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Skyes

Date posted: 5y

I'm broken. I'm at the point of a panic attack, and I'm so angry I just want to smash everything in my room. I was getting better, everything started to make sense. I realized how these irrational fears made no sense and I was facing them, one by one, and winning, constantly proving to my mind she was wrong. My OCD grew branches on sexuality and spirituality. As a Christian and spiritualist, I thought that if I watched porn, I would bring some kind of low, negative energy to my computer and that would cause it to burn out some pieces. There is this whole vibrational thing going on, and also demons or evil spirits that are attracted when you do something of "low vibration". And for Christianity (at least on the majority of churches) masturbation, pre marital sex and most sexuality things are big no no's, as they fall under the category of promiscuity. With my computer being my only way of distracting myself, with games, TV shows, social media, home schooling and artworks, this became a no no for me. I got to the point of not masturbating at all for months. Any time a sexual urge would appear in my mind I would pray for God to take this temptation away from me, because I "knew" that somehow if I gave in, I would infect my computer with this low energy/vibration and cause it to malfunction/die/burn out some pieces. After a few therapy sessions and also talking to my mom about this (she is very open), both her and the therapist said one thing has nothing to do with the other. This was just another trick of my OCD to make me feel guilty and afraid. Okay, I decided to follow their advice. It made sense. I watched porn this morning, to try price to my mind she was wrong, and guess what happened in the evening? MY KEYBOARD STOPPED WORKING. Not just one keyboard, I had a reserve one and it also doesn't work! I've just spent hours trying to fix it but for nothing, and I have essays to finish for tomorrow, and it's holiday here, so I won't be able to find a technician. And then there is the weekend... But not only that... No. That would be too easy. My bedroom lamp also burned out AT THE SAME TIME, which stands just by the side of my computer. Now, what are the chances of that?! I had this lamp for several months (and also the keyboard) and never had a single problem. What the fuck is going on?! I'm laying on my bed in complete darkness wanting to punch something while I just laugh of this nonsense out of complete rage.. I'm broken. My emotions are all fucked up now. This will probably be another night with insomnia. I was facing my obsessions, putting them to test one by one to show my unconscious mind that these irrational fears were not real. I had to pray constantly and compulsively before each exam, several times, or I wouldn't perform well on it or God wouldn't bless me. I decided to stop, and put things to test. This week I did two exams and I didn't pray in any of them, not only once, and I got max grade. That was the light at the end of the tunnel. My fears were unfounded, they were beginning to crumble and I was starting to conquer them. But then this happens. What are the chances? Is it REALLY just coincidence?! I don't know, I'm just tired and I don't know where to go from here or how to proceed. Can anyone share a light?

sillybilly

Date posted: 5y

Hi, I also suffer from religious ocd. And I suffer from harm ocd as well, they both seem to just mix into each other. I’m not sure what’s going on with your keyboard and lamp, and I don’t know if it is a coincidence or not. But I pray to God that whatever it is, it will stop and you will live in peace and have a peace of mind. A few days ago I was really depressed. I really thought that I wouldn’t get back up again and that It was punishment from God or whatever.i would cry my eyes out, get a few suicidal thoughts here and there. But now, 2 or 3 days later, I’m feeling better. Still kinda scared of being alone because of it, I don’t like the thoughts that come with depression . But what I’m tryna say is, it’s not and never will be forever. That’s something that I’m trying to learn. Depression isn’t forever. Even if it may feel like it, it’s not. Jesus went through the same thing we’re going through now. He overcame them and so shall we. My intrusive thoughts are still here and loud, they have been for months now lol, but I know it won’t be forever. I don’t know if this helped, wrote a lot and deleted because I didn’t know what to say. But stay safe and healthy, let’s make it out of this together:)

Skyes

Date posted: 5y

This definitely helped a lot, thank you for your kindness and patience. I saw your other post about your religious and harm OCD. Are you on therapy? And are you on medication? Please, let me know if you want to talk, I'd love to be able to hear you and try to get you through this.

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