At this point i’m using that app as a place to vent so this is gonna be long sorry. I feel like anytime someone makes a sound like a grunt or a moan or their tone of voice or anything of that nature my mind automatically sexualizes it even if it wasn’t in a sexual nature. And this is hard for me because those are noises people just make on a daily basis like if they’re picking something up or if they just woke up and now it’s become a thing where automatically if i hear it i’ll get a groinal response or like a twitch or something and it’s even worse for me since now i’m always home so those reactions are from hearing my mom or my sister which then makes me feel terrible cause then it’s like i’m attracted to a family member literally just making a fucking sound. For example my mom was all groggy talking on the phone because she just woke up and i heard her and then boom i was triggered. like wtf. And this time i noticed the response that i got was different to other times because usually i know the difference between a groinal response and when i’m genuinely attracted to someone like when i’m talking to a guy but this time it i felt like i responded as if it was someone i was attracted to which took away the security of it just being a groinal response. And this time i kinda just sat there with the thought rather shutting it out right away or panicking so now i feel like the reaction was genuine or that i wanted the thought and feelings to come. And sometimes i feel like things that probably shouldn’t trigger me put me on edge because i’m afraid of the possibility that it could and because i’m trying to fight off the possibility of triggering me it becomes a trigger cause my mind now associates whatever the thing was with panic or discomfort. This is hard because something that i was doing to protect myself from triggers is what causes the trigger. And i feel like it’s harder for me to move past things when it comes to my family members because if it were a friend i could deal with the possibility of being attracted to them and the uncertainty of that, but i can’t deal with the possibility of being attracted to my fucking mom or sister. And when i sit there and allow the thought to pass my mind and i have a response i feel like i just allowed myself or wanted the response to happen otherwise i would’ve fought it off as i normally would. I know i need to not question everything and be okay with the uncertainty of things but i literally feel like i can’t help but obsess over why i do things and why i reacted in a certain way.