The workings of a mind during an episode of something I don’t even know. Writing it down helps just to stop from thinking so many things at once. Writing in a flow of thoughts but not focusing on something helps keep things together. No one cares. That’s my problem. It’s not like they don’t want to care, it’s just that no one can care as deeply about me as I need them to because they are to busy caring about themselves. That’s the worst part about this. I can’t ask someone to help me in the ways that I want to be helped because that wouldn’t be fair to them. But what I understand is not helping me to feel better. I want to feel strong enough to Handle this alone, but it hurts so bad sometimes I just want to give in. I feel like I’m stuck in a prison, doomed to always scare everyone away with my unnecessary craziness & irrational expectations. My sadness is something that will drive all of the ones I hold so dear so far away. They don’t know what to do to help me & it gets too tiring after a while to keep up with. The constant argument within my head about what I know is right and my understanding of my problems with the deep emotional actions I want to take is exhausting & so much harder than giving into the emotion. The worst part is the hate I have for all of it. I hate how I talk so much and have to share every little detail of every situation in order to feel right. I hate the constant diagnoses that go on in my head. I hate the definitions of OCD, ADHD, anxiety and depression that seem to run my life. I hate that I love every minute of my constant organizing to the point of being pointless. I hate that I can’t calm myself down when one small plan changes & my emotional response is so much greater than is warranted. I hate that I feel like I can never truly be loved by anyone other than myself. I hate that my expectations of myself and others are so high. I wish I could just forget to care about things. I wish I could allow another to be in charge every once in a while. I hate the guilt I feel after declining to take on another responsibility, or the guilt that comes with telling someone I need a break. I hate how I can’t ever seem to stop doing the things I say I’m not going to do. I hate how I need everything to slow down so much to the point where I feel like I’m lazy. I wish I could just explain all that’s in my head to another person, but again they could never care as much as I want them to care. But why do I care. I feel like things are so meaningful but so pointless. Im stuck in the middle of my desires and my feelings. Emotion is my greatest asset and my greatest weakness. I wonder what am I really doing? Why do I care about the future, but feel like I can only deal with the moment. Why do I despise that others can never know what I really feel, but never want to tell them. I hate myself but love myself so deeply that it becomes confusing. Where is my mind? Where is my mind?

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

If you know how you want to be helped, a useful technique used in therapy is to come up with people in your head who say and do the things you need. My therapist had me come up with people who exemplify nurturing, wisdom and protection for me. I picked Mrs Doubtfire, Richard Feynman and Winston Churchill. When I need one of those qualities, especially when I'm struggling or thinking of a bad memory, I imagine what they would say to me. Sharing details in order to be fully understood or for things to seem right is a compulsion. You can cope with the anxiety of mindfully deciding to not do that. You can also feel your emotional distress when a plan changes or something is out of order, without acting on it. Feelings deserve to be felt. The world won't end. You only have to take one step at a time. Feeling something doesn't mean that your fears will come true or that you'll accept your feelings as facts or act out badly on them. Same thing applies to forgiving others and guilt feelings. Hard to give compassion to others when you don't have any for yourself. Start with tolerating yourself, you don't have to love yourself off the bad. Consider that you might not be the worst person in the world. Imagine what a kind friend or Mrs Doubtfire or someone would say to you and try saying it to yourself. It's good that you assert yourself and say no to things even though it makes you feel guilty. You can survive feeling guilty even though it's not fair on you to have to feel it. Keep asserting yourself. Your wants and needs are important.

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

*off the bat

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