As with most kids who are given internet access at a young age, I was exposed to pornography at a pretty young age (11-12 maybe). Recently, I’ve started to become more aware of the impacts it can have on you and your relationships and have been feeling really guilty afterwords. I’m currently in an amazing relationship that I’m so thankful To have, but I don’t want it to seem like I’m hiding anything from my girlfriend or anything. I want to be honest with her, maybe try and figure out how to stop this addiction. I just don’t really know an appropriate time to bring up this sort of thing. Has anyone else been in this sort of situation? Thank you for taking your time to read.

It can be hard to tell sometimes, I find myself visiting tons of websites one day and other days where I don’t visit them as much, I guess it can vary.

@Otis321 That can be normal. Porn addiction usually increases over time rather than waxing and waning like normal sex drive does. Do you find yourself unable to stop watching porn when you try to tell yourself not to? You mentioned feeling guilty afterwards because of the impact you feel it's been having on your relationship but didn't mention whether you've made a purposeful effort to stop and been unable to?

@Louw And yeah, some times I mange to stop myself.

@Otis321 That sounds promising. My guess (and please feel free to correct me) is that you're still kind of conflicted about whether you're really doing something wrong, like you feel guilt that she doesn't know and can see that it's affecting your relationship but also don't think it's 'morally wrong' and aren't sure where to start. So although you'd be willing to stop, you're not desperate to stop right now, you just want to check in with her about it. That makes it sound like either regular feelings, or a touch of OCD if you've been doing compulsions in response to the worry. Honestly, if you have a trusting and good relationship, it can't hurt to talk about it. Do you feel like it's been impacting on the relationship or is it that you've read that it CAN and that's made you feel guilty, like you might have been doing something harmful without knowing it?

@Louw Wow, That pretty much sums everything up. I don’t think it’s really affected our relationship at all, I guess it was just me worrying too much, since I did read that it could impact relationships negatively.

@Otis321 Ahh guilt is a bitch, especially when you have OCD, it sounds like a bit of inadvertent harm OCD could be at play. You love your girlfriend and don't want to do something which could harm your relationship or make her feel bad, that tells me you're a very well intentioned person. But OCD involves a tendency to feel overly responsible and to worry that our actions or inactions could harm others. This thought has just become a bit sticky for you, that's all. It can end up going into quite a deep dark hole of wondering whether you're doing something because you unconsciously want to hurt the person/sabotage the relationship, and a lot of self criticism that you're a selfish or uncaring or morally skewed person, so it's good to nip it in the bud early. I'd really recommend that rather than pushing away the guilt, or stopping watching porn (porn is your trigger), or comforting yourself when you feel it by telling yourself reassuring things including stuff I've said (like "I love my girlfriend", "porn isn't a problem", "I'm not doing anything wrong" etc), or looking for reassurance from others that you're not doing wrong, or doing online research, or distracting yourself, or checking whether it's harming your relationship, or asking your girlfriend for assurance that she isn't judging you/upset about it, worrying about whether you're addicted, or ruminating about the topic/whether you're doing something wrong or not, you instead do a little ERP. That would involve watching porn as you normally would, and when that guilt comes, just letting it be there, without doing any of those things I mentioned. You can feel guilt physically in your body and stay with it in the body until it passes back away again without trying to solve it or get rid of the feeling. It's just a feeling, feelings aren't always rational, and you're a much better judge of whether your feelings are rational AFTER you've let yourself properly feel them. Feeling it won't make it true or make anything bad happen, it's just a bit unpleasant, and then it passes back away again. Stay with it in the body and not in the head, without judging the feeling or what it means. Doing this can get your brain to stop giving you the strong guilt and feelings that there is a problem and the urges to solve it. If you feel in the future (not out of obsessing about the issue, just out of normal recognition) that it's becoming a true addiction or it becomes clear that it's causing genuine harm in your relationship, that's a bridge to cross when you come to it.

@Louw Wow, thank you so much for the advice! You have been a huge help, I will keep all this in mind.

@Otis321 To clarify, if after doing ERP about this to where you're not really feeling all that guilty or spending a lot of time ruminating, you still feel that you'd like to discuss it with her as part of a healthy relationship, that would be reasonable. Just don't do it at a time when it's motivated by overwhelming guilt and a need to feel reassured that you're not doing anything wrong. Instead, bring it up at a time when you're actually feeling very OK about it. And then if she gives you the answer that she doesn't mind you watching porn, be sure not to use that as a way to reassure yourself when you feel any future guilt about the topic. Always deal with guilt and worry by feeling it, not with reassurance or analysis.

@Otis321 Hey you're welcome! Best of luck :)

If you can identify which one it is, I'm sure people will have advice and experience to share. Just no point feeling it must be an addiction just out of guilt.

Personally my experience has been that if it hasn't come up in conversation in your relationship, they probably don't mind or just don't want to hear about it. If it was a strong no-no or the idea made them feel bad, it seems like something they'd bring up as a matter of compatibility and boundaries. The other possibility is that they love porn themselves, but chances are that it probably would've come up by now. For me, it's practically first date conversation fodder lol.

@Louw Hey thank you for sharing! :) I think you’re right. Maybe it’s not so much of a big deal as I thought it was. They never really mentioned anything about watching porn either so I think everything is ok.