I really need help please-Porn-Inflated sense of responsibility- I had a memory today of when I used to watch porn (I haven't watched it in 2 years so this is from a few years ago). I remember seeing the start of a video I had clicked on, of a british guy who I think produced his own films in other countries and he was saying creepy things to the woman in the video, I cant remember his exact words but it was definately creepy and he was joking about how she looked young. I keep trying check my memory of what exactly he said but I cant be sure. This video was on a mainstream website ( x videos) and that website is a safe website and complies with rules/regulations from what I know. I remember thinking "ew he is creepy" and then clicking away and onto a different video (I didnt really have this type of OCD now) so it never bothered me at the time . But now I'm thinking, what if he was a creep and I should have reported that video to the site for them to check him out as he was producing his own films and everything and uploading them onto pornsites. What if he was doing something wrong? I feel an inflated sense of responsibility and I dont know how to stop feeling guilty over it even though it probably isnt my responsibility to even worry about this as I was on a safe site that lots of people use everyday, and millions of people view the same videos so if he was a creep then someone will have reported him surely or the site surely has some regulations that must be followed before an upload. I'm thinking so deeply into this and I cannot stop ruminating over it. I'm sure my brain is making it a much bigger deal than it actually is though I cant see it that way. How can I get over this effectively? :( I'm so sick of living like this... Please help, I've been struggling with this thought all day.

But I feel like it does matter :( I cant stop ruminating over it because I feel that I should have reported the video just in case. Maybe he wasnt a creep, or maybe he was but I feel that just to be safe I should have flagged the video for the site to check him. I dont know why I didnt, I guess back then I didnt think much of things like that because I wasnt always worried about protecting everybody. Now I feel that its it's my responsibility to protect everyone and everything, every animal or human. I hate feeling overly responsible all the time.

But I cant help but feel that it does deserve my time Katie:(. I even have the urge to go back onto x videos, type in as many search terms as I can think of to see if the guy still posts videos and flag his stuff if I can find him (doubt I will, I have little memory of this) But I know that's absolutely ridiculous, first of all I avoid all porn sites And have done for a long time now so idek what I would be looking for and I dont want to even want to do that anyway and thirdly, I know that would be a compulsion on my part and it will just dig a deeper hole. I'm so sick and tired of feeling like I am bad person all the time. All I want is to protect everyone and everything and I know I cant do that and I want my brain to stop showing me things where I'm failing or have failed to do that in the past :(

@MJocd You cannot change that feeling if you act as if it is reasonable

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yeh you're right. Its completely unreasonable. It really is an unreasonable extent to go to for a vague memory that has randomly popped up. I just need to accept I cant help everyone and I cant always be on the lookout for danger, it's not my Responsibility even though it feels like it is.

Reassurance is harmful.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/reassurance-how-it-prevents-recovery/

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Sorry should have chosen my words better- I'm new at trying to help others with my condition.

@LeeLondon It's ok. It's a learning process. :) It feels unnatural at first to not try to make other people feel better immediately. It's not how most of us are socialized

I was thinking the same, that he may have just been playing his character. Porn is weird like that and it may have just been acting on his part. I am not sure why I care so much, I know its not my responsibility to care about something several years it happened. I was also on a safe website that I'm sure regulates everything. I dont even know why the memory popped up and I cant even tell if I remember it correctly. I just feel that I should have flagged it just in case. And I feel bad for not doing so, I fear it makes me an immoral person for not flagging it for the site to check him out. :(

@MJocd MJocd, I REALLY recommend not having any more long conversations about your thoughts. You've tried this strategy more than enough times to know that it doesn't help long term. Seeking conversations about your obsessions has become a compulsion. You cannot teach your brain that the thoughts are unimportant if you act like they are important by talking about them again and again

@NOCD Advocate - Katie You're probably right Katie, I've debated and talked to myself in my head long enough about these thoughts and now I'm just doing it with others who may understand my struggles. My brain believes this is all very important even though it's a vague memory I cant prove or disprove anyway.

@MJocd Right. Anyway, if you need more motivation to stop the conversations compulsion, you can remember that participating in your compulsions with you also harms the person you're talking with, especially if they have the same type of symptoms. Whenever we include other people in compulsions, we hurt both them and us

@NOCD Advocate - Katie That makes me feel worse :( I dont want to harm anyone at all through my actions. That's the core of where my OCD lies. :(

@MJocd I know you don't. It's clear you care deeply about others. I don't say it because I want you to feel worse. I say it because you deserve to have accurate information to make decisions with

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Alright, I understand thankyou. I agree, whenever I used to converse with people who had the same or similar fears, neither of us would be clearer at the end of the conversation. I guess it is harmful :( I already feel worse for how many hours I've had this thought in my head. I will try to shift my focus now because I just cant keep circling a thought over and over in my head that I cant even do anything about. It's not I'm going to magically feel like I'm not to blame or responsible even though rationally I know I'm not. What an absolute mindF*** ocd is!! :(

@MJocd We have to do counterintuitive things to get well

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yeh you're right. I think im going to delete this post because I know I'm reading it for reassurance. "If they're saying I'm not at fault then surely I'm not at fault" etc etc. Ugh. I just need to stop.

@MJocd Katie is not probably right. She is right. I know it’s hard to accept but just try. Try to live with it.

@Viva Trying to live with the fact I might be a terrible person :( it's really hard. But I'll try. :( I'm actually so sick of this. I'm so sick of it now. I'm so tired from ocd :(

@MJocd Can you see a difference between being an imperfect person and a terrible person? It sounds like you're having some all or nothing thinking

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I do suffer badly with all or nothing thinking but I dont know how to overcome that. I always imagine what a good person would have done in the same situation, but then I think a good person wouldn't even watch porn so theres no chance of them even coming across a situation where they may want to flag something they may deem as inappropriate...so then that whole cycle of thinking begins. I'm sure I'm not a terrible person, I dont want anyone to say that I am that's for sure. That would be my biggest fear come true. I know I probably fall into the middle l category of not Perfect but not evil either, but then how can I even be sure? Ugh.

@MJocd There's no exact ranking system. Knowing you're somewhere in the middle is good enough. If you can change the language you use, that might help

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Rationally I know I'm somewhere in the middle but my biggest fear would be that I'm deluding myself into thinking that and really I fall more into the "bad" category. Even though I know there arent actual categories -_- even tho my brain believes there are.

@MJocd I'm going to reach a point soon (I feel close to it) where I'm just going to think "whatever, I dont care anymore if I'm a good or bad person. I dont care If that person was a creep or not. Even if he was, what can I even do about it now? It's not my responsibility and it shouldn't be my responsibility either" because I'm getting super tired of the cyclical thoughts now. I think I'm just going to go draw in my sketch book and pretend I dont exist for awhile.

@MJocd So you can help your brain relax on the categories by refraining from using the extreme adjectives. Instead of labeling people and actions "good" or "bad" describe them using nouns and verbs. Say what happened, not what it means.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie That makes sense, I will try to put that into practise.

@MJocd Well the fact that u trying so hard to be a good person definitely makes u an awesome person. If only everybody were like u ...