This is gonna be another long one sorry but i need to vent again. The past 2 days have been pretty good i’ve had some intrusive thoughts but i didn’t focus on them and i just allowed them to pass but tonight it’s not that easy. I’m fully convinced at this point that i’m literally bottom of the barrel and just a terrible weird person and now i’m thinking back to previous thoughts wondering if they were even intrusive thoughts or if some things i think it do are even correlated with ocd and it’s just who i am as a person. i just wish i wasn’t me. like a day or two ago i had an intrusive thought or at least that’s what i’m categorizing it as because i’m not sure. basically i was in the shower and i thought to myself that this would usually be a time i would have an intrusive thought and i feel like i made myself think of one. i didn’t agree with it enjoy the thought but i made myself think of it because i guess i thought that would be something that could have popped up into my brain any other time and i was kinda surprised that my mind didn’t automatically think of it if that even makes any sense. So i don’t know if it’s an intrusive thought because i thought of it on my own but the thought was also similar to intrusive thoughts i’ve had in the past, i’m really trying to make this make sense sorry. And i feel like it was hard to move past because the thoughts involved my sister and her bf snd ughh i just feel so gross and terrible for thinking that even though i didn’t have a groinal response or anything it’s just the worst when my thoughts involve other people. Another thing also is i was watching a tik tok and this girl was doing a storytime about how she was driving and found a dead body that was covered with a blanket on a bridge and watching the video i felt fine until she mentioned the position of the body saying it was laying on its side with its legs curled up and then it seemed like i had a groinal response and it was really unsettling because that was something i literally didn’t expect to trigger me in any way so now i’m thinking i’m some creep that is attracted to dead bodies and it doesn’t help my situation that i used to watch a lot of crime shows where there were killers who were into stuff like that so it could be possible that that’s who i am even though that actually gross, but what if i’m in denial about who i really am and all these thoughts and things are really just how i feel and i keep on labeling it as ocd. I kept on going back to the video to rewatch that part to see if i’d hace the same response and sometimes i did and sometimes i didn’t but who knows if that’s because i was actively trying to avoid a response it if i just didn’t feel any type of way and it was dumb to do that honestly because i know that’s it’s a checking compulsion and it didn’t even help me in the end to figure anything out. i feel like i’ve been questioning myself a lot lately because it’s hard having these thoughts and responses a lot and just brushing them off because these are real things bad people feel so i could actually just be a bad person that has yet to evolve or come to terms with who i am. i really just want to be a normal girl and live a normal life but it’s so hard when the thoughts are running through my mind telling me that this is who i really am. i really want to get a therapist and just vent and talk about every single thing going on in my head so i can get just an ounce of clarity because i can’t keep on telling myself they’re just thoughts because my mind is a part of who i am and if these thoughts are do frequent would that just mean it’s who i am.