.

@Immorethanocd Yes. You are giving them so much power and attention (which is OCD) that it’s taking away your present. It’s important to note what OCD takes away from us to give us the motivation to do the ERP. Every maybe hour or so just recall a thought that’s scary to you and let it bother you without questioning, googling, or whatever your obsession may be. Maybe When you feel a bit more brave, do some writing about scripts that consider your worst fears coming to life and read them. Over time , you will be able to say to your thoughts that pop up “maybe that’s a possibility OCD, and you can stick around, but I’m going to take a risk and enjoy the moment with my boyfriend right now.”

@nikol Thank you. What’s holding me back is how anxious I know it will make me. I’m afraid if I let the thoughts be then my fear will come true, I will be gay and I’ll never have good sex with my boyfriend and our relationship is doomed. I guess this is just my brain

@Immorethanocd Well then let me ask you- has what your doing now been working and helping you feel better/find an answer?

@nikol I just keep relying on reassurance but of course it’s short lived.

@Immorethanocd I really haven’t gotten good at any other coping strategy and it hurts so much because I really really do not want to lose my relationship and I deserve so badly a good sex life. But I’ve had HOCD for the whole relationship and god it sucks. I’m ready to commit to a cure

Lol that’s so true. The more I try to calm myself down the deeper I dig to find other “evidence” to fuel my ocd. It’s so bizarre. To just want to be with someone so badly and have a good relationship with them but also have this irrational fear that it’s doomed beyond your control. I really hate it.

@Immorethanocd Ocd likes to put us in a rabbit hole and doubt the things that mean the most to us. You value this relationship & ocd is feeding off of your fear. I wish it were easier but the only way out is through!

@nikol Do you have any suggestions if some of this is based on real life events? Like I have been turned on by the female body, which adds to the fear

@Immorethanocd OCD feeds off of the fact of finding “evidence.” There’s really no such thing as proof, and the book I suggested talks about accepting uncertainty. As tough as it is, Don’t dig or analyze the events. Maybe they mean something, maybe they don’t. Either way you’re going to try and live your life the way you value it and have been.

@nikol ❤️thank you. It’s so hard when the consequences seem awful; you’ve really been great

@nikol I think almost everyone with HOCD or probably OCD in general uses so called “evidence” and over exaggerates things normal people would never over analyze. that just keeps OCD going and going and the only way to break that is to completely stop the analyzing/reassuring and accepting the POSSIBILITY that it MIGHT be true but you’re going to live your life the way you want to. Ocd can’t make you do anything you will always have your actions.

@nikol I think you’re probably right about that. It has no bearing on my relationship no matter what’s “true” or what’s not

@Immorethanocd Exactly. That book along with starting therapy with an OCD specialist have really shown me a lot. I only started therapy not even a month ago and bought that book last week and already feel like I have a good control over my OCD. Not perfect and a LOT to work on, but definitely able to brush thoughts off, live in the present more, and do ERP without being terrified. There’s hope!

@nikol Thank you❤️ I’ll do my best going forward

Thank you, I’ll be ordering that book and am currently looking into therapy!