Pedophile OCD is completely destroying my life or if I think it's that but if I had to say one image it would be this experience. I am 15 years old and as a teen I feel well I'm aware my hormones are all over the place. Recently I developed an obsession over reporting "MAPs" (as they call themselves on Twitter "Minor Attracted Person") because I'm a minor (15) and I want them all gone. I freaking hate them. Then after a while I was on a trip and freaked out over thinking a kid my brain might have thought he was cute because I don't knoe maybe for a split second I thought he looked older but then he stood up and I saw he was like seven and I knew I *definitely* didn't like him. I still was really conflicted over the fact that at first I did and was starting to freak out about this PRETTY HARD which ended up on me spending the whole trip worrying about if I could be a pedophile and it felt very real and I might have unconsiously liked him. This really really made me want to kill myself. I kept on freaking out about kids but always would calm down and see them normally I did stop reporting maps on Twitter because it was affecting me. I am aware I'm very sensitive so there's that too. I did went back to it after a while and saw something very disturbing. It was actually CP but I still went and reported it and scroll through it and I hated it. It was horrible. I forced myself to watch to be sure I didn't like any of that and there was one that grossed me out by and everything because it was like a really small girl and it broke my heart. But then a couple days pass and I was fantasizing about my boyfriend half asleep and the thought of being the guy in the video of that girl came up to my mind and I was half asleep so I only half realized it It was still the same speed I was imagining my boyfriend in and the image of the girl came and I half knew it (or I would had stopped the thought right there) was there and I thought about the size and the softness of the girl while in the disgusting fantasy and I felt turned on by it BUT I couldn't see her face and the "image" was very blurry so I don't know if it's PTSD from what I saw (which it has heavily affected me) or what because I think I might had related those specific characteristics as to stuff (like hentai, not lolis just they normally look smaller and they're soft I've always enjoyed tummy and like imagining my boyfriend's) I would jack off to and if I think about it that way it's still hot but when I remember the EXACT image I saw I'm just horrified again. And it's making me feel like a monster. Though if I think of the mix weird vision I think I still find it hot, it was very surreal and I'm a very horny teenager so I am losing my mind. My boyfriend has told me that at this age we just want to have sex with anything and everything and that soft and small = is something the teenage brain teen brain will want to have sex with. But I find this so abhorrent and I wouldn't even want to touch a child so I don't know what is going on. I can't think about anything else other than this. I also talked to my mom about it and she told me it's normal because I was fooled by this since it was something abhorrent yet presented to me in a sexual way related to stuff I find attractive and that I like soft and small stuff still because I'm still soft and even if I'm a 15yo my mind is still developing so???? Please, please I need to know if I'm normal. I'm about to turn 16 and I could be diagnosed with this horrible thing. I'm going to lose my mind. Please someone help me.

In fact you know what? Fuck this fuck this if I'm a pedophile I don't care anymore I'm gonna take the leap of faith and go back to my everyday life. Everyone around me thinks a good person. I myself know I wouldn't EVER hurt a child so who tf cares if I'm a pedo. I won't let whatever this is ruin my life because I'm sick of this and it's made me the worst I've felt as someone that's been through shit so yes fuck you OCD I won't let you win. I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy

Like I said I've always avoided it because my mind kinda knew how being a pedophile has always kinda been a secret fear if mine so I avoid it and even at times I've wanted to I've decided not to. Except when I was around 13 but thinking of it makes me want to puke so I think I'm fine. My mom says it's fine because I don't get turned by it if I see some kid naked but doing something nonsexual. She says it was horrible because it was something cute turned into a weird disgusting sexualized thing. And I don't know if it adds to the case because two things happened that could have certainly somehow traumatized me. First one being this weird fck who was 24 started talking to me on the internet and it got sexual p quick but I was really fcking horny so I didn't really mind until he started getting pushy over me sending him pics of myself (which I never did) but I get flashbacks from it and stuff. The other one being I invited a friend over and he was being really pushy over me and forced me to cuddle up with him and I'm not sure if he did it on purpose but sorta touch my chest and I've been really traumatized by both. So idk if that adds more insight or what but just idk maybe I saw her a bit bigger in some part or just got turned on by it being taboo.

Yeah I've seen that but OCD tells me I'm the exception so yeah it does help thank you

It's making itself more and more wobbly but okay, okay when I woke up I was like "okay what the fuck that was a sexual dream with a kid" but then thought of the movements I was doing and how distorted everything was because I feel like it's the OCD playing on me "hahaha you're gonna get turned on if you don't see her actual kid face so in this dream I'm gonna make sure you can't" and for the most part I just look like a gigantic blob and it's not fair I was already really horny from thinking about my boyfriend and it felt like I was midway through going to orgasm and I couldn't stop even when it shifted from my boyfriend to that goddamn kid then I was well aware in the dream that that was the kid and that I thought of her softness and size as arousing but at the same time I don't see that as how I saw the original video it was only a problem till that dream in fact that exact video made me say "okay yeah I definitely don't like this this is horrible and it's so wrong". Now, my mom's point of view is that it was already sexualized on the dream and as my hormones are going fucking crazy atm so it's okay since I don't find a kid getting her Diapers changed hot in the slightlest and not to mention it was a extremely traumatic thing to see. So she tells me to forget about it and that I'm fine even if I liked what I saw in the dream. I'm extremely sensitive for a kid my age and I don't party or anything and I like staying home. But again this is not the first time it happens I'm pretty fucking sure I also had harm OCD as a kid and it only went away after literally my mom screaming at me to kill her tldr I had harm OCD towards her and I was around 7-8ish but that has stopped.

You're right, thanks...

