It just feels like I like it I want help and to get better so bad I can't fuck I just want to be normal and not worry all the time

Thank you so much for this. I'm trying so hard I really am but I need to try harder.

@Lina Also I'm talking about feelings of liking it in my head if that makes sense. Not just feelings and sensations on the outside. Is that normal? This is what keeps me stuck as I never hear people talk about this. It makes me think my thoughts are truths.

@Lina Same thing has happened to me for multiple themes. You need to start expecting it! Regardless of if it’s just another normal day or a special event or whatever, set yourself up to acknowledge that you will probably have this feeling. And it means nothing. I get it. I do. It’s a sucky feeling. But it doesn’t prove or disprove anything. The best thing to do is lean into uncertainty: maybe it’s confirmation and real. Or maybe it’s not. You don’t know and you don’t need to figure out how much of it is “real” vs how much of us it OCD. Just let the unknown give you anxiety and pass on its own. You’re more capable of handling uncertainty than you think.

@pureolife The thing is the stuff I did in my past won't let me rest I try to let it be but it comes back up over and over again. I'm afraid the feelings of liking it are the truth because of the things I did in the past even though I don't want to be with women. I felt these intrusive feelings of liking it (if that is what it is), since my hocd began. I don't know if that means mine is true or not and I'm tired of it all. It makes me want to force myself to fantasize about women or even try a dating app to see if I would like it if a women hit on me or something. I hate this so much.

@Lina Intrusive thoughts about your past will continue as long as you keep responding to them with mental compulsions (trying to figure them out, ruminating about them, replaying them to understand exactly what you felt and then analyzing that, etc.) when a memory of the past pops up and makes you anxious: be anxious. And do nothing else. Answer with uncertainty: maybe that means I’m gay, but maybe not. I don’t/can’t know and I don’t need to know. If you have a particular memory that keeps bothering you: write it out in a script! Write it in first person and present tense, as if it’s happening now, and then continue the story to mean all of the worst things you could imagine: it 100% means you are gay and you’ll have to come out and be gay forever. Then read that script 20 times a day for a week or two. Each time you do: DO NOT do compulsions during or after. Just let it make you anxious and let that anxiety leave on its own. Don’t try to analyze your emotions and reactions, don’t try to figure out what anything means, don’t do anything but let it be. Also, gay dating apps and forced fantasies are just a testing compulsion in your case. You clearly don’t want to do them, you just feel like you NEED to know how you’d react. That’s just OCD trying to get you to perform compulsions. Resist.