I've talked about real life ocd before but not in detail and I really need to get this off my chest. I've been obsessing over this for 8 years, maybe longer. I was about 10 or so, and had watched some adult films I saw online. I was very curious with my sexuality at that age, I'm not sure why, but I think that's why I did what I did. Me and my younger sister would "play doctor" with each other, where each person would look at the other's genital and laugh about funny they looked. This happened a few times, we never touched each other except once, when I was curious I told her to guess which body part of me she was touching and put her hand on my breast, stomach, arm etc but not my genitals. I think it was innocent, and I think I saw it on an adult film so I thought it was normal, but I feel terrible about it because I put her hand there, and I did it again while she was sleeping because I thought it was funny or something. I feel absolutely terrible about all of this, and have even confessed what happened to my sister, who said that she remembers nothing about these incidents and would like to never talk of it again but I want to keep bringing it up because I need that reassurance that what I did was childhood curiosity, and not that I assaulted her. Did I though? Am I a bad person because of this? Could I go to jail for this?

Thank you!! You've helped a lot :) it feels good just to get it off my chest

@worryqueen Glad to hear I’ve helped. Can I ask you for a bit of advice as well, if you have any? It’s a bit of a long explanation but here it goes. So I worked as an office manager for about 2 1/2 years and my older sister talked me into quitting and doing life insurance sales with her. I started doing it part time last July and I finally quit my office manger job and went full time with insurance in the beginning of March. It’s a very lucrative business - you get leads and go door to door of people who have requested you - but it’s mostly seniors and they might have requested it anywhere between weeks to five years ago (so they don’t always remember they asked and you can sometimes get yelled at for showing up at their door). Anyway I did it for the first half of March and when they started talking about self quarantining and how this virus affects the elderly (most of my leads are 65+) I didn’t feel right about going door to door anymore. A lot of agents still do it bc we are considered “essential” and this job is considered self employed because you can work as much or as little as you want to. Anyways, I mainly only liked the job for the money, it’s not always easy but now, since mid March, I’ve had to start working from home. (Imagine trying to sell life insurance over the phone or trying to get a senior to understand zoom and e-sign a policy with this email). I’ve barely worked since mid-March. I feel guilty about not working but I DONT want to sell over the phone. Now I’m looking at other jobs and I’m just so stressed out and i havent slept much in the past week. I don’t know if I’m giving up too early or if this just isn’t for me. I’m at my wits end and it’s causing me to be depressed and I cry all the time. I just don’t know what to do. I’m sorry for the novel, I just need an outsiders unbiased opinion.

@Meg02 If you're not working, is there any way you can file for unemployment for the time being? If you don't think the job is working out full time, and it does sound very stressful, it wouldn't hurt to go back to part time, at least amongst everything go on. The pandemic has put stress on a lot of businesses, and so it can be hard to judge a job you're starting with full time during all this. If you truly do not want to do it anymore, though, then it's okay to quit. And it's okay to take your time. If you liked your office job more, is there any way to find something similar to that in your area again?

@worryqueen I’m not sure if I can file for unemployment since you have to get the okay from your employer if you’ve been temporarily let go. I mean I’m self employed but I’m technically contracted with an IMO. I can still work full time but it would be telephone sales since I refuse to go into peoples houses right now. I think I’m scared I’ll get someone on the phone that can’t esign and I’ll have to go to them and possibly get sick or get them sick. It’s a very confusing time. I’m not so sure I enjoyed the job when I could go door to door anyway, but not knowing how long this pandemic will last I can’t really just wait it out and not sell over the phone or work at all. I’m torn between not wanting to work and not wanting to let my sister down. I know she already thinks I’m crazy for not wanting to go door to door. I feel trapped, maybe I’m just wanting someone to tell me to quit bc that’s what I want?? I really don’t know but the indecision is eating me up inside. To be honest I think I need the routine of going to an office and leaving my work at my job every day. Making my own schedule and having everything be so up in the air is very hard for my OCD.

@Meg02 I’m worried that my sister will think I’m weak for not sticking it out, we had different moms so we didn’t really grow up together and this job has given us a way to kind of get to know each other I guess. It is crazy money but if you get good at it then it’s like you work all the time. If you’re not “in the field” all the time as a manager then you are answering phone calls to help other agents or seniors. They joke that you never really get a vacation in this business and good money or not I just don’t know if I want to put in that time commitment.

@Meg02 If the only reason you dont want to leave is because of your sister, you should probably quit. It's putting more stress on you than necessary, and making you overthink. If it was something you actually like doing it would be different, but I understand what you mean. Being self employed is difficult, especially when you have the extra weight of mental health issues. I'm sure if you tell your sister exactly what you've told me, she'd understand. Theres always different ways to bond together where both of you are happy, and not just one.

@worryqueen Thank you, that helps. I think honestly, I know what I need to do. It’s just hard to talk myself into doing it. The alternative is continuing to just not work and being afraid that every time I get a text it will be her asking “are you working today”

@Meg02 It can be hard to build up that courage, but just remember that in the end, this is your life and your happiness, and you dont owe it to anyone to get rid of it.

Honey, you were 10, no judgement here at all. We all do crazy things when we are younger, children are still learning what’s right and wrong. The important thing is you know it now, if you were a “bad person” then you probably wouldn’t feel the remorse that you feel. You didn’t know what you were doing and therefore it wasn’t meant in a harmful way. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe the thought is back again because this lockdown we are in forces us to sit alone with our thoughts more often than we are used to. For us overthinkers it can be torture.

@Meg02 I know, but some part me says that I knew it was wrong, that I'm disgusting because of it etc. Usually I can brush it off and put it all to the back of my mind, but yes, recently it's been worse because of staying inside so long. I'm just afraid that if I told someone else about this, like a friend, or a possible girlfriend in the future, would I be able to? Should I? Will people think I'm disgusting and a sexual abuser?

@worryqueen That’s the obsessive thoughts. If it’s bothering you this much then I would try to talk to a therapist via video chat maybe? I don’t want to say that you shouldn’t tell a friend or possible girl friend in the future, because that implies that you did a bad thing. However, this is something you did as a child that never really has to come up in my opinion, you’re only making a big deal of it in your mind. It’s obviously bothering you to the point you feel that you need to get it off your chest more. I still think it is a harmless child thing. It’s not like you were 18 forcing your much younger sibling to do things. It was a game to you at that age, you didn’t know better. For example, I had a younger boy cousin that had a crush on me when we were younger. He used to stay over and hug me at night and say he was “having sex with his wife”. He didn’t know what it meant. I mentioned it to my mom who mentioned it to his parents and they explained to him what sex was and that we were related. I don’t fault him for it, he was a kid and didn’t know what he was talking about. We have a good relationship

@Meg02 You're right, thank you. I might have to do that. I think the reason I'm so obsessed with it is because I dont want to think about it, I repress it instead of accept it for what it is. A childhood mistake. The only way I've tried to accept it before was admitting I was at fault and took adavatange of her. Because even if I didnt know what these acts meant, I knew it felt good, and that bothers me, I guess.