I’ve struggled with this for a while and being in quarantine is only making it worse. I’ve had this specific fetish or kink for as long as I can remember. I know it’s weird and I wish I didn’t have it, but I’ve come to accept it. I have this thing about watching videos of women giving birth. I know this sounds disgusting and it killed me for years. Sometimes I’ll only watch ones from tv shows or movies because it’s fake. I sometimes feel guilty watching ones when a real person is in pain. I like the ones that are very painful. (Again, I know this makes me sound so strange. I would do anything to give it up.) One day, it occurred to me that a child giving birth would be even more painful and the idea of a bigger reaction is something I like. I still remember this realization like it was yesterday even though it happened over a year ago. I feel so disgusting and like a pedophile. I’m not looking for reassurance. I just don’t understand if this is more of an issue with sexuality and OCD is abusing the realization I had. Even though I had this realization that a child would give a bigger reaction, it has NEVER been something I want to look into more or try to find stories or videos (if they even exist?) It was a quick realization and it’s haunted me ever since. Advice would be appreciated. Again, not looking for reassurance. Just struggling with trying to identify where the issue lays because the initial realization was not really an intrusive thought. Thank you for reading all of this and I hope you are all healthy and well.

Kinkster here. I've heard weirder. I'm a masochist so I date men who, quite simply, like to hurt me, and fantasise about hurting me and other people. I don't morally judge them whatsoever. The brain likes what the brain likes, they're compassionate, lovely people with kinks I'm v happy to indulge. So long as it's safe, sane and consensual, kinks are kinks man. And they *usually* have taboo elements. I can see loads of the constituent parts of your initial one which are taboo: you like the pain, the helplessness, ownership and control if you like to imagine that you're the father, etc. All turn-ons and it's normal to want to ramp it all up and explore ways to do so. I see what you mean that the realisation wasn't an intrusive thought, just a thought. I still don't think it says anything about you. Seems like you're getting a sort of real event OCD over having a thought which you feel doesn't vibe with how you see yourself. That thought doesn't need to have been an intrusive one, the ones you're having since which are questioning and fearing what it might "mean" are intrusive and compulsive. You should treat those with ERP: coping with the anxiety of not seeking an answer to what this "means" about you. You don't need to know what it means. It literally doesn't matter. Thought crime isn't a thing. You're also at liberty to share this with other kinky people and I'm about 110% sure that they'd be able to share "worse" thoughts they've had and feel wierd about. You're in control of what you choose to do and you can choose not to assault any children. Problem solved. The fact that you've developed OCD about it doesn't mean anything and you don't have to find out if it does mean anything. You got OCD about it because it triggered uncertainty in an area which you have some black and white thinking about in several areas. Btw I'd absolutely not judge about you imagining ways to make it more extreme, even if they're taboo. They say dick all about whether you're going to assault a child or how important consent is to you. I've had "worse" thoughts I've had moments of mental conflict about. I like ageplay where I pretend to be a kid, I basically play through entire detailed child abuse scenarios as part of it in my head or with other people. I'm not hurting anyone. It doesn't mean I'm into kids, I just get off on the constituent parts of the scenario: power imbalance, nurturing, deviance, being taken advantage of, being controlled and pain. It doesn't "make me" a pedophile or anything else. Nor would it if I was an ageplayer who preferred to be the adult role and fantasises about it. I'd have nobody to ageplay with if I decided all daddy doms are secretly pedophiles and deserve to die. They don't hurt kids, they live normal, "moral" lives, they're not going to suddenly go completely out of character and assault a child one day. Nobody is telling us we need to put labels on stuff all the time other than our own OCD. I have a fetish known in Scandinavia as "Fritzl". Remember that guy? If you look up the details, it's pretty much allllll of that. Your private thoughts are your own. I'd recommend doing ERP when you get intrusive feelings of guilt or questions about this topic, by refusing to try to find answers and just staying with the anxiety and finding you can tolerate it being there. As with any OCD, it will go away over time, which will make it feel less urgent and help you to realist that you don't need an answer. I alsor recommend connecting with people in the link community to help you feel less isolated and shameful about having kinks. I think your kink is kinda hot, not disgusting and shameful. The rest of us kinky people out there aren't in it to judge you, and we're not morally defunct people. We're largely kind, smart, patient, resilient, open minded and considerate.