Made a comment earlier saying that if it wasn’t for society’s view on my fear I would enjoy it/ already commited it. I also said that I had done some questionable stuff that could/would lead up to me doing my fear. Most of which if I told people, they would be like “uh, wtf? seems like you are into that.” Katie replied and said “Maybe you would, you never know”. I 100% understand that this is supposed to make me deal with the uncertainty & overcome the anxiety. But i’ve been crying over that for a couple hours now. I don’t want to be that disgusting person. And because I have real-event OCD, it seems to me I already was that disgusting person. I just never went to far into my fear. It’s excruciatingly painful to think about. At one point I thought that certain stuff was okay. I was a kid, but still, I thought it was okay. Meaning, if it wasn’t for me maturing, I would’ve done that stuff, if it wasn’t for society, I would be that horrible person. I cant live knowing this.

I wish I could. However, I am underage. I do not have compassionate parents. And i’m terrified to tell them what I am going through on a daily basis. I am afraid they won’t understand, or will want to know every single detail. Because of quarantine, I won’t be able to see a therapist anyway. So i’m stuck in my own mind.

I’ve tried. Every time, I just end up coming back to this app trying to get my mind somewhat straight. The core of my OCD is that I practically tried to do it in the past. Meaning, I have already “been” my fear. I cant forgive myself for it. And I still believe I am my fear. Because “people don’t change”... I’m not sure what to do at this point.

You know how 8 year olds play kiss-chase? For grownups, that's sexual harassment. That doesn't mean every 8 year old playing kiss chase is a future rapist if society doesn't kick in firmly enough, and they should all be grateful that it wasn't their fate and feel deeply responsible for not having been born with automatic knowledge about appropriate Vs inappropriate behaviour. Not going to reassure you that you're not and could never be or have been whatever "type of person" you're so scared of. I just think we quite literally all have the potential from childhood on to be absolute scumbags, and to make mistakes. Children are innocent, they don't know any better and they all do things we would call selfish, rude and fucked up on a daily basis, they just don't know it. And when they do know there's dispproval, they still don't know why or the impact on others or society. You need to quit obsessing about this idea. Katie was trying to expose you to uncertainty, unfortunately the response prevention part failed. When you get a free moment I want you to go online and find as many resources as you can about both mental and non mental compulsions, and write down every single one you think you do, so you know exactly what to not do during ERP. During ERP, you feel scary and overwhelming and guilt inducing things without doing anything whatsoever to debate or solve them. You let yourself feel WRETCHED and you come out the other end feeling a whole lot better. But ERP will fail if you continue to think think think, including agreeing or disagreeing with the instrusive accusations and feelings. Feelings can't hurt you if you just let them be in your body.

@Scoggy Thank you for this. Bookmarking it. I’m sorry for being so annoying and inconsiderate. I’ve just been losing my mind recently & been dealing with really bad anxiety and intrusive thoughts. So I really am sorry. I understand this now. Does 12-13 years of age contribute to this “Kid stage” and “lack of consciousness” as well? Because I feel as if at 12-13, kids brains have developed in a way to understand their surroundings & know right from wrong. Yet I still did some stuff, and thought it was okay back then. It still haunts me. I feel more educated because of your comment, and I will do as you say with the ERP. I would appreciate it if you would give me some insight on the question mentioned in this paragraph as well though. Sorry to bother, ❤️

@AlwaysHere You're not being annoying or inconsiderate? It's your right to post here and I probably wouldn't have tried to help if I was annoyed by you, it's just that the flaws in your reasoning seem so clear. Pretty sure the reasoning part of our brains isn't actually matured properly until our early 20s actually. I made plenty of mistakes into my teens and probably as late as around 21, and it was only being utterly smacked down by trauma which stopped that continuing. You did things you thought were ok. Ergo, you did your best. It sounds like it wasn't even one of those selfish decisions we all make sometimes where we know we aren't doing the right thing but either can't seem to help it or just indulge anyway. You literally didn't know. How can you possibly blame yourself for not knowing something? That's not the responsibility of a 12-13 year old, it's the responsibility of parents and other adults around you to be sure you actually know what's right and wrong instead of avoiding the topic and hoping for the best. That's why when a kid that age fucks up, society and usually also the law (other than with murder, depending on the country) puts the responsibility for it on the adults who were responsible for them. Sometimes CPS gets involved and it's the parents who have to demonstrate that they can parent in a way which prevents it from happening again. That's not just arbitrary. It's because it's their job. If you did something age 12-13 which is actually bad enough that it's causing you trauma to remember that you did it and to realise it was wrong, what you need is a whole lot of TLC. Not a bunch of criticism.

