I’m new to this app and just wanted to share my story. As a young girl I definitely had compulsions. My mom always told me she would take me to a psychiatrist (I would cry when people sat on my bed). Anyways, as I got older I definitely grew out of a lot of things. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD but I have GAD. I know I definitely have OCD because I have done a lot of research. Recently I have really, really been struggling with HOCD. I’ve never experienced this before, and that’s why it’s making it more scary. I’m a young adult woman and have been in a very serious relationship with a male for many years. I love him so much. I am also very athletic and not very girly. I always loved the fact that I was a guys gal, but lately it has made me super insecure. A lot of people at school assume I’m bisexual because I’m super pro LGBTQ rights and idk? Idk why I give off that “vibe”. It never bothered me, I always thought it was funny, and I have no issue with being gay, but I’m definitely not?! During this quarantine my guy friends have said I have way way more guy friends than girl friends, someone asked my teammate if I was bisexual, and I have never had an orgasm from my boyfriend. It started really getting in my head and I keep being like “am I gay and that’s why I don’t orgasm”. This seems so pathetic and writing this actually helps and makes me realize there is no way I like women. But anyways THE THOUGHTS DO NOT STOP. I keep worrying that I do not know myself, and maybe I don’t love my bf, and maybe other people see something I don’t. Anyways, how can I help myself? I am noticing I’m reassuring and checking and starting compulsions

sillybilly

Date posted: 5y ago

Thoughts are not facts. I don’t think you having more guy friends than girl friends make you gay. I feel like that is just stereotype. Like the stereotype where a gay male would have more girl friends than guys. No no no. When it comes to this type of OCD, you gotta stop thinking about the stereotypes of people in the LBGT community. You have more guy friends doesn’t mean anything other than you probably get along well with guys. The orgasm part, idk. But that also doesn’t mean you have a different sexuality ??‍♀️ Idk I don’t suffer from this type of OCD, so I’m sorry if I said anything offensive. But I hope I helped:)

whatifwhatif

Date posted: 5y ago

Hey there, I also suffer with hocd and stereotypes are the worst. Thing is hocd is going to try to latch onto any thing any event whatsoever and call it proof. OCD is ego dystonic which means it was against who you are as a person, it goes against your beliefs. so it becomes a battle between OCD finding evidence to prove that you are gay and you trying to find evidence that you are cuz you know that you're not so that the OCD will shut up. Ultimately it's about learning to live without having to proove anything. OCD makes it so that we value other people's opinions and let them get in her heads we're really worried about the perception that others have of us, that's why other people's opinions about your sexuality worry so much. About orgasms, the female orgasm is very complicated and it requires the right amount of stimulation and time. Woman is different so you and your boyfriend are just going to have to work that it and you'll eventually get there, it takes a while and it's not an easy road to navigate because we are all different but there's nothing wrong with you for not being like the girls on TV because it's entirely fake. The best thing you can do is to look for a therapist do diagnose you & start erp, I'm currently giving you reassurance which is not ideal for us because it's proof. But a little bit of reassurance in the beginning is great to kick start a relationship with a therapist. Honestly I wish I would have gone sooner before I would have come up with so many obsessions and compulsions so I congratulate you and being so proactive. Sending all the best energy, you are so strong and you are worth fighting for. I wish you the best!

san🌻

Date posted: 5y ago

I has the same thoughts as you. I supported LGBT but never really cared about it a lot. I was also uncomfortable from the moment I started supporting them for some reason. I never liked gay shippings though I supported them and I was afraid I'll become gay since I watched lesbian porn. I've always internally had hocd and just realized in august. I also fear I won't get an orgasm from a guy and it's dreadful ?

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y ago

Hi, I'm a lesbian with no guy friends. Only girl friends. I'm pretty girly, too. Now, I think stereotypes suck for everyone, and I hate the ones set for the lgbt community, but I actually suggest that you go more into these unwanted thoughts. Accept that maybe you are gay. Acceptance is the key. Dont push away the thoughts, think of them, observe them, but dont ruminate.

whatifwhatif

Date posted: 5y ago

Yeah stereotypes are harmfulnf for everyone. Actually, going "into" unwanted thoughts is a thing that erp therapists strongly suggest we DON'T do, it's giving them meaning and importance as though there is more to "uncover" about why they cause discomfort and what they might mean to us. Idk if it's the same for all subsets, but for hocd it's more harm than good. It's about recognizing that the thoughts mean nothing and are not proof / disproof of anything, not about analyzing where and why they come. You are right, acceptance is key. It's about saying "yeah the thoughts are here, but they mean nothing. Maybe i'm gay maybe i'm not" but it's also not about saying "yeah i think i might be a lesbian (if you're straight)". It's about you knowing that your sexuality is what you make of it, if you want to be straight (i'm talking in the case of hocd, of course) then you are straight and no amount of proof / disproof can take that away from you. We say "yeah you know what maybe i am gay" as acceptance that the intrusive thoughts and doubts exist, but not as an ambiguity about our sexual orientation. Living in uncertainty doesn't mean not knowing what you identify as, it means knowing that "evidence" for and against it isn't going to determine anything for you and being okay with that. Thanks for the words of wisdom abt some stuff tho!!

hihey

Date posted: 5y ago

@hocdsucks This is how I feel. I would have no problem being gay, I just don’t think I am. It’s like I’m scared of not knowing. I’ve only ever liked guys and the thought of being with girls really grosses me out (not homophobically, just like I do not want to be a part of it). I’m on my twenties, I feel like I would’ve realized or been attracted to a girl by now. My family and friends are supportive too. It’s almost like my surroundings are making me think I’m somethint im not and I can’t get it out of my head, ever

san🌻

Date posted: 5y ago

@hihey Omg same. I have a loss of identity which makes me feel so much worse. I'm afraid now I'm a lesbian. I don't know why but the idea of coming out makes me feel bad and uncomfy (tho I came out to my mom initially in hocd out if anxiety). I also have this fear that I'm in denial. Ngl im so terrified. I don't feel straight anymore :(

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y ago

@hocdsucks Thanks for explaining it, I didn't know hocd was different in this way from other subsets of ocd.

Jack03

Date posted: 14w ago

Is this OCD?

Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.

Elliesmith

Date posted: 13w ago

Is this a symptom of soocd

I’m 25 and never ever thought this before my soocd relapse. I have a bf of 5 years. Never been a high libido kinda girl. Don’t get me wrong I do get turned on by my bf but not like every day you know? - That had always been in the back of my head, is this normal and ok? But my ocd has latched onto the most scariest what if EVER. My brain is now saying How do you know you won’t prefer to sleep and kiss girls if you haven’t tried it: and it’s that unknown that is scaring the shit out of me. I DONT AND NEVER HAVE wanted to sleep / kiss a girl. But now my intrusive thoughts is all I think about!!! I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want??? So why does my brain think BUT WHAT IF??? I know ocd thrives off uncertainty which is why I think this is happening? But I don’t wanna find out or work it out because all I want is to be with my bf and marry him!! Is this just the epitome of OCD?

Mt2019

Date posted: 11w ago

Question about HOCD

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

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