I'm so sick and tired of being in misery everyday my theme is in everything and ruins everyday for me. It is like a cold that nevers goes away and no matter how hard you try you can't ever get rid of it.

Oh that's interesting, I remember my autism support worker told me about the STOP thing. Sounds like you're so used to checking all the time it's something of an unconscious habit. It's important to try to slow things down and separate out the urge to check your feelings and the act of doing it. It feels very weird and wobbly to get the urge and not act on it, but it does work. Try not to beat yourself up if you find that you've started to do a compulsion without realising. What happens when you notice you're checking and do the STOP thing? I'm curious about what the process of checking looks like for you and how long it takes. I suspect it involves some analysing and comparing and trying to squeeze out meanings which relate to your fear.

@Louw I don't honestly no anymore. I'm so exhausted and don't want to be on this planet anymore. I've emailed and called for therapy and everybody is busy or not doing it cuz of the pandemic. This one therapist I'm going to try to get in contact with but I don't think she is a specialist and the one place I emailed they haven't gotten back with me yet. I'm at my wits end. With my harm ocd I knew I didn't want to kill myself or harm others with my hocd I don't know if I like girls or not and that is fucking scary I don't want to accept the fact if I do or not I just want to know if I do or not. Now I feel like everyday the feelings sensations and everything is becoming more real and I'm gonna wake up one day and just know I'm bi im confused, scared, and lonely and ready to give up because it truly feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to look at a girl and be jealous of her again not feel like I'm attracted to her. Plus all the things I did in my past make me feel bisexual and girls who are bisexual themselves said this was all stuff they did. I want to fucking die but I can't kill myself cuz my family would suffer so im fucking trapped in an endless cycle of suffering and feeling like shit.

@Lina Because you're feeling so awful and trapped I'm going to just suggest one thing for now: could you give yourself a break for just a day? I believe that you can get on top of this and it's not going to be like this forever. But do you think that in the meantime just for the rest of the day, you can promise yourself that you'll figure it out tomorrow instead? You don't need to know today and I don't think anything is going to happen or come true if you give yourself the rest of the day off from needing to know. You're home now, right? You're safe, you're here in the present. Nothing can hurt you right now. The future isn't happening now, you don't need to make any decisions right now, and I just want you to try to give yourself the rest of today off.

@Louw Ok I will thank you