@Scoggy Ah, okay. Sorry, I just really thought I was annoying you at this point. I just seem to relate to you the most. I almost look up to you in this community. Again, thank you for this information. But actually, I did know it was wrong. I cant seem to remember exactly in what order I “indulged” in what is now my fear. There are multiple points in which I bring up which lead me to the OCD thoughts. 1 of which, I was literally 9. I didn’t know what I was doing. The other 2, I somewhat/almost completely knew I was wrong. Yet I still did it. One of them was taboo porn. Which I knew this porn wasn’t healthy or normal, yet I still found myself watching it, until one day I stopped. & I don’t even know how I stopped, I just did. The other, i’m more ashamed of. Because I practically did participate in my fear.. without actually commiting it. The thing i’m scared about is the fact I enjoyed it back then. Absolutely terrifying. There’s one more i’m guilty for, but honestly, i’m done trying to find a reason for it. It doesn’t even make sense. I just did it once, and feel immense guilt. I’ll have flashbacks to it & my mind will make it seem worse or make it in horrifying detail than what it actually was.. (even though it was weird and horrifying.) Anyway, the point is, everything i’ve done, I knew I was wrong, besides the 9 year old thing. I still did it, & I feel guilty & ashamed. I started feeling guilt for all of this actually back in early February. At first it was just guilt, then it turned into shame, then it turned into OCD, and i’ve hit rock bottom. So yeah, there’s my story. I knew society didn’t like what I was practically indulging in, but I do think the porn kind of influenced me to act a certain way/ think it was somewhat okay.. i don’t know. Thinking about it makes me want to cry. I’m just gonna go with i’m 100% sure that I knew what I was doing, I just didn’t know what it would cause me to feel later in life. This whole stupid shit i’ve done has forced me to believe I am actually into this kind of stuff, & that i’m a terrible person & deserve to be locked up, don’t deserve love, happiness, or anything good to happen to me ever. And that’s the moral of the story.

@AlwaysHere No I'm sorry I'm just autistic so sometimes I come across like that, I try to remember to say nice things especially when they're true but I'm not any better at tone of voice online as I am in person unfortunately lol. So I hope with your point 1 you can begin to apply some of that self compassion then. Combined with feeling your feelings properly in your body if you continue to get guilt spikes about it, rather than working to figure it out. Do the feeling the feelings first while telling yourself "I promise i'll figure this out in a bit, but right now I have to feel the spike in anxiety and guilt about it til it goes away on its own". Focus on the body, leaning into the physical sensations of the feelings, and when you get thoughts, go back to the body. It may feel unsafe but you're not unsafe. You're ok. It can take minutes to hours depending on how much of a backlog you got. Once the guilt and anxiety have been fully felt. You can start thinking about the topic and remember what I've said about not criticising yourself for not knowing things you doing know. You were doing your best and that makes the mistake categorically innocent. Do some reading online about self compassion, it will help. As for point 2... Well, firstly, it's morally relative whether taboo porn is healthy or normal. I watch it every day and although I'm a little screwed up, I'm not some kind of actual moral deviant, I don't treat people badly, I try my best, I try to help people etc. I think it's a bit arbitrary to say taboo porn is wrong. But I take it that you got the sense of its tabooness and deviancy at the time, and also liked it and enjoyed watching it. But it's in retrospect that you feel you did something wrong? I mean, I don't think you did anything wrong, it's pretty common, but again if there was anything wrong with that situation it's lack of adult supervision. Kids do naughty stuff and break rules and do what they're not supposed to all the time because it's fun or interesting. I have more to say but first I'm going to ask you whether the porn was illegal or if it was kinky stuff and you're upset with yourself about tying up your sibling and quite a tingly-liking it sort of thing. Because the thing about being super vague and scared to say it, is that when you avoid vulnerability you avoid connection, so you can't get any perspective at all or compassion for all your shame. You think society doesn't like what you were looking at or the things you enjoyed at the time (it's ok for your tastes to change, or maybe it was more just curiosity, it doesn't really matter), but who are you counting in your definitions of society here? Certainly not me or anyone I know. Your experience is probably super normal and you haven't been able to find that out because you feel so scared to talk about it. I personally know 2 different people personally who did incest stuff as unsupervised kids with their siblings. *I* personally made that tying up suggestion a moment ago because I used to do that as kids with my siblings and totally loved it, I used to fantasize about being tied up by a baddie as far back as I can even remember. I know someone whose dog licked their penis while they were taking a drunk piss once and they said they definitely liked it and they ended up with a very unusual curiosity, though afaik they never harmed a pet ? I have a friend who told me he looked up underage stuff to find out if he liked it because he was worried (I suspect he had POCD). I don't think anyone I've talked about is a terrible person who deserves to be locked up etc etc. Idk whether that's a core feeling of shame you have about yourself which this OCD has tapped into or whether you've gotten into this state purely from obsessing about this but I can't actually think of anyone in the world who deserves the stuff you've described there, not even people on death row. People make mistakes. Regardless of what you feel you did wrong, clearly doing your OCD has brought you to some really extreme conclusions. I might sleep soon (5am here) but I promise to get back to you. In the meantime do write me your response(s), but then I would really want you to try to give yourself a break just for the rest of the day. You don't need to know all the answers today. You don't need to know for certain whether you deserve to live or not today. You can continue to think about those things tomorrow, but I think it's safe to say that today you need a break. Whenever possible, say that to the thoughts, and just let yourself have a break. Also watch the Ted Talks by Brené Brown on YouTube (go in order, from the earlier uploaded one and then to the second one). I think you need to hear what she has to say.

