Hello, i joined this app to like talk about hocd. I'm not officially diagnosed but I do have ocd. Ive been having hocd (or so I think). I experience intrusive thoughts of women. The thought of being gay or bisexual scares me a lot. The thought of kissing or dating them makes me cry. I would like to speak a bit more with another member since I'm not comfy sharing this :(

Also, here are two of my favorite articles you should read through: https://ocdla.com/hocd-30-things-you-need-to-know-5522 https://ocdla.com/doubt-denial-ocd-5342

Ask away. I can’t promise I have an answer for everything. Hopefully others will chime in too.

@pureolife I'll talk about hocd in more detail. Ive had this for a year, it wasn't so severe, but I was scared internally that I'm gay. I even accepted being bi though I was not comfy. It got severe in August ('19), i was starting to accept being gay though I cried day and night about it. Finally I learnt about hocd and it all made sense to me. I was doing great for about 4 months until I relapsed back this month.

@pureolife After relapsing I've noticed I'm having an identity loss. I lost my attraction and libido for guys completely, idk how to get it back. I'm so confused at this point if this is really hocd or if it's me realising I'm actually gay. I cried for 2 hours today at that thought.

@pureolife Also as time is passing by my mental anxiety has decreased a bit but now I get annoyed or irritated every time an intrusive thought comes. My heart beat rises and my stomach churns. Idk if this is attraction or my body having anxiety.

@sanzida A loss of attraction for the opposite sex is perfectly normal with HOCD. I had it too, and it came back once I recovered. Everything you describe is typical of HOCD. And the way to treat it is with ERP guided by an OCD Specialist. I’d highly suggest connecting with one for an official diagnosis and so they can walk you through how to do ERO correctly. Once you’ve done it guided with a specialist, you’ll be prepared to tackle future themes on your own. If you’re in the US this app can connect you with one. But other therapists are also available for online therapy.

@pureolife Is identity loss common too? Like that confusion of whether I'm still straight or I've turned gay? Either way I can't afford an OCD specialist nor is it available in my country and I definitely do not live in US. Regardless, I would like to know something, could I ask you?

@sanzida Yes. Everything you have described is normal. But repeatedly asking whether your symptoms are normal is actually reassurance seeking, and it’s a compulsion that will only fuel your obsession. Your brain will always find more symptoms or signs that it wants to make sure are “normal” for OCD. It’s important to stop seeking this reassurance. When your brain finds something new, answer with uncertainty and leave it at that. “Maybe that’s normal for OCD, but maybe it’s not. I don’t know and I don’t need to know.” Allow yourself to be anxious and let that anxiety leave on its own without seeking out any other comfort or reassurance to make yourself feel temporarily better. That temporary relief is exactly what will keep you in the cycle.

@pureolife Can I ask something? This might come off as dumb but why do I have to accept uncertainty about something I was certain about? I was certain about being straight though I watched lesbian porn. Why do I have to accept uncertainty on me being straight because of hocd?

@pureolife Also do I get my natural feelings and desires back after recovery or is that something that will never come back. I have this fear of never getting libido or attraction back for guys. I'm really scared about it. I try not to think of it but whenever it pops up in my head my hend starts to shake and I feel this mixed feeling of numbness and dread. My heart goes hollow at the thought of not liking guys

@sanzida I’d suggest reading this article: https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-self-directed-erp/