I already know no one is gonna relate to this but i need to get it off my chest and it’s gonna be a long one.I had this bladder issue where i felt like i had to pee literally all the time like even when i was in the shower and i felt like i would literally pee myself in the time that i went from the shower to my room to change into clothes. I’m pretty sure it was just a mental thing because i psyched myself out thinking that i had to pee so i just always had the feeling that i did. My mind wouldn’t allow me to differentiate if it was water from getting out of the shower or if i had peed and i just didn’t know and i couldn’t deal with the uncertainty. the only way that made me feel secure getting out of the shower would be to put a shirt or some sort of cloth in between my legs on my private area to absorb anything just incase and overtime that just became what i now know is a compulsion that literally went on for years. luckily about 9 months ago i got to see that by literally one day getting out of the shower and realizing that my mind was just telling me i had to pee/giving me that sensation or that i would pee myself but i was actually fine. What i feel guilty about is that i would use any cloth that i could find usually my clothing but since i did this every time i showered i eventually ran out of things to use till i did laundry or something. That resulted in me using a like a pillowcase or something or shirt that i borrowed from a friend or my sister. I feel so guilty about this because although i did wash everything it just bothers me that i used something that belonged to someone else or something someone else would use. sorry i feel like i need to go into detail to get this off my chest but because i would be coming out of the shower whatever thing i used would sometimes end up completely wet and i would just throw it into my laundry bin and because i was kind of depressed at the time i didn’t end up doing my laundry for a realllly long time i just allowed it to pile up so now i’m just thinking that i allowed bacteria to just grow because the clothes were just wet sitting there. i literately could’ve just used a paper towel instead or ANYTHING ELSE other than their clothes. Of course when i gave the shirt back or if me or a family member used the item it was then clean but now i feel guilty that i did that. Like i know my sister still has the shirts that i used and it just bothers me she doesn’t know it’s backstory i guess even though they are now clean it doesn’t sit right with me that i ever did that. I feel like at the time i was just doing what i felt like i had to do because i really didn’t know what was wrong with me and i was going through it all by myself like i did t talk about anything with anyone so i just came up with these solutions and i just really didn’t know what to do. But stil literally wtf because at the time it made sense because i felt like i had no other choice but looking back now i could’ve handled the situation completely different and it’s so upsetting. I know this is such an odd situation but i’ve always kept this to myself for that specific reason but my guilt has been eating away at me because up until recently i didn’t know i had ocd so i didn’t understand what that even was or what compulsions even were so now every odd thing i’ve ever done is all hitting me at once. I hope you guys don’t think i’m crazy. I managed to throw away most of the clothes that i used because honestly it just reminds me of a time that i don’t want to remember and it made me uncomfortable to wear so imagine how those who still have the clothes i used would feel. I feel like i have so many odd situations like this that i’ve done in the past that i no longer do but it’s just eating away at me cause i’m disgusted i ever did those things. It feels like i’m lying to people about who i am even though that’s not me anymore or that people only like me now because if they knew about all the weird things i had done they would be so thrown off. I know i should’ve opened up to someone originally when things started but i didn’t think my bladder issues were normal honestly i thought i was just going crazy and was the only person going through that so i took it upon myself to figure out temporary solutions. I know at heart i’m not a bad person but things i’ve done just make it so hard to move on and even talking about this is hard because it’s something i’ve always handled myself. I feel like because i didn’t know it was ocd i believed every compulsion was genuinely the right thing to do because i didn’t have anyone to put me in check and tell me not to do it.