@Scoggy It’s currently 10pm where I am, (a big difference! lol.) But wow. I never thought of it like that. The whole “Maybe i’m just obsessing over this, & it’s really not AS bad, I just wouldn’t know because I don’t talk about it.” < That really never crossed my mind. All of the things you said your friends & you did, resonated with me in some sort of way, it’s comforting. You are 100% with the vulnerability thing, I know this. Yet I still get anxiety when I think about telling anybody the thing(s) I have done/ thought about doing. It’s just scary. Especially since I have the deep feeling that I don’t deserve love from what i’ve done. (This has led me to lose all sex drive, and lose interest in relationships & people in general.) Which leads me to think if I ever do fall in love with someone, i MUST tell them every single wrong i’ve ever done so they know who i “truly” am. Since being vulnerable is a fear, this scares the shit out of me. I don’t even want to tell a therapist the shit i’ve done, so just imagining that ever happening in my life is terrifying. Before this OCD & guilt stuff i’ve always been a worrier. I always worried about bad stuff happening, if the future is going to be amazing, if certain things turn out bad etc. So this developing, is just horrifying. Since most people in this community look forward to a better future without their compulsive thoughts.. this makes me feel inferior because thinking about my future right now makes me upset. Moving on, the porn I watched was illegal in some places, legal in a few places. The thing that makes me feel even worse is that I actually looked up if it was legal or not (not just the porn, the actual act as well). Like,, I HAD TO LOOK IT UP? ugh. it irks me that I even cared. It makes me think that I wanted to commit it. Which i guess technically I did back then, because I “didn’t know” right from wrong. Or maybe i did & I just changed. Or maybe I haven’t changed at all. Who the fuck knows? I don’t give a shit. Yeah, I don’t need to know all the answers right now. Okay, you’re right. Thank you. I will watch her Ted Talks as I fall asleep, so I go to sleep on a good note. Also, I wanted to ask you if there was any way at all I could contact you besides this app. You just seem like such a positive person to have if not as a friend, then as a “guidance” of some sort. Not sure if you could tell, but i’m very bad at handling my own emotions and just my thoughts in general. Not demanding you to talk to me or anything, we don’t have to share personal information or anything. I just would like someone to chat to, (via anything), so maybe I can start to understand what’s actually going on, and stop being so hard on myself. And I look up to you, seriously, so yeah. Sleep well! Thank you for everything.

@AlwaysHere Hi! Not forgotten about you, just a busy day. How did it go with the videos? :) I'd be happy to keep contact, I should warn you though that I'm not always consistent about being able to get back to people, my mental health issues come with a lot of avoidance of stress, eesh.

@Scoggy Ah, Okay! Hope your day has been well though. (: The videos were awesome! They really made me feel better. Yay! That’s great. Don’t worry, i’m not very consistent either. I don’t reply to people fast or very often. Personal health comes first, I understand! :) I wanted to tell you that I haven’t had not one anxiety attack today! I’ve been telling myself to just figure stuff out later, and every time I would get feelings of guilt, I would tell myself everyone makes mistakes, and occupy myself with other things. It burns for just a little, but I eventually forget. I’m not getting my hopes up of course, I know there will be good days and bad days, but i’m still hopeful:) Just wanted to tell you! Anyways, whenever you have time to reach me, just tell me. Oh, & you can decide which way we can keep in contact, i’m flexible. Talk to you soon!!

@Scoggy Hey, it’s been a couple days. How are you? Is everything well? I’ve been off this app for a little.