This place really is gonna just be a place for me to express everything wow. Looking back now i see how fucked my thinking was and i feel like a lot of that stemmed from insecurity. I remember seeing some of my friends and in my head i would pick them apart thinking that they didn’t look pretty or that there clothes weren’t cute and stuff like that and i don’t think i even realized that thinking those things about your own friends is wrong and i was bringing them down to make myself feel better. If anything i’m the ugly one because they are all so genuine to me and nice but here i am thinking these things behind their backs. Like my one friend is literally pretty but i remember one day she wasn’t dressed that cute and in my head i was like yeah she’s not even pretty i don’t know why people think that and that’s so mean and wrong. I feel like i only thought that to make myself feel better. Or the other day i was watching a tik tok where they were saying they didn’t find any of their friends ugly and in the vid they said to think about it and i thought about it and one friend popped into my mind. She’s one of my closest friends and is the full package she is pretty, has a great personality, and is smart, yet i still thought of her. And it still felt like in my head i was just thinking i’m prettier than her even though i feel ugly all the time. And i just feel so bad that i’m thinking so negatively about others when they only think and say nice things about me. I feel so fake. I genuinely love my friends but it just feels like i think subconsciously i’m better than them when in reality it’s probably the other way around. Like i want to change this thinking but it literally feels ingrained in my mind. Like i know it’s wrong but it’ll still be the first thing i think. I just want to be normal and not compare myself and bring others down. So now i’m questioning myself if i even really do think my friend is pretty, i was looking at her pictures and things and telling myself that she literally isn’t ugly but my mind is still thinking oh you’re prettier. LIKE WTF. I wish you guys could see inside my brain so i could explain this better :/ but as you can tell i’m a 0/10 friend. Is it bad for me to think i’m prettier than her? I feel like it is. And i know looks don’t even matter but i’m only asking cause that’s what it seems like this stems from. Like do i think i’m prettier than her because were the same ethnicity and i have more of the “conventional” beauty standards like a small nose and small eyes and is this just me thinking westernized features are the standard of beauty. Like we were at a party and there was this really cute guy and she ended up being with him the whole night and i feel like in the back of my mind i was surprised he chose her and not me but that’s so fucked cause i’m literally nothing special why do i think i’m better i literally hate this so much i wish i could just go brain dead. Me and this friend used to be the “ugly” ones in our friend group and i had a little glo up and started getting more recognition, and it wasn’t until this year really that she started talking to guys so maybe i feel threatened? i don’t know. basically i’m just an insecure bitch that can’t be happy for her friends and needs the spotlight or to be chosen by others to feel satisfied and good about myself, and feel the need to bring others down to justify and make myself feel better and i can’t accept others are better than me even though i don’t even like myself as a person.