First of all: Everything you described here is pretty classic OCD symptoms. I am so sorry you’re going through this. You are perfectly “normal” for someone with OCD. And you have nothing to be ashamed of. I’m so glad you’re reaching out for help now! Second: I think you should ask your mom to see an OCD Specialist. You need an actual specialist, not just any therapist, and it’s important to be clear about that. They can give you a proper diagnosis and teach you all about this illness and how to manage it. The sooner you learn these skills, the sooner you’ll recover. And since you’re very young, you have a great chance of living a fairly normal life. There’s a ton of info about OCD out there, from websites to books. Start educating yourself! Here’s a great place to start: https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/ You’re going to be okay! You just need the right diagnosis and treatment. Joining this forum was a great first step!

So that's normal...? I feel like a monster for finding that hot and I've cried so much and even my mom tells me it's okay but god

And I don't even found it arousing when I first saw it... I don't freaking like kids getting their dippers changed if anything I find that like NORMAL cute it's just this specific thought. I'm just worried if that's what I had seen I would had gotten turned on in the start...

Never fucking mind I think I do like loli stuff yet I never do it to that because just yikes but I do find the difference between fucking children and nonsexual thoughts of that don't turn me on I'm sure of that but my mind had drifted to that fantasy and makes me really disgusted but I think that's what happened. I do see it's completely different I don't want to fuck children and I'm feeling pukey from the actual cp shit so I don't like that and I dislike that I kinda get turned on by lolis but idk idk it's still completely different right?? I think if I get answered this I'll finally calm down

My mom told me I'm still normal and that's fine... I think I can calm down. God this is genuinely ruining my like I'm sick of it. SICK! OF! IT! I'm 15 I can't be a pedophile I don't even like children's faces I just think sex sex sex sex GODDD

My head hurts and I feel like crying again

It's just the fact that I got turned on by that and at this point I feel a mixture of fear and still turn on-ness about it and when I think it was a child it just turns my stomach and my mom keeps telling me I'm normal but this is definitely not normal. I fear that people will think I'm a monster if I didn't feel like a monster for this specific thing I think I'd be fine but I can't change that I'm one.

I know I wouldn't want to do this to a kid I've been crying a lot about this. The images were so terrible and that poor girl it's going to be scarred for life and I still got turned on in my weird dream. The only thing that is kinda keeping me from actually ending it it's that I definitely didn't when I saw the actual video. I really disliked the actual video and everything felt just fine before I had that weird dream/hallucination and I just can't shake the feeling that I'm a monster. I am the same as that weird fucking creep that asked me to send him nudes I don't know what to do with myself I hardly see this as OCD. I think I'm just worried I'm a pedophile. But I don't understand how my mom has told me that if she were to think I actually liked children she'd had already gotten me help and she hasn't. She tells me I'm normal but I got turned on by that and that's a kid and I liked her softness and size. How on Earth does that make me different from a pedophile???

Then should I just forgive myself for thinking that and thinking it's hot and getting turned on... I don't think I can do that

But I did. I certainly felt turned on by it but immediately horrified. I didn't see her face but everything else was there. Obviously I didn't want to get turn on by that but maybe I related it to Loli shit idk god idk

it was blurry but I knew it was her maybe I'm just going to have to live with being a pedophile. And it might be fake memory but MAYBE I saw her a little bit bigger around the thighs and thought it was okay. Because when I think of it im (I think) just disgusted. I can't know for sure since it's so blurry and it's killing me

I've always avoided it because yikes weird but I can get turned in by it. My boyfriend has told me he has too and felt disgusted but still turned on and that it is okay but I saw an actual kid in that dream. And I'm pretty fucking sure my boyfriend isn't a pedophile so it calms me down but I still don't know.

It matters so much nothing has ever matter to me so much I just don't want to be. I want to be normal, be able to have kids. I can't think of literally anything worse for me honestly which sorta relaxes me because OCD hangs into your worst fears and this is definitely mine. But Jesus if this is part of what's it gonna be if I am I rather p much off myself to be one less pedophile in the world. And I've told my mom all of this and she says I'm still not and that I'm a really good person... Even if it was a dream I felt like I did like it but then I remember the actual thing that I saw and I know I just disliked that idk if it got to intertwined with hentai stuff in my dream but a sign that it's normal is that I couldn't see the face of the child because actual pedophiles do like how a child's face looks so

I'm female yeah and I'm watching the video, thank you

Another thing even after I've told my mom I did like some of the dream thing and she knows me better than anyone and still believes I'm not it must mean I'm not right

sorry to bother you so much

Yes but sounds so scary because even thinking about the word child gets my nerves going really bad and can easily send me into a breakdown and even more shows there's only been two times lately when I wasn't thinking about it and I didn't feel anything I didn't even notice the kid there... You're right I feel like it never will be enough for me but honestly it's just one doubt I watched the video but still felt turned on by the dream and I remember recalling the size and softness and in the dream(? I'm really not sure was aware of it and I knew it was that girl and I felt like even more turned on than the initial thinking about my boyfriend and it scares me because I think I did find it hot but since I didn't see the face nor hands but soft and small stuff it can be something I find hot because that's how hentai normally but thinking of the child by itself in a completely lucid nonsexualized way makes me feel nothing. I have no idea maybe that I still like it in my weird dream means I am. How can you possibly still feel like it was sorta hot and not be into actual kids. That's what my mom's telling me though, I feel like it's not true. I'm never gonna be sure if I might have seen some stuff like maybe I did think she had bigger thighs in the dream but also maybe she didn't and I'm turned on about it GOD THIS IS HELL

Like and I've read a pedophile wouldn't even worry as much about this stuff yet I still think of it and get turned on and it's scary idk if thinking of what I saw in the dream as hot counts, do you think it does? Like when you think about the sexual dreams you've had don't you find them hot? God idk

is this even OCD anymore like come on I don't think you do too...