I want to start having kids. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years and I think it would be perfect to start trying this year (probably once this corona business is over) but I am scared for some many reasons. -will I be a good mom/stable mom? -will I make good parental decisions? -will I feel excitement or will I be emotionless? -will my intrusive thoughts take me away from the moments? -will I be able to handle it with my mental health? SO MANY questions I ask myself. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. So I feel like holding off having kids because I don’t want the experience to be tainted by my ocd ?

It's up to you. Whilst you shouldn't let OCD fears make decisions about your life which displace your values, OCD in reality can make parenting very difficult. Not everyone should be a parent- my mother has OCD and PTSD and it made her very, very bad at parenting, it was quite traumatising to grow up with. Now I am in her position of having both PTSD and OCD. I feel aware enough of my own difficulties that although I love nurturing, I wouldn't make a good enough parent right now or at any time before I am very stable and have excellent support structures. At the moment I can barely look after myself, let alone a child. I can be a great, supportive, validating "auntie" and have a positive impact on the lives of children of my siblings or friends. And can foster/adopt at any age in the future. If it's something you have a deep desire for, you should stick with both having kids and being a good parent as your values, and set up what you need to beforehand as well as consistently during it (ongoing therapy, support network, stable on meds, a responsible, healthy, available partner, suitable crisis plans etc). Best case scenario, parenting can bring out strengths in you which you didn't even know you had, and give you the motivation to thrive. You just need to be healthy and supported in it.

I relate so much with your concerns. I’m not married but throughout life I’ve imagined having a family of my own. Before I didn’t think too much about it, just that it would be fun and beautiful. Ever since my onset really happened it’s been related to the concerns you are describing, especially the last two. I’m afraid that what if it ruins my mental health or if I develop postpartum depression? What if I start getting horrible instrusive thoughts about my children? My major theme I’ve been dealing with has been suicidal OCD, so then I get thoughts like what if that gets worse after children? What if it gets so bad I end up killing my self and my children will be scarred and have no mother? There’s so many questions you’re right. However I don’t think it always has to be like that. I also think we are all a lot stronger than we think we are. As long as we know the tools to combat our OCD and keep practicing it, it will become less and less. And if we ever get moments where it starts to rise up again, we know what to do. I wish you peace of mind and happiness as you and your husband start your family ?