I keep forcing myself to think of my real event ocd and the incident that happened all those years ago but I feel like thinking about it just makes me more depressed and angry and I can barely be around the person it's centered on anymore. I want to cry. Why can't I convince myself what I did was the acts of a child? Not me, as an adult, but a child who had no idea what they were doing was bad. I know that's what it is, I know I'm not a criminal, or sex offender, but then why can't I forget it? I feel like telling the whole world just so they can yell in my face how stupid I am, how I really am a criminal, or how I'm innocent. I dont care. I need to know from everyone because why do I get to make the distinction between right and wrong?? I'm losing my head over this.

ThreeLittleB...

Date posted: 5y

It’s a heavy burden to carry because ocd never lets me forget it. But kids have to be forgiven, at the time what I needed was more supervision and discussion about my body. All we can do is live according to our values and forgive ourselves for being curious and lacking the ability to make better decisions.

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

Would it be considered an excuse/reassurance to say I was just a kid and curious? I feel bad saying things like that cause idk

ThreeLittleB...

Date posted: 5y

@worryqueen I think because it’s based on a real event we have to approach it a little differently, meaning with forgiveness and acceptance. You don’t say it was right, we know it wasn’t. I mean, I once peed my pants on purpose as a kid for attention. I wouldn’t do that as an adult that would be insane. It’s the same concept. Kids don’t think like adults and you can’t carry that burden forever. Forgiveness and therapy is how we move forward with our lives to find happiness.

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

@ThreeLittleBirds Thank you, I'll try to forgive myself and move on. It'll be difficult, but I'll try.

ThreeLittleB...

Date posted: 5y

I have real event ocd centered around a sexual thing I did as a child too and I wanna die everyday. I always feel like this version of ocd is worse because I have a logical reasoning to my intrusive thoughts. Everyone always says the fears have no bases in truth but in my case it feels like it all points to me being a horrible person.

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

I get what you mean. It's terrible. Like how do you convince yourself something that actually happened wasn't bad? It's real and you did, ya know? It drives me insane. All I do is try to rationalize it so it makes more sense. What I'm trying to make myself see now is that I can't put my adult emotions, thoughts, and feelings etc into the body of a 10 yr old. I try to force myself to think about the act without any interpretations of what I was thinking then because I dont know. Cant tell if it's helping or not though...

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

Maybe it can also help to remember that people make mistakes. Criminal Vs innocent is quite black and white. Maybe it's possible to make a mistake in the past and not be a ruined person. Perhaps you can have done something bad without it meaning that either you were an evil person causing deliberate, extreme harm or were totally ignorant and innocent of what you were doing. Maybe it's somewhere in that big grey area between spawn of Satan and perfect innocent.

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

I didnt think about it that way, thank you. It's hard to know where I stand, though, and I guess I'll never know so I have to accept that uncertainty.

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