To my Christian friends, Im having a really hard time forgetting what happened last night because it's making me feel really embarassed and weak. As some of you may know I been feeling very differently about my church and yesterday just topped it all off. I really don't feel like being part of that congregation no more. I feel like there is no Holy Spirit there and maybe God's really been telling me that in my dreams. I always dream my church in the dark with no light. Yesterday, I had a argument with the pianist in the worship team at my church during rehearsal because the lead singer (pastor's wife) was having throat problems so she encouraged me to sing by myself. As always I was extremely nervous but even then I was doing my thing getting compliments by her until the pianist kept making subliminal jokes about my voice literally mocking it and laughing as well as stopping the music on me multiple times to say something negative saying I was singing the words too fast, that I wasn't breathing correctly with my diaphragm, or that I was changing tones. I got so irked that he kept criticizing without actually helping not understanding the anxiety I was feeling and being unappreciative of my effort so I snapped. I told HIM to sing the song then if I was singing it so bad. Have in mind that I'm a very quiet and respectful person with ppl i don't know very well especially church so I saw the annoyance and shock in his face that I was finally speaking up but that also increased his insults. He told me he can't tell me I sing nice otherwise he'd be lying to me. He told me I'm not ready to become a worship leader because its impossible to learn about vocalization in a day or 2. He told me I need to humble myself down and stop being arrogant just because I said I believed I was doing a good job singing even though I was under so much pressure. He also told me I'm immature for taking criticism so sensitively. My anxiety took it's toll on me and I cried in front him and the pastor's wife saying it's not fair that theyre quick to criticize me or my bf (he's the drummer) whenever we make mistakes but whenever they make them nobody gets criticized just because they're the originals that have been there for a long time. I told him that the fact that I have been part of the choir for months now and what I mean by this is months of going to rehearsal even before I made into the group! Not the even the very same official group members showed up at times how they should've! In 2 ocassions I even had my feet injured and I STILL went to rehearsal as well as service the next day on stage. That's my proof that I had the strong desire to serve to God through music. But they couldn't tell me since day 1 that i "can't sing?". That's unprofessional of them to have someone who can't sing on their worship team. That proves that they like to point fingers and don't mind ppl ridiculing themselves as long as its not any of them. I'm arrogant just because I gave myself a pat on the back for my effort? It's impossible for me to enhance MY voice faster than he thinks? NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE for God. I'm grateful towards God for allowing to be in the choir and eventually become the leader in HIS timing I never said I wanted to become one right now so the dudes point was invalid. The pastor's wife was defending me telling him I was right but at the end of the day they're gonna do more for each other than they'll ever do for me. Where's the unity? Where's the support in helping you correct your mistakes. There's a very big difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism. Put the favoritism y'all have for each other ASIDE and treat everyone the same. As of now, I have regrets because I didn't go to church today. Right when I felt stronger to go and forget all about that this morning I had a fight with my bf that drained me down all over again and we both ended up absent to service. No one from church has even called me or texted me to check on me. I think this is a clear indicator that maybe it's time to change churches and start from scratch. Please pray for me. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm even more insecure now. And i feel